Grumpy midwife

[daisystone]

I had a midwife appointment yesterday (I'm 23 + 5 days) for a general check up - this is my first baby.

It is the same midwife I have seen throughout my pregnancy so far. The other appointments have all been quite perfunctory apart from my booking appointment which was longer and more detailed. To start with I quite liked her and thought she was 'no nonsense' and I liked that she was a bit older and had obviously seen it all many times before and is very experienced.

However, yesterday I left my appointment feeling rather small and alone. Everything I said to her seemed to irritate and exasperate her. I asked if is was likely that she would be at the birth and she said no and I asked if I would get a chance to look round the hospital ward prior to giving birth and again she said no, due to MSRA they don't let people look round.

I asked her about my anterior placenta as it is written on my notes and she was very blase and said 'it's nothing'. I wasn't particularly worried or anything but she was so dismissive. When she checked my uterus and put the microphone thing on my stomach I said "it is alwasy a relief to hear the heartbeat" and she said "we aren't listening for the heartbeat actually, I want to hear movement". I am surprised she didn't say "God you're stupid" after it.

After she had listened she put the equipment away and didn't say anything and I had to ask her if it all sounded OK! I mean, come on, can't she just say "all sounds fine". It was like getting blood out of a stone!

She doesn't give anything. She doesn't smile or joke or reassure without sighing and huffing. She is always preoccupied. I have been in appointments with her when she is on the phone to the hospital about other patients. I am getting really fed up with it.

I said I had only just properly started to feel movement (due to anterior placenta) and she wrote on my notes (i only saw this later) that I was feeling movement everyday. I'm not feeling movement everyday so my notes are now incorrect.

I don't know. Do I expect too much? Is this just the NHS? She's making me feel like I am bothering her when really I have not asked much or spent long with her at all.

I am also becoming frightened about the birth because I won't know who will be delivering the baby and I won't know what the ward looks like. I will be completely in the dark.

What a horrid woman. Ring the hospital and check that they don't do tours of the mat ward - most do, I know mine does. Although I have not bothered going - one hopital room is very like another as far as I am concerned. As for who will deliver the baby well that is the NHS for you I am afraid - you get whoever is on shift at the time and you will probably see shift changes anyway. As for your notes - as long as you know what is going on I would not worry too much.

Ah yes. I had one of them. Great fun.

She prob just thinks that there is nothing wrong with you so you are just another routine appointment to get through before the end of the week.

I hate folk like this - they can make you feel so small and unimportant during a time where you want to be noticed and are most worried.

You can request to see another midwife - even student ones. I actually had the best booking in appointment ever with the student midwife I saw this time around. Compared to the head midwife we saw last time, she was wonderful, an absolute dream!! Really attentive, happy to answer any questions and to allay any fears (sorry to go on, but she was just what we needed when facing scary second pg which required careful management after scary last pg!)

I was pretty ill last pg and had issues with my midwife along these lines until one day I broke down in her office about my high bp and swollen fingers at 23 weeks and she referred us to the antenatal clinic where the midwives there were fantastic.

Generally though, as with any profession, I have found it to be a mixed bag. I've had amazing younger midwives who have been the best thing ever, horrible younger midwives who were inexperienced and a little blase about things when I needed them to be serious, older midwives who were salt of the earth motherly types who made me feel better when I needed comfort and horrible angry midwives for whom everything was a bother.

One thing I learned though was to be forceful. Speak up! Be firm with what you want and need. It is YOUR pregnancy and YOUR body and you know when things are wrong/right.
If you need info make sure they give it to you - you have a definite right to know. Don't let their superiority complex kill yours. It's something I wish I had done last time (was so young and inexperienced last time that I just did what they told me without question, which led to a lot of fear and problems that carried on after birth) and something I am def. doing this time.

Good sources of info are your NHS antenatal classes - they answered a LOT of questions for me and were more practical than you would imagine. They can open up your eyes a bit about what the actual labour ward will be like.

Good luck

You can request to be under the care of another midwife if you don't get on with this one. I think that is what I would do. Ante natal checkups to get a bit routine and repetitive, so they won't be very long, but there's no reason why she can't be pleasant to you.
I think it's the area supervisor of midwifery or somesuch that you need to speak to, perhaps ring the maternity ward and ask who is responsible for allocating midwives.

First of all, that is appalling care from such a supposedly experience mw. I dont have much to offer on this Im afraid (only 6 +5, but first mw app yesterday)but surely a first time mum, especially if you have complications and are worried, you have every right to go and see the place you will be giving birth in and to have your questions answered fully!!

If I was you, I would call the hospital to go and have a look around. Im pretty sure that you are entitled to do that... but best to check than take her word for it, as she is obviously not going to go out of her way to reassure you or offer you advice!

Shocking. I met with my mw yesterday and she isn't attached to a specific hospital here, so it would be very unlikely that she would be at the birth. In the maternity unit there are several mw so the chances are I would't meet the mw delivering baby until Im actually in labour. Some mw are community mw so they are spread quite thinly across a certain area, and not hospital based (I think).

If you are unhappy with her, can you try and see someone else?! Maybe she was having a bad day?! Really hope she didn't upset you too much. If I was you I would speak to someone at the maternity unit, or ask someone for some advice, you shouldn't be fobbed off if you have genuine concerns naughty people!

Hope you get some comfort from someone
x

Don't know what to say, I keep having a different midwife at my appointments (and have now moved so will definitely have a different midwife next time) - just wanted to say I know what you mean, it's my first too, and I know that the doctors and midwives I see have seen it all before, but it's all new to me!!

P.S. I think most hospitals do do tours - they stopped for a bit when they were worried about swine flu but they should all be back on now. You can contact the hospital direct for that.

Poor you. She sounds like a right grumpy cow.

Here's something I have come to remember when faced with rudeness or incompetency from the public sector. If you are a taxpayer, you are effectively her employer. I know this sounds arsey - but it's worth remembering, especially with those doctors who have a bit of a God complex. No question should ever be silly, you should never feel like it's bothering someone. If you have contributed NI and tax, you are essentially paying for this service even if it's sold to you as free. If you went to a restaurant and got shit food and shit service, you would complain or refuse to pay, right?

Before I get told off, it was a sibling of mine who is a long time NHS employee who made me think of it this way!

This is your first baby. Ask every question, expect to be treated with dignity, respect and professionalism. Likewise, staff should have the same courtesy extended to them, but from the sounds of it you are being very polite anyway, if a bit quiet about voicing your concerns.

Hope it improves.

You have my total sympathy. My midwife shushed me at my last appointment just for asking a perfectly reasonable question!

Pretty much all the midwives I've seen (this is my second pregnancy) have been similarly rude and authoritative and only shown a nicer side when dealing with babies - this one only brightened up when she was using the doppler and heard the heartbeat. I think some people must become midwives because they like the baby side of things and then they end up treating us mums like we're children too.