Friend lost her baby...

[BootyMum]

Hello everyone,

I was wondering if anyone can give me some advice. A good friend of mine became pregnant recently and then discovered that it was an ectopic pregnancy. She had to have her fallopian tube removed. This is obviously a very distressing situation but I think what makes it worse is that she has struggled with fertility issues and is now very worried about being able to get pregnant again.

My friend has recently moved to Australia now. My dilemma is that I am now pregnant and having now had my 12 week scan where thankfully all was well I am in the process of telling people. I was wondering how I might let my friend know about my pregnancy in the most sensitive way. I was considering sending an email but felt that might be a bit too impersonal and perhaps a bit cowardly of me... But am concerned that if I ring her and tell her I might really put her on the spot and she would feel dreadful but obliged to tell me how happy she is for me [which I'm sure she will be but I imagine she will also feel sad remembering the unhappy outcome of her recent pregnancy]...

Any advice would be much appreciated on how I might be most supportive to my friend in conveying my news. Thank-you.

If she's half way around the world I think you are excused from phoning her.

A sensitive email is fine imo.

oh and congratulations on your pregnancy

Congratulations!

Yes I think an email is fine - that way she can prepare herself to speak to you and not be put on the spot having to be happy.

Maybe in the email you could ask her when the best time would be to call to speak in person so that she knows you aren't chickening out and you do still want to stay close.

Send her an email, say you know these things are always going to be hard for her and you wanted to let her know before you started telling the world so she had time to deal with her feelings. Tell her you'll understand if she needs some time and space away from you to come to terms with it in her own way and that you're really sorry for what she's going through - that kind of thing.

Be prepared she might well shut you out for a while to deal with it - when I was going through fertility problems and miscarriages each pregnancy announcement would mean I had to grieve for my own situation again.

One thing I would say (may be shot down in flames for this one) - if you're both on Facebook - putting scan pictures on there can be very painful for her to see, each time someone comments on one it bounces the picture up onto her news feed and hurts again... I used to have to adblock scan photos but it could really kill me logging on to find someone else had posted an entire album of theirs. Up to you how you broach that one - but it's something to be aware of and in the past I have defriended people or hidden them just to avoid scan pictures when I was at my lowest. If mine works out - I plan on putting them on photobucket and linking to it on facebook so people who want to see can do - but it's not in the face of those who find it upsetting if you get what I mean.

Thank-you for the very helpful advice so far.
emptyshell I don't plan to put scan photos of baby on facebook, mainly because I don't expect that anyone other than close family will find them that interesting... but can see that it would be very upsetting to be confronted with these if dealing with fertility difficulties. Thanks for sharing your experience with me, it was very kind of you to do so.

By the way emptyshell did I read your post right, "if mine works out" are you pregnant or trying to get pregnant? I truly hope it works out for you! Hugs X

Sorry Emptyshell, but I think one has to be really careful about writing that you know it will be really difficult for her etc. etc.

When I lost my baby I had friends who were pregnant and one kept telling me that I must be finding it difficult etc. etc. and of course I was but I didn't want to be reminded all the time that my situation had now changed. I didn't want to hear that I might need time and space away (that can just be implicit) as that felt like isolation.

I actually wanted to be included in their experiences but my grief etc. I wanted to keep separate and not have attached to their good news if you see what I mean.

I think an email is a good idea but I think you just have to be careful what you write.

Good point about not presuming to know how she is feeling. A simple email just saying how pregnant you are, due date is fine.

Bootymum congratulations! It's a very individual thing, but I had an ectopic in February and around the same time, a friend of mine was having her 12 week scan etc. and telling everyone, as you would expect! She asked mutual friends not to tell me, thinking this was more sensitive. I found out a few months later (well guessed, she is very slim and was showing!) and was angry/upset that a) she didn't tell me, and b) had asked everyone to 'protect me'. I understand that she was trying to do the right thing, but it just made me feel as if people were pitying me behind my back. Irrational of me, perhaps.

I have been lucky and got pregnant again very quickly. The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust forums have been an amazing support, I hope your friend has found them...

Yes Bootymum I'm pregnant (only 5+4 weeks atm so long long way to go to feel secure about it all) - had to let a friend who'd been trying as long as I had know recently (we've both got pregnant once and miscarried) so in my case, I DID probably know how she was feeling. Turns out she was probably a stronger person than I was and was delighted for me - as opposed to me who just used to retreat into my own little shell every single time someone announced it.

I'd still go for the letting her know before you break the news to everyone so there's no chance of her hearing it second hand.

She might want to be the doting honorary auntie and be in on it all - she might want to just retreat and be on her own and lick her own wounds for a while - you don't know. I know I had zero interest in other people's babies while going through infertility, whereas my friend I mentioned above is utterly amazing in how involved she's able to be with them - people react differently.

Bootymum - you sound like a really good friend, I'm sure however you do it, you will do it well as you are already being so considerate about her feelings.

I like the idea of an email, also saying when is a good time to call - I was on the other side earlier this year, my friend emailed to say she was pregnant and would I like to meet up, but she left it open so that I was able to say I was pleased for her but didn't feel ready to see her yet. Then we met up a few weeks later and it was fine. I guess what I'm saying is, you can let her guide you in whether she wants to talk and so forth.

Congrats on your pregnancy

Congratulations on your pregnancy. You sound like a lovely friend.

My baby passed away shortly after her birth and I miscarried 5 months later. 4 months after that, we had to attend the coroner's court. Around that time, my best friend called me to ask about brown spotting she was having as she was 8 weeks pregnant (first time I heard about it). I was pretty upset that the only reason she told me at that point was because she thought she was miscarrying. Also, we never hid anything from each other and so for her not to have told me about her pregnancy made me feel really awful. I would have handled her telling me in a more sensitive way earlier. I wouldn't have been jealous or envious but v happy for her. I do understand that life goes on for everyone else. Anyway, after her phonecall, I retreated from her and emailed to tell her that I needed space. So, I would email your friend and let her get back to you in her own time and space.

I am 9 weeks now and don't feel like sharing my pregnancy news with my friend.

sh thank-you for sharing your experience with me. I am so sorry to hear of your earlier losses. It must have been a very difficult time
But congratulations on your recent pregnancy and I truly hope that it goes well and that you are able to enjoy it. Will be thinking of you. Sending lots of hugs X

Thank-you to everyone for your advice and for sharing your experiences with me. I really appreciate it. I am now about to email my friend and will keep all you have said in mind as I think about what I should write to her.

I can only say how I felt, but I second lucy101 ... you have to find a middle ground between expressing yourself with sensitivity and allowing your friend the option of acting as normal (because that might be what helps at the moment). Tough one.

Sorry long waffly post......

I hope you managed to word the email well. I think you've had lots of good advise on this thread.

Personally, I've had 2 MC's this year and if a friend were to tell me she was preg I would defo rather get an email than a phone call. It would give me the opportunity to have a cry or a rant and then type a nice reply. I also agree that people don't want to be treated like outcasts and either not told or told in a different way to everyone else.

A friend of mine, who has had major fertility problems, was very pissed off cos an old friend of hers kept leaving messages that she really needed to speak to her and then eventually they spoke and she told my friend she was about 33 weeks pregnant. She actually said, "I just emailed everyone else but i wanted to tell you on the phone cos you're in a unique situation!" My friend would far rather have just got the standard email and dealt with it and it upset her a lot to be singled out.

I am happy to hear about friends or work colleagues being pregnant BUT I was recently very pissed off by a work colleague who, despite knowing my history and knowing I was approaching my due date for the baby we lost in February, insisted on talking about her bump every time she saw me.

I wish you well with your pregnancy. As others have said - Life Goes On. And those of use who are sad about MC's could well be the ones having to tell people that we're pregnant very very soon. [fingers crossed face]

(waves to empty)

Thanks to everyone for your advice and for sharing your very personal stories with me.
I really appreciate your kindness in replying to me.

I have emailed my friend with the news of my pregnancy. The basic gist of this email follows [in brackets is me explaining my intent, these words not in email!].

I wrote that I wanted to let her know that I was pregnant. That it was now just past my 12 week scan and therefore I was only now telling people [so she was finding out at the same time as other friends]. I said I wished I could have told her in person. I also said that I was thinking of her as I knew that things have been difficult over the past few months following her ectopic pregnancy [I hope this doesn't make her feel worse but I just wanted to let her know that I had her in my thoughts and I guess my sub-text was that I didn't want her to feel that I was so immersed in my good news that I had forgotten what she had been through and that we had talked about this together]. I finished by saying I would like to give her a call at a time that was convenient to her, but that I know it can be difficult with time difference and little ones routines but I hoped that we could speak soon [I was trying to let her know that I don't expect her to make contact immediately and that I understand if it may be difficult... for whatever reason]...

I hope that what I wrote was sensitive and conveyed caring... I find it quite difficult to put an important and personal message like this in an email as it is hard to get the tone right and to get a sense of how my words may be received [lacks the immediacy of a spoken conversation]. But I totally understand so many of your comments that to phone my friend may put her on the spot and not allow her the chance to cry or get angry without the opportunity to compose herself and to make contact in her own time.

So I hope to hear from her sometime soon and that we might be able to talk then on the phone.

Thanks to everyone again for your replies and advice.

I think that is a lovely and sensitive email and exactly the sort of thing I would have wanted to receive.

That sounds sensitive without being patronising. Perfect. I hope that all goes well for you and your friend.

Perfect.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and of course good luck to your friend too .