Cousin given birth today at 28wks to 1lb 6oz baby. When should my sister and I (both pg) visit?

[saoirse86]

My cousin had her little boy today, she's about 28 weeks and he weighs just 1lb 6oz. They were told he'd probably only survive for an hour but he's fighting all expectations so far, although it has only been 9 hours. When's best to actually get a card and pressies? I'm sure she'd appreciate it but everyone feels so nervous about the whole situation as we don't know what's going to happen.
Also, I'm 33+6 and my sister's 34+5 both with very big babies it seems. When should we consider going to visit? We're worried about upsetting her when things are so difficult for her, but don't want her to think we're staying away.

sorry to hear about your cousin. don't have any experience with this, but didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

perhaps ask her mum/partner about her wishes? they would probably be best positioned to know.

all the best xx

hi there, i've no experience with this but my instinct would say that a card and presents would be unsuitable. her baby's life is hanging in the balance - she won't be feeling in the slightest celebratory. I'd leave it for a while to see how things develop. could you take guidance from her partner/husband about if/when they want visitors?

Again, no experience of this, but perhaps you could send a card with some kind words so she knows you're thinking of her.

I can't imagine she'd want a visit from two pregnant cousins, but I guess it depends how close you are and as you said, you don't want her to think you're avoiding her.

Save the pressies and big celebrations for when he's home safe and sound.

Hope it all works out OK for her and her little boy.

I'm typing this next to my nearly 1 year old ds who was born at 27 weeks weighing 1lb 4oz. I disagree about cards- my son's life was in the balance for the first couple of weeks but I was very grateful for cards and gifts- it made him feel real and I knew that people were thinking of him. I know not everyone feels this way but I felt really strongly that I had had a baby who should be acknowledged even if the worst should happen. We weren't allowed many visitors at the unit though and I spent all my time there so you may not be able to go to visit. Maybe phone or text to say you're thinking of her and free to visit whenever she's ready. I would also suggest she looks at the Bliss message board if she hasn't already- she will get lots of support there. Thinking of your whole family. These tiny babies are amazing fighters and there is hope xx

Ds1 was 6 wks premature, but very poorly for 3/4 wks. We weren't sre whether he would pull through until week 2/3. The cards and gifts were lovely to receive, I also received some lovely letters of support. In our SCBU only grandparents and siblings of the parents were allowed to visit. No one was allowed to hold baby apart from the mum and dad. I would send a card and gift, something nice for mum too. And then keep in contact with her mum as to when/if visiting will happen whilst LO's in hospital. We had lots of people visiting once ds1 was home, but I wasn't interested in seeing anyone beforehand as I just wanted all of my attention on the baby.

I would buy something for your cousin eg chocolates/magazine, and save the presents, although maybe useful stuff that she might not get a chance to buy eg premmie babygros might be useful.

re: visiting, speak to her mum to see what she thinks.

I think, like an earlier poster said who had a very prem baby, I think it is very, very important that the life of the baby is acknowledged, this is a gesture of hope that would be very much appreciated.

I lost a baby very late in pregnancy and although it isn't the same thing, while my baby was struggling (and after it died) I really appreciated the cards I got, which were kind and wise. One thing I noticed that was lots of old people, some who I didn't know very well, knew exactly what to say and do, having suffered losses, struggles in their lives, and some younger people got it very wrong. I still have some of these cards and some presents I was giving (some were buried with her) in a special box and they are very important to me

People who were too intrusive i.e. phoning me up or, much worse, wanting to visit I found very upsetting (and in some cases made me angry - why couldn't they just have written?). I was having to hold onto myself and deal with what was happening in front of me and some people (not closest friends and family) wanting actual contact, to ask how things were etc. was just too too much.

If I was in her position, right now, I think I would like a very kind card, that offers support and some kind, kind (and positive words) and perhaps a tiny teddy or something like that for the baby (which is the hope thing).

I think visiting would be too much, although of course you can write in your card that you would love to visit when the time was right.

I would get a card. And write something supportive and positive in it. Even though the situation is horrible her son has still been born.

Although I wouldnt turn up with babygros and toys for the baby I would probably get some sort of keep sake. A blanket, cuddly toy...something sentimental that doesnt suggest you are ignoring the seriousness of the situation.

My best friends son was born at 29+1 weighing under 2lbs. She was also told he probably would not survive, he turns 6 at the end of the month & is about to start year 2 at primary school with no obvious problems!!

I would send her a card and acknowledge that he has been born, he is alive, no matter how sick he's her baby boy. I'd probably not visit, unless invited by the immediate family

My friend has a tiny teddy that someone gave to her/her son, it had been removed from a keyring I think, it sat next to his incubator until he came home. It's one of the only things that I she kept, his first teddy, just a lot smaller than my sons first!!

I would definately buy a card and send it in the post. Presents can wait but a card says you are thinking of her and her family.

I'm not sure about visiting she will be at the hospital most of the time and probably have things to do when she isn't. I am not extremely close to any of my cousins so wouldn't visit anyway but if it was a friend who I would normally have visited I would tend to email or text that if they needed me I'd be there and to let me know when they felt upto visitors and then it gives the chance to ignore if they can't face replying or to say as and when they'd like to see you. Or as lucy101 said just write it in your card that you would like to visit when she was ready.

send a card to say thinking of her and the little one

agree dont do presents/flowers

heres hoping the little baby survives x

Thank you all for all your help. We decided to pop a card round to her mums as she and her partner haven't gone home yet. We've decided to buy some nice things for her and possibly a little teddy as suggested. Thanks again everyone. x

I would send a restrained (IYSWIM) congratulations card, with a separate letter enclosed explaining how you are thinking of her. Do find out his name and use it.

I wouldn't go to see her (unless you can ascertain that visiting is both possible and wanted, which I think is unlikely) or send a present/flowers as she's probably in no state to appreciate/cope yet.

If it goes well, you can do usual baby things when he comes home or moves to an ordinary ward.

If it doesn't, then you can still send flowers or a present (for her, or something like a photo frame).

I would agree with sending a card & possibly a text.
DS1 is an ex 27 weeker, and I remember in the early days that we were very limited on the amount of visitors that he was allowed to have.
This does make it very awquard when families want to visit (with very good intentions), but all you want to do is to spend time with your child.

I would leave them a few days before asking about visiting, but let them know that you are thinking of them & ask if they need anything.

I hope that your cousin's baby is doing well & that the Bliss website is very good for info for people affected by premamture birth.

I wouldn't visit as such at all for now. My twins were very premature and I didn't feel up to seeing anyone really. Travelling to and being at the hospital is both physically and emotionally draining, especially if you are expressing.

What I found helpful was people dropping dinners/food round to us. We would have lived off takeaways otherwise. Friends dropped ready prepared food off that could just go in the oven when we wanted it, or stuff like shepherds pie. I think they felt like they were doing something and although it doesn't seem much, we really appreciated it and it made us feel like people cared. I'm not sure about being confronted by apregnant woman, so maybe get your husband to drop it round and say something like neither of you were sure how your cousin would feel about seeing a pregnant woman.

I know I did feel resentful of some pregnant women (we lost one of our girls at birth and then one at 9 days, which made it worse) I think it depended on how they dealt with it. I felt greatful when they acknowledged that they might make me feel bad/awkward and them doing that seemed to make me not feel like that, but equally I wouldn't have wanted them to ignore me.

I know I have rambled, but hopefully that helps. Oh, and do send a card, I think people still want to celebrate their baby's birth even if the outlook is bleak.

Hi there, Think most people have answered your questions but just wanted to add my sister in law gave birth at 26 weeks weighing 1lb 12oz, 4months ago (having lost a twin in due to twin to twin transfusion) Neither me nor her brother visited the hospital AT ALL. Im also pregnant and we would have been due within a month of each other.
I found the whole thing very very difficult as just didn't want to make her feel worse with my big belly but to be honest she just shut down and got on with what she needed to do.

I was very adamant that we acknowledged the little one though, she had given birth to a son and most of her family and friends didn't want to buy a card or anything "just in case" and this upset her more. So we bought a card and a small teddy and she appreciated this as the other mums in SCBU had things for their little ones. A life is a life no matter how early and it should be acknowledged. Her mum bought her a blanket which she slept with and then put in the incubator with him, so thats always a nice present.

My nephew spent 3 months in special care and we didn't see him until he came home, we didn't push it or ask just waited to see what my sil wanted to do. Its a tricky time but trust your instinct.
Hes home now, on oxygen but doing so so well. There is always hope!
HTH