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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Surrogecy - yes or no?

13 replies

Carty80 · 04/08/2010 15:55

Hi all, I have been tentitively asked by a friend if I would be willing to be a surrogate for her, using her eggs and her husbands sperm. I actually think I would be willing, would need to check with DH first! The only thing causing me worries is how to explain it to my 3.5 DS and 18m DD. They would see mummy pregnant and then no baby living with us at the end of it. Is it too much for them to understand or just explain and hope they dont take much notice? Anyone else been in similar position? Thanks.xx

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DuncanDisorderly · 04/08/2010 15:58

I just told my children that my friends tummy was broken so I was growing teh baby for them. My children were 2, 6, 8 and 15 when my last surrogate baby was born and they don't blink an eye about it.

cinnamongreyhound · 04/08/2010 16:01

I know I couldn't do it but it would be a wonderful gift for someone you care about. Thought of carrying a baby, feeling it move etc, giving birth and then giving it away whether it was genetically mine or not is something I know I couldn't cope with at all. I honestly don't know about your children, my DS is very excited about our baby but then I want him to be so we are talking about it a lot to try and get him used to the idea, perhaps if you didn't talk about it about it being a baby it may not be a big deal to them, you know your children best though. Good luck with it and I hope someone with experience will come along and be able to give you some advice.

Kiki84 · 04/08/2010 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beckie90 · 04/08/2010 16:09

ive always said i would probably do it if some1 i really cared about couldnt have children.
but u should pick what you and your husband really think is for best

Original poster

Carty80 · 04/08/2010 16:24

Thanks for your thoughts, there is a lot to think about. My friend has 2 children but almost died having 2nd and has been told she cant have anymore. She knows she is lucky already having 2 but she would like another. I dont mind she asked me, I feel honoured she thought I would be willing to consider it. My children would notice and would get excited but I they have such innocent minds I was thinking of saying similar thing to DucanDisorderly. Thanks everyone.x

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LucyT66 · 04/08/2010 16:39

Though I'm not sure I could do it, I think it would be a lovely thing to be able to do for a friend. Plus, what a wonderful lesson for your children - that life is not just about doing what's best for us, but sometimes about doing things (even massive, complicated things) to help other people.

Maybe I'm being naive and hormonally-emotional, but I think it would be lovely gift. And I certainly don't think it would be too much for your kids to understand. Kids are pretty resilient and accepting. It's adults who aren't.

Though, in saying all that, I had (perhaps naively) assumed that your friend had been unable to have children. The fact that she already has two makes it seem a little less clear-cut.

Good luck whatever your decision x

sotough · 04/08/2010 18:04

I agree with all the points that LucyT66 makes. I also think it is an amazing thing to do for another woman. However, i do feel the fact that your friend already has two children muddies the water. If she was childless, then the case would be much more compelling. it's a pretty big ask from someone who already is lucky enough to have a family of their own.
The other thing i'd say is that i'd be amazed (and pretty impressed) if your DH is cool about the idea. My DH says he would find it "way too weird" for me to carry someone else's baby. (i think it's the someone else's sperm he's more worried about, TBH )
i'll be intrigued as to how your partner reacts.

cardamomginger · 04/08/2010 18:15

I think you need to find out a lot more information about what's medically involved in surrogacy before you can start thinking about making a decision. If you do decide to go ahead with it, you will be letting yourself in for a pretty grueling time physically, never mind emotionally. You will need to have your menstrual cycle stopped and then re-started so yours and hers are both in sync. This involves pretty major hormones. Implantation of the embryos is not going to be walk in the park. And you may have to go through several cycles of this before you get a viable pregnancy. Sorry if you are already aware of all this medical stuff - don't mean to sound patronising!
Some specialist counseling for you and DH, as well as for your friend, would also be a good idea. How are you all going to feel if you decide to pull out after a cycle or two? How are you going to deal with the situation if the embryos don't "take"? What do you all feel if you have a miscarriage? Would she want to screen for Downs and who would get to decide about termination if testing was positive? How would you cope if you disagreed with some her parenting decision concerning this child? There's a hell of a lot to consider here, and in some ways the fact that you are friends may make things harder, not easier.
I agree with other comments that the fact that she already has 2 children is a contributing factor in this.
Good luck!

Original poster

Carty80 · 04/08/2010 20:18

Yep i agree with the above. Talked to DH, i think he would be more willing if they were unable to have kids at all but as they have 2 already he is not sure, actually me too if I'm honest. He is willing to sit down and for us to talk it through but he is not convinced it would be the best move for our family. I didnt know all the medical side, fairly daunting stuff! Thanks, this has all really helped. xx

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MumNWLondon · 05/08/2010 10:04

It is a lovely gesture to do this for someone. I would be more willing to give eggs I think than be a surrogate.

I have thought about this and whilst I am in awe of anyone who can do it, I am not sure I could. I think if it was my sister or a really close friend (who didn't have any children) I probably could but only if I didn't want any more children myself.

TBH think its a bit wierd that your friend asked when you both have two children and yours are so young?

cardamomginger · 05/08/2010 10:17

For some reason, this has been on my mind a lot! Hope you don't mind me posting again! I think another point to consider is whether you will want to have more children of your own. I'm not sure to what extent the drugs you would need to take may or may not impact on your own fertility. But if for some reason you had a difficult birth with her child that required a lot of interventions, that may impact on how easily you are able to have a vaginal birth afterwards. Would you be OK with that, or not?
I think you and DH have to be 200% committed to the idea of doing this. I think to see it through and to accept and deal with all the physical and emotional aspects of it, anything less might not be enough.
Good luck.

MumNWLondon · 05/08/2010 11:19

Cardamomginger - I thought exactly the same - what if the pregnancy or the drugs did something to impact your future pregnancies eg antibodies or a difficult birth.

Original poster

Carty80 · 05/08/2010 14:25

I hadn't thought about my future and more children. At the moment I dont want anymore but I can't 100% say in the future that that won't change. Had straight forward births with both mine, one at home but i suppose that could change and no I probably wouldn't be ok with it if it stopped me having more children. yes, if it was one of my sisters with no children and I was older, only 30 at the mo, then it may be worth more looking into but I think at the moment there are just too many cons for myself and for the benefit of my own family. Thanks.xx

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