anyone pregnant and have stepkids? Or anyone just want to give me a bit of a pat on the head or something?

[glitterjo]

I am 21 weeks pregnant with what will be my first. DP has 2 kids already, 7 and 10. They are great, lovely, bright, have always been nothing but nice to me and are thrilled about the baby. Believe me when I say I know how lucky I am here. Only problem we ever have really is that DSS (10) struggles to control his emotions and can have huge tantrums. Though he's never done it with me, so again, feel very lucky.

Most of the time everything rolls along very well. DP and I had a bit of an argument last night because I went to bed at 10.20 the night before rather than finish off a game with him and DSS (who was having a meltdown because DP told him he obviously needed to go to the loo as he was jiggling his legs - he had a massive tantrum about it). I was exhausted and have got a cold. I said I thought they'd been up too late and he said it was fine because they were on holiday - which I felt was a bit unfair. I don't have a problem with late nights in school holidays, but I do have a bit of a problem with not getting any adult time at all (I can't seem to make it past 11pm at the moment, on a good night!)

I went off and wept by myself. There are so many things that he just doesn't understand, and that I would feel like a terrible person for voicing. Like, I read about first time mums and their partners just shutting themselves away for a few weeks after the baby is born, which I would love to do, but won't happen because it's due in the Christmas holidays so at some point DP will have to go and get the kids and we won't have that time by ourselves. Or all the stuff that's really exciting to me as a first time mum, but he's done it all before. Or that I'm panicking about the run-up to the birth because it's a 2 hour round trip for him to go and pick up the kids and then if I did go into labour, it's an hour for his parents to get here to get the kids. (I must point out that I can see all the irrationalities here, and that I know in my heart there will probably be plenty of time and it will all be ok...but it still worries me). Or that I always wanted to have two children close in age as my brother was older than me by 10 years and though I loved him to bits I was such a lonely child - but we'll only be able to have one baby as we simply can't afford to have another and support his kids.

After I'd cried he came up and told me he knew it was difficult for me, which made me feel awful, because honestly, his kids are great and I'm thrilled to be part of their family, and he is a wonderful partner and father and I'm so happy we're having a baby together. I know I'm an ungrateful sow. But sometimes I feel so sad for not getting the experience that other first time mums get.

On the other hand, I did get a lot of their baby stuff.

Rant over.

don't want to read and run but won't be able to reply properly till tomorrow. In the meantime wanted to let you know that yes, I am in a very similar position to you, you are not alone and I empathise with a lot of your feelings described in your post.

Will reply again tomorrow!
xxx

Hi, my DH has a child from a previous relationship, and i am also lucky that she is a lovely girl.

When i had my first baby i felt like i was going through all the new exciting baby moments by mysekf as he has already been there and done it.

But once the baby was born he was brilliant i think maybe as we had a boy and DH had a daughter may of helped (father and son relationship) when ds was born my dh's mother brought dh's daughter round (with the chicken poxs might i add) and all was fine.
and once they had all gone we shut the world off and it was just the 3 of us.

I am now on baby number 3 and with this one i plan on staying in hospital a little while just so i can have baby time, maybe you would be able to do this as you and dp could spend that time togetgher be for the mad rush of visitors come flooding in.

Please don't feel ungrateful or guilty for having these feelings - I really do think they are very natural.

I'm 39w2d with DD, and so can completely sympathise with the pregnant emotions! I have also been stepmummy to my lovely DSD, who is 4, since DH and I met when she was 1. Similarly to you, I have a fantastic relationship with her and we are a very happy little family.

I think having stepchildren does change the experience of expecting your own baby, both practically (spending my first few days of my mat leave this week on swimming, petting farm and cinema outings!) and emotionally. My situation might be slightly different to yours as DH was sadly not very involved with DSD until she was a few months old, and so this will be his first time of experiencing pregnancy and life with a newborn. But even if these things are not new for your DP, they will be SO different for him too because they are with you!

I really did share some of your concerns earlier in my pregnancy, and the best thing I did was to have an honest chat with DH about them. I'm sure your DP wouldn't think badly of you for sharing your worries, particularly about practical things like arrangements to see your DSCs near to the birth so that you feel a little calmer about him travelling to pick them up etc? We made plans for these sorts of things a while ago, which really helped me to relax.

A couple of my friends who are expecting first babies have been quite concerned about how the new arrival will affect their relationship and how well their DP/Hs will adjust to becoming a daddy. One thing that makes me feel very lucky is that as a stepparent, I get to enjoy all of the excitement of being pregnant and expecting my own child, but with some reassurance that DH and I have experienced parenting together already. I know we can deal with the challenges little ones can create, and that he is a fantastic father. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your stepchildren and that your DP is a great dad, which is great news for your new addition and a positive thing we can enjoy that lots of first time mums can't.

Really hope you feel better, and good luck for your new LO!

Hi,

Just wanted to say I can understand how you are feeling. I am 37 weeks pregnant and my DP also has two kids of 7 and 10, who generally cause me no problems. They tend to stay over for a night or two every few weeks and come over for a few hours and their tea a couple of times a week.

With my due date fast approaching I'm becoming really reluctant to have them stay over as I'd rather not have to worry about what we're going to do with them if I was to go into labour. Its an hour long round trip to take them home and we don't have any family nearby who could have them at short notice. DP doesn't seem to understand my concerns and has arranged for them to stay over this weekend. I know the chances of me going into labour over the weekend are pretty slim but its still a worry for me (sods law and all that!). I feel like a right cow for telling him I'd rather they don't stay over because I know he enjoys the time with them.

I also would love for us to be able to lock ourselves away for the first few weeks but I know that wont happen, and I feel like I'm missing out on lots of first time parent experiences and have been left to do it by myself as he's done it twice before. I'm sure I'm being irrational but its hard to tell through all the hormones!

xxx

oh my god, I cannot tell you how relieved I feel that I'm not the only one going through this - I felt like I must be such a bad person!!! I love MN.

takeoffmummyschoos - I think you're right in that DP wouldn't mind me talking about these things with him, and I think once this holiday is over and we have a bit of time to ourselves I will bring up my concerns with him.

Part of the worry about the run-up to the birth is that although there are no real problems with his ex- she is always really nice to me and it's pretty amicable with them - she's really, really disorganised and all arrangements just have to be pretty last minute due to the way she is. She has a toddler with her new partner but I think she's a whole lot less uptight about timings/arrangements than I am (one of the reasons her and DP split up, mind you, and one of the reasons I think he likes me!) so all the arrangements for November/December will probably be done in, oooh, November. But I think if I talk about it with him again it might help me, though it'll probably stress him out as he'll have to think about talking it over in advance with her, haha.

Oh, thank you for your replies, thank you so much, will be so interested to hear how you all get on when the baby is here. And anyone elses experience of this...it's a tricky one, isn't it?

hi, I'm a stepmum to 3 and a mum of 2.

DSDs were 9 (twins) and DSS was 15 when DD was born. I can totally understand your worries about getting time to yourselves but I honestly think it's better, if at all possible, to just accept you won't get as much time, and be as welcoming as possible (as it sounds like you are normally) it's worth putting the effort in to make sure they don't feel pushed out. that doesn't mean spoiling them BTW (though a present from the new baby can work wonders) - just keeping them involved and letting them know they are loved.

DD is 3 now, DS is 11m, and my stepkids absolutely adore them. I was worried at first that it wouldn't be the same having kids because DH already have some, but actually I feel we're luckier in some ways because that's 3 extra people who love them.

congrats to all you pregnant ladies

Hi, I have an 18month old dd and a dsd now 13. And I felt exactly the same as you and actually, my waters did break (3.5 weeks early) when she was with us and she ended up having to come to the hospital with us before DP dropped me back at home and then took her back to her mum?s.

So I was labouring at home on my own for 1.5hours while he did the round trip but it wasn?t as bad as it sounds because the early stages were quite easy (it got tougher later on).

I desperately wanted our child to be his first when I was pregnant and I was very jealous that he had been there, done that already but now she is here the jealousy feelings have faded (I think a lot of it was hormonal when I was pregnant) but I have to say whilst I do love DSD, the dynamic of the family is easier when she is not around.

This is partially to do with the fact that she has hit her teens since DD was born and she has to share our attention now.

Anyway, I also tried to overcompensate after DD was born as I really wanted DSD to be included so in retrospect I let her do too much. Eg, I let her give DD her first bath, she stayed with us for a week just after DD was born which was definitely too much as I just wanted to shut myself away with DD and sometimes DP! So, in retrospect I would have put my needs first a bit more.

IE, had her over for a night or so but then had some time getting into a routine, enjoying DD. So don?t ignore your feelings but maybe try and find a compromise with DP regarding arrangements.

But, with regards to labour worries, it actually usually takes a really long time so there should be plenty of time to get and DSC back to their mum?s etc, etc before the action starts happening, yes it is an added worry but it can be done.