Friends IVF didnt work and feel awful

[sandiejane]

Hi everyone

My friend who is in her mid 30's has been trying for a baby for flippin years and her first IVF has just failed and she is mortified.

I'm 27 and about to give birth in about 6 weeks and I have no idea how to be there for her.

She's been told she has a next to zero chance of having kids and IVF is her only option.

I feel devastated for her.

I also feel crap for being pregnant in front of her and feel like I am rubbing salt in the wound.

I really want to be there for her but I've told her that I can't come over cos I didnt think it was appropriate. Im sure it'll make her feel even worse. But I just wanna give her a massive hug and some flowers but will that just make her worse etc?

I honestly don't know what to say or do.
Can anyone give me any advice.

BTW she was so happy for me when I told her I was preggers and has never ever been funny with me.

She's amazing.

So sorry for your friend. I'm sure lots of people will come on and give you some great advice. I'm interested to see what they say, one of my best friend's first IVF attempts has just failed and I am pregnant with twins. She has been incredibly giving, supportive and happy for me. I have a positive outlook and hope that her next attempt is more successful.

There are lots of IVF success stories, it doesn't always work first time.

I think you should ask your friend if she would like some company? I don't think you should try and avoid her, it will probably make her feel worse.

Congratulations on your pregnancy btw.

how sad for her.

fwiw when my bf had her baby after i had 3 miscarriages i could not wait to see her. everyone is different and you have to take your lead from her.

tell her that you are there for her if she wants/needs you.

hope she has some luck soon.

How sad

You sound like a lovely friend btw

I think I would phone and say something like "I really want to see you, but am mindful I want to avoid upsetting you. Please be honest with me, I won't be offended if you don't want to see me just yet but if you think it's ok I'll come over"

I had IVF and was thankfully successful on my first try. I think had it failed I would have needed time on my own for a few days. Not least because I would need time to get over the loss and to think about what my next step would be.

Sounds like you have already spoken to her so maybe give it a few more days and then give her a call. Let her know that you are thinking of her and that you want to be able to support her if she needs it. I think you are doing the right thing in being totally honest with her about how you feel and how you think she might feel about your pregnancy, it would be much worse to not mention it. You sound like a great friend to have.

Thank you everyone. You have said some lovely things.

She is back at work tomorrow and works on the floor above me so I will check with her if it's ok to pop up. I just want her to know that I am there for her. And like many of you have said, maybe she wants to see me and is still looking forward to me having my baby.

I just hope she can get through it.

BTW, I know seven couples given a "less than 1% chance of having a baby naturally" who now have children all conceived without help, some of them with more than one child. One couple, tried for 8 years then had two children in two years. One tried for 18 years before having their baby.

She always has hope.

My BF has just had her fourth round fail. The things she hates people saying are:

1. you never know, maybe it could happen naturally (ARRRRGGGHHH!!)
2. So, will you try a surrogate/sperm donor next time...
3. So, what about adoption?

The things she loves is

1. Having people around her who are there to talk about it if she needs to but are also there to talk about other things too
2. Being able to have a good cry and be open and honest about sometimes being jealous and how hard it is to be jealous and pleased for someone at the same time.

Be yourself, talk to her about your pregnancy, don't avoid it but be aware of how much you're talking about it (it's SO easy to talk ALOT about it!)and just be there for her.

We were told it was very unlikely we would have children naturally and IVF was our only option. I got pregnant naturally 3 weeks before IVF was due to start (after 3 years of trying). This time we had unprotected sex once and thought I would take ages again and I got pregnant straight away. It does happen but maybe not what your friend wants to hear right now.

If she was happy for you in the first place, she may feel slightly hurt that you are avoiding her even though I can totally see where you are coming from. I would speak to her and ask her if she would like some space or would she like a shoulder to cry on. She may still be excited about your baby and may like to be involved, although she may want to steer clear. Only she can tell you that.

I was also told that IVF is generally more successful the second time. Don't know how true that is though.

Hi guys

I spoke to her via email today and she said that she wasnt ready to socialise too much and had lunch at her desk.

She said that one minute she's ok then the next she's beside her self with grief.

Feel awful for her.

I really hope that she does conceive naturally cos I know it would mean the world to her but you just never know in these cases. I also hope at some point her treatment works cos she'd make a brill mum.

I will keep trying cos I'm not giving up on her

Thanks for all your advice