Worried about having children

[jellytot24]

I'm really confused at the moment. OH and I have been together for 4 years, bought a house etc, have 2 lovely cats who are my babies! :)
I'm just in a bit of emotional turmoil at the moment. I'm not ready for children but I feel like I'm missing out because of it. At the last count 8 friends are pregnant, including my best friend who has never ever wanted children. I do want children one day, just not at the moment, but I really really feel so left behind and like I'm missing out. I feel quite sad about it but I know that to have a child now just wouldn't be right for us.
Did anyone else experience these feelings?

I really wanted a baby from the time a good friend of mine (the first of my friends to start) had her baby, about 3 years before we started TTC. It wasn't the right time for us, I was planning a 6 months stint overseas (apart from DH) for my PhD research, and various other practical reasons. But the broody feelings were very strong! We decided to revisit it after I got back from my overseas fieldwork, and the time went quite quickly until then. I was lucky though, I still had lots of friends who weren't pregnant or having children, perhaps that made it easier.

You have to do what is right for you. But it sounds like you feel a bit conflicted. What makes you so sure now is not the right time for you? Would it help to decide between the two of you that you'll reconsider the issue in say, a year's time?

It's not right for a number of reasons.
I want to be married before we have children and we're not even engaged yet. Sure it will happen soon but OH is a little shy on the emotional side of life!

I've also just been promoted at school and I love my job so so much. I don't want to have to go on maternity leave and miss so much as it's all changing.

Another reason is, and I know it will make me sound like I'm unreasonable and I freely admit that I am (to a certain extent) a selfish individual, I don't want to give up my independence. I work out 5 or 6 times a week and hate the idea of not being able to take myself off to the gym or for a run because I'm pregnant/have a baby with me.

I just know I'm not ready yet. But I want to be ready! I don't even know if this makes sense now, I'm very confused. I just feel so sad that all my close friends are pregnant/mums already, yet I know that I don't want that at this stage in my life. So why do I feel so sad?!!!

How old are you?

you can still go to the gym and do certain things and run when your pregnant, i felt like this was soo confused as i have 1 child and wanted another but the was so many reasons in my head saying you cant have another but i still wanted one, and then after forgetting 2 pills and gettin rather drunk one night and been sick ive now found out im pregnant, and tbh at 1st i was upset cause i wanted to get married before having another and didnt want to get fat and saggy, but now ive come to terms with it, and now looking forward to the scans and appointments and geting a little belly. its an amazing thing, the most amazing thing in the world and once you do have children only then will you see and feel how amazing it is

I'm 29 Little Silver, why?

Beckie90, I know I can all of those things, the rational side of me can't see an issue! It's just the independent, selfish side of me that is throwing up problems and holding me back :(

Just wish I could stop feeling so sad about it all, it's really getting to me. Thinking about other people having babies a lot and when it'll be me, when I'm quite happy to plan holidays etc for the next couple of years knowing that it's just for the two of us. So why the hell do I feel so sad?!!!!!

jellytot - I am surprised that you have to ask why someone would ask how old you are! Obviously you haven't done much baby/conception/pregnancy research!
I don't want to quote statistics as no doubt they vary depending on where you get your information, but it has been very clearly established that waiting to have children until you are in your mid or late thirties risks infertility, miscarriage, birth defects and a wide range of other nasties. Obviously lots of mothers have babies into their late thirties and forties with no problems, but the risk of problems such as downes syndrome shoots up with maternal age, and the chance of conceiving drops a lot.
I am also 29 and currently expecting my first. My DH and I knew that we would not want to have an only child, and I didn't want to be having children after the age of, say 35, and we didn't know how long it would take to conceive, so we thought we ought to make a start! You shouldn't assume you will be able to have children as soon as you decide you want them - many, many people who have no fertility problems take at least 6 months to conceive a baby.
If you think that you definitely want to have children in the future, then you have to bear your age in mind. I also have a job I love, and am reluctant to leave, but anytime I ask a friend with kids when the best time is to have children I get the same reply - there is no best time! If you wait for it to be convenient you won't do it. I am not trying to scaremonger you, but these are the facts!

jellytot I was the same as you. DH made it clear he wanted to start ttc for 2 years before I felt ready to try. I too avoided it because we wern't yet married so it didn't seem 'right' (I'm old fashioned!), we live in a tiny house and I wasn't sure what to do with my career. I work in a school too and the school I'm at doesn't have great career progression so to go up the ladder I need to find another job and move schools, but knew that if I fell pregnant early on in my new school I'd find it too stressful with so much new stuff to take on and do a good job and go through pregnancy (I kept telling DH I did want kids.....and soon...I just wasn't sure when!). I also went to the gym all the time and loved 'me' time and was worried how on earth I'll get to the gym when I have a baby in tow.

Basically, I got pg last year on our first month ttc. I wasn't sure I was ready so said to DH 'we'll give it one month of trying. If it doesn't work I want to leave it until next summer' which was really on the basis of going through a month of the first trimester (when I knew I'd feel rough) in the christmas holidays or the summer holidays. We didn't expect things to happen the first month but they did and I fell pregnant. I was scared stiff but pleased. Sadly, at 7 weeks I miscarried and it was only then, after losing the baby that I had loved (all be it only for a few weeks) and a future that I had then planned out having been pregnant, I realised how actually i WAS ready and i DID really want a baby more than anything. It just took the loss of one to realise.

We got engaged the same night I found out I was having a miscarriage and got married less than 3 months later. 3 months after the wedding and I got pregnant again and I feel so happy. OK, so I'm stuck at the same school where I know my career won't go to the top (and have avoided going for jobs I know wuld be good for my career on the specific basis that it's in the best interests of a future family), but I have a job I enjoy which I can continue once I have a baby, I know I won't get to the gym as much as before but I'll use the gym creche facilities and my mum (hoepfully) so I can still get there a few times a week, and we have inherited a house big enough for a little family and are moving later this year. It's all falling into place. I still have moments where I think 'crikey what am I doing, am I really ready?' but I think everyone gets that every now and again.

Not trying to talk you into doing something you're not ready for, but I thought I wasn' ready.....then found out I really really did want to sart a family.

I agree that there is never the "right time" to have a baby, and the same as EmmaKate, I didn't really want to be having a baby over 35 but wanted 2, so at 30 decided to ttc. I wasn't broody for a baby and didn't have many friends with babies, but knew we wanted a family, so went for it. I am now 35 and pg with No. 2 so there will be almost 4 years between the DS' as we renovated a house in between, I had some health issues and also had a mc. But starting at 30 meant I still conceived No 2 at 34, which felt better in my mind. But it's never the right time to have another either - you face some of the same issues again!

Having said that, you have plenty of time to think about it. Just bear in mind that it can take people a couple of years to conceive without there being anything wrong as such. Also by the time you have one many of your friends will be on their second so you can go through it all with them then!

yes thers always gonna be 1 reason or other or maybe lots a reasons why now shouldnt be a good time to have children, its never gonna be a perfect time, but im expecting my 2nd child and ive only just turned 20, some people may judge me, but im with the same partner have been for years, hes the only person i have ever been with, we have a nice house and he has a good paid job, so im not doing anything wrong, im just abit young, but hey things happen. i really havent done anything like what my friends do i rarely go out at night, as i was 17 when i 1st fell preg but so what im not botherd i have plenty of time for that, i just think i have something far more amazing than been like most of my friends who are out sleeping with everybody lol but thats there lifes, there happy with it and im happy with mine.
just have a good talk bout it with your partner, as there are always gonna be some kind of doubts no matter when you do it

Jellytot I don't think there's any problem with not being ready to start a family at 29.

I never wanted kids, but had an episode of 'baby fever' at around 31 when I thought it was what I 'should' be doing and was ttc for a while. Thankfully, I didn't conceive then as it was the wrong time, and, as it turned out, the wrong person.

Since then I built up my own business, lost nearly 3 stone, had the time of my life socially and bought and renovated my house.

Then this April, aged 36, I conceived after a drunken one off with a friend, and decided to go ahead with the pregnancy.

I felt I had done everything I wanted to in other areas of my life at that point, and there would be no more "fear of missing out". And so far, there hasn't been. (Btw, it was the ONLY time I had sex the whole year, AND I took the morning after pill, so don't let the fertility scare stories freak you out too much).

Just watching if that's ok, I don't have children and don't really feel like I want them yet (am 26) but interested to listen in.

Ibiza - In fiction there's something called the "law of inverse fertility" - teenagers who have sex once and don't want children will get pregnant immediately - married adults who want babies will always have a hard time of it. Sounds like you eneded up in the teenage bracket :)

I didn't want children at all when I was in my 20's, I don't think there's ever a 'right time' to have them and like you I have 2 cats that are my babies!!! I got to the age of 33 and decided that I should think about settling down and trying, it was very scary!!

It took just over 2 years for me to conceive (I'm 8 weeks now. I have a VERY active life, I have a very stressful job and have spent over 5 years at University to harness the job. I considered myself selfish but very happy.

In short, until there's 'someone else' to consider, it's okay to be selfish. Making the decision to have a family is one that only you and your partner can make and it should be because you're happy to do it, not because you feel you should.

Trillian - Well I have been a perpetual teenager until very recently!

Not trying to make light of anyone else's TTC journey, by the way, just piping up from the other side...

It wasn't an emotional decision for me to have a baby. Like you, I was 29, had a fabulous body and a beautiful shoe collection. I was also at that point in my teaching career where I was CV building like mad.

But.

DH is a fair bit older, we both knew we wanted kids 'one day' and I thought I should start trying before I hit 30 in case there were problems. I was also worried about being broody and being unable to conceive, so I thought I'd get started. Plus I knew that I could quite easily waste 5 years wondering when teh 'right time' would be and ultimately decided that there would never be a right time - always somethign else to focus on in work, just one more summer holiday.

Worked first time (bloody good job I took my pills for all those years!) and I did panic and think, shit,what are we doing? I did mourn the passing of my waist, but then loved, loved, loved my bump and now Ds is here, I'm probably happier than I've ever been.

I was also a little worried about being the first amongst my firneds to get pregnant, but I made mum mates. In addition, one of them is now pregnant and I've seen the other side of the coin - the 30 yr old friends who are beginning to panic that they don't even have a boyf, so have a big hill to climb.

Ibiza, your story sounds a little like mine, im 35, got pregnant in April after being with boyfriend for a week, and it was a huge shock, had also lost 3 stone last year and was jogging along happily in my life. Im now also going it alone, i never really wanted kids, but now im pregnant i cant wait to meet my little man in January.

I dont think there is a right time to have a baby and at 29 i think OP can afford to wait a little longer, even if its just a year, youre only in your 20s, im gonna be pushing 40 when mine starts school, and that kinda freaks me out a bit

Wow, thanks so much for all the feedback and comments. You've all given me lots of think about.
We've just got back from a week away, during which a close friend gave birth to her first child (not on the holiday!), and I suddenly found myself feeling very broody for the first time in my life!
Personally, 29 is not the right age. We won't be married this side of my 30th so we won't be ttc until I'm in my 30s. Unfortunately that's just how it's going to be and if we concieve, great, if we don't then we'll just have to consider other options. I am aware of the difficulties that women in their 30s experience when ttc but if it happens it happens. For now I'm looking forward to a new term at school, getting more decorating done in our new house and going on a very exotic holiday next summer (while we still only have to pay for 2 of us!).

hi jellytot,
just wanted to add, it seems to me from what you say that you're not quire ready to have a family yet but that you're getting to the stage of being ready soonish!
it's a gradual process, maybe next year you'll feel totally ready, who knows.
also don't worry TOO much about your age, ttc in your early 30s is not that different from being in your late 20s. It's after age 35 that the statistics start to go down. so you have plenty of time.
good luck whatever you decide.

Jellytot, don't feel pressured to have kids. What it does sound like you do want is to be married and maybe concentrate on that first? Marriage itself comes with it's own challenges even when you've lived together. We got married at 30 & 31 and it wasn't till I was 33 that we started to think hmmm maybe we'd like a family. I don't want a baby or just 'children' but our family to be extended, if that makes sense?

I'm now 34 and expecting our first child and we are both over the moon about it. I think 4 years ago it would have been a different story and we weren't as happily together then and would possibly even have broken up after LO arrived.

I think you should do what's right in your situation. Of course you have to think about your age but you may not even be able to conceive now and if that was the case you'd have to be prepared to cut your losses and think it wasn't meant to be, if you know what I mean?
Good luck with whatever you decide to do x

mumnerves and superpenguin, thank you so much. It's hard to talk about this with friends - I think because we're too close and they know myself and OH so well. I think it helps to have unbiased viewpoints and what you've both said ring true. I can see it happening but not yet. To be honest, I have started to worry about my age, and that seems terrible when I'm still in my 20s!!!
I'm just going to go with the flow for now. The house needs completely redecorating and that's the priority, along with possible adopting another cat but I don't think I'll get away with that!

Thank you ladies xxxx