40+ to try or not to try?

[jerzygurl]

HI Ladies im new to here and just wanted to in short tell my tale
i have 2 children 21 and 19..then fell pregnant last year to my fiance ( diff man)..hugeee shock after 19 yrs .fiance flew back to usa for buisness kissing bump bye.i went off for first scan...baby had died at 9+ weeks..i was numb and only looking back did i realise how rubbish i was treated.the doctor asking me did i really want this baby and my age etc it was a missed m/c.
i dont know how i got through it all..my fiance did by cheating with women online..said he needed to take his mind off things..but i did cop..i told him to get lost ..but he turned up back in uk full of remorse and tears and we got married..my daughter gave birth 4 weeks after i would off..it was so hard.
i then fell again feb this year..and sadly in march lost my lil one..another missed/mc..i first i took help ( pill) as truly i didnt know what was goin on and what i should n shoudnt do..and lost lil one home alone..the second naturally at home and was hell..the pain was more like contractions..and huge loss...
and here i am now wondering should i carry on?..i now i hafta see my sons gf who is pregnant n due 4 weeks after i wud of been go through everything i shud be and support them knowing my babys gone ..i had to do the same with my daughter...i wonder will it ever be my time..
we went doctors yesterday..she said we should hurry because my age n has set up blood tests on 2 and 21 days of my cycle..and hubby has to give a sample
are there any other ladys gone or goin through the same?
i feel so alone in all this

sorry for long msg

Unfortunately, it's a fact of life that even if you and your partner have no health issues and look after yourselves (don't smoke/drink, eat healthily, etc) the risk of miscarriage at your age is far higher, and the chances of getting pregnant each cycle far lower, than when you had your children.

Miscarriages are horrendous (I've had 2 and I'm only 29). TBH, I'd try to be happy with the family you have, especially as it seems your partner might struggle if you have further miscarriages. My DH and I may well be stopping after 1 child because of the health implications to me and the stress of TTC.

Have you spoken to your kids about ttc again. I don't think you should let anyone tell you what to do, but I do think you should take on board what they may have to say especially as they have both recently had/having children.
I hope whatever you decide it works out for the best and i'm sorry for your losses.

Thanks ladies and i agree with alot of what your saying..
my kids well...my daughter isnt talking to me right now ( why ive no clue)..she didnt come to my wedding and it took a year of goin to see her n having doors shut in my face to win her over for it to go pear shaped again ..havent seen the grandbabies in weeks
i was dreading holding my grandson as id lost my baby but once he was here it was all okay..and im sure it will be with my sons baby ..
i dunno i just think it was such a huge shock after so many years .there i was ready to be a gradnma again and i was goin to be a mother again and it was all took away .
My daughters bf did say to hubby was we gunna have any kids( as he hasnt got any and hes 33)..wether they agree tho...
i never had a sorry from my daughter about any mc..a how are you nothing...my son on the other hand as his gf were lovely this time
i know im very lucky 2 children and soon 3 grandbabies..maybe i just feel a lil lost right now..i also lost my mother last year so been hell of a ride

thankyou ladies

Miscarriage can really mess with your head, as I am discovering myself.
I had a MMC 3 months ago. Would have been my first baby with my lovely DP. (I have two boys age 10 & 7 from my ex h)The pregnancy was unplanned. I am pushing 38 now & suddenly I am desperate to be pregnant again. It is like the MC has left this huge hole inside me that needs to be filled, so I understand how you are feeling.

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?
It does of course get harder to conceive as you get older & you are at higher risk of MC & other complications, so something to take into consideration. Not sure I feel strong enough to go through all this again.

So sorry you lost your mum recently too. I lost my 40 year old cousin 3 weeks after my MC. Life can seem cruel at times.

I am now waiting for counselling. Do you think something like this would help you?

ty for replying pink..

im 41...42 in sept..and never thought of having more..then new partner and fell ..and like you say seems like its left a huge hole...i coped well..too well..mum had just died in the feb and i lost baby in august 09 and even more baby was due the day mum died!
i got through the wedding then fell apart..maybe the wedding gave me something to think about..my mood swings have been cronic..we got all into trying..he got ov kits and sorted dates to try but the pressue n let down was awful..then when i said soddit..i fell ..n sadly lost again 8 weeks ago..i dunno maybe i feel lost..mum gone and then baby gone.. oh i dunno hun
i just lost my cousin also few months ago brain tumour she was 48..so sorry for your loss hunnie..its like so mucch sometimes isnt it?
i wonder myself can i go through it again..and am i just feeling lost right now..never really thought of counselling..wouldnt know how or where and feel like i should be just getting on with it ..as most people in my life keep telling me
i so feel for you pink...new partner and wanting a baby with him...im the same...i feel im letting him down..

how far gone was you?had you felt alright?

I can identify with a lot of your feelings. I feel totally screwed up since my MC. I was floating along ok before. Had not made mind up as to whether we would have a child together or not. Sort of in wouldn't rule it out mode, but not made a decision, then this happened & changed everything.

Was a shock at first, but we had started to get excited about it. Had no warning signs, no spotting, lots of pregnancy symptoms, then went for my 12 week scan with DP & was told my baby had stopped growing around the 7 week mark. Was a terrible shock.

Can totally identify with the feeling of letting your partner down too, irrational as it is. It was my DP's first experience of a scan. I wanted him to see his baby wriggling around, but instead we saw what looked like an empty sac. I felt like a failure.

I went to the doctor a couple of weeks back, as I was worried I may be getting depressed. I felt like I was crying all the time about it. My ERPC was on the 1st April, so a while back, but I still feel so sad & empty.
The doctor has referred me for counselling, but there is quite a waiting list.

You have been through a lot & sometimes it takes a while before it all hits you, almost like it is too much for your brain to process at first.
You can't force yourself to get over things like this, it takes time. A lot of people who haven't been through it themselves don't realise how much it knocks you for six. It sucks!

What does your husband think? I had a MMC at 40 and my DS was born when I was 42 so it's not beyond the realms of possibility but you have to be prepared that it may not happen again for you. I had loads of tests that showed that my fertility was still ok so that's probably worth doing if you're both prepared to go through the hassle

i think jerzygirl that you know what you want to do. 42 is not outwith the realms of possibility.
goodness - you have had an awful time of it. i cant imagine.
i wish you the very very best of luck xxx

I know a number of people who have very successfully had children well into their 40's (two friends at 44). Both had their problems on the way - multiple miscarriages, fibroid issues and such the like. However, they made the decision that they wanted to have a baby and ultimately they have. They are fab parents and delighted with their respective children. If that's what you want and you are prepared for the ups and downs that you might face, then go for it. I really hope that it works out for you, SB

Sorry ladies for late reply..been so poorli with bad headache that lasted a wek plus and has just returned urgh!

@samantha..ty hun for the words and support..i to have 2 close friends who had babies late 30s earli 40s..and are such relaxed mums...yet other friends are so rude...but thats life eh? ying n yang

@chasing..i do know hun ...i feel bad wanting tho ..like im not thinking of everyone else..ive always thought of everyone else n its hard to think what i want for a change..n i feel so guilty..thankyou so much for the kind words its soo appreciated as i feel so alone xx

@lady..gosh first time i was shaking when i told him..hes been good about it..and told me i dont have to give him a child but if i want then hes with me all the way..but then i get in the mindset of he cudnt care either way n dont really want one..so i dont eva say i trulyyyy want one..omg am i even making sense?i wonder how i went to being happy with the two i had to ...gosh i find it even hard saying here...( wanting another)..weve gone to docs i have to have blood tests at days 2 and 21..and he give a sample.we are falling just not keeping the babies..corse i already blame myself as right now i feel a failure at everything..did you have many problems?thisis why weve gone for tests so that we know once n for all ..if we can or cant.

@pink..exactly same hun...was happy with the two i had ..then bang meet new man and fell and huge shock.
and again like yourself..found out at scan lil one had died.but i was alone so..not sure if it was worse..the way he dealt with it certainly was!i think the anger from him doin that and the wedding carried me through

This time..he was there..and we both broke down ..strangely him worse than me.i too like yourself wanted him to see this lil bouncy thing on screen ..but nothing..2 weeks later we had to see my sons scan pic of his lil one..my grandbaby..its so hard..

Maybe its all hitting me..losing mum a cousin and two lil ones in 15 months..watching my daughter carry the time i should off..and now watching my sons gf carry when i should be..is all catching up

and now my daughters not talking to me..why i have no clue..so havent seen the grandbabies..whateva next i ask ...i truly feel im failing as everything..but mostly a mother to thos ei have and those i lost

@pink..i hope your feeling a lil better hun..day at a time x

I've had both my dds in my forties so I would say don't give up hope.I was lucky and got pregnant easily and stayed pregant,but although you've had miscarriages,which I am sorry to hear,you may be fine next time.Eat well and get plenty of rest,take a good prenatal multi vitamin,have some accupunture and try and avoid stress( hard I realise as you've had such an awful time).Maybe you could have some couselling to help you deal with losing your babies,as it sounds as though you are really grieving without much support.I wish you all the best.

aww wow congrats helly..what did you have? did you have any problems at all with the age thing? pregnancy wise or family/friends?

I need to kick myself into gear i know..and i dont eat right sleep or rest enough ( till past week when my heads been so bad).

I broke down and my sons been wonderful ..but hes got his own to deal with and i try not put on him..hubby also.my daughterd attitude is get over it and im needy 0_o

maybe depression has hit finally and that counselling and acupuncture u reccomend is a good way forward

thankyou Helly xx

I've got two girls,the eldest born a few days after I turned 41,and the younger one when I was 43. I do wish I'd had them younger,partly as I want to be with them for as long as possible,and I would have liked to be a young Grandma,but life didn't pan out that way.I have a few friends who had babies at much the same time,but now I've moved back to Wales from London I feel more unusual as an older mother,as women here tend to have babies pretty early.
Your Daughter maybe feels resentful that she wants your focus on her and her baby ,rather than on your babies that you've lost,and that is understandable,as you are still a mummy to her and a grandma.Make as much fuss of her and the baby as you can,and try looking forward and being positive.Lots of women have babies in their 40s.

How wonderful and your proof it can still happen ..i do love being an young nana.and know how tiring that can be..wierdly i dsaw them this weekend and was wonderful ..i just truly feel like losing mum two babies and not seeing my daughter n grandbabies was
leaving me truly empty.
I understand it may of been strange to her..was strange to me believe me after 19 years but problems with her started way before that but we wont go into that.
i go a few days then break down these past two days badly...a friend lent me a film and the opening scene was a woman misscarying.. :(
and today i learnt my husbands brothers wife is having a baby that will be due a week after i would off and thats crushed me ..i feel a failure to him ..that i cant give him children and theres his brother with 2!
Life never pans out how we plan and i know im so very lucky with my two children and have (nearly) 3 grandbabies to love.