My friend said she isn't happy for me

[saltnvinigarcrips]

Feeling very deflated at the moment. An old friend who I emailed recently about my pregnancy replied today saying because of an abortion she had 10 years ago (which i knew about 10 years ago) she can't be happy for me as she has been in denial all these years about how much it has fucked her up and she has been having counselling for 2 years. I feel awful for her but gutted at the same time that she couldn't even say 'congratulations'. Also, I'm worried incase the abortion has meant she can't have children (it was done illegally abroad).
I'm really looking for some advice on what I can say to my friend as i'm worried she may cut me off and she means a lot to me.

this is really difficult. poor you. perhaps you could email her back saying you know what a tough time she's had/is having and that you are still there for her. maybe acknowledge that it can be difficult for women longing for babies to be around pregnant women, but emphasise how much she and her friendship means to you? if you want to stay friends, it is probably worth setting aside your hurt that she can't find the strength to be happy for you just now. i was feeling a bit sad yesterday that a friend (not a close friend though) who has shared the pain of going through a number of miscarriages with me, has not sent me any nice messages about my pregnancy. (i am currently 15 weeks, and she knows this.) Sadly she has only recently lost another pregnancy herself. AFter thinking about it for a bit i realised that i should be the one sending a nice message to her, not the other way round. not sure why i mention this except to say that these situations are always so delicate and sensitive, and for a woman desperate for a baby, another woman's good news can be really difficult to handle.

Thanks sotough. I think it just came as a shock. She lives abroad so I haven't seen her for years although we've done well to stay in touch. I met her not long after her abortion when we were both a lot younger but I guess grief can be delayed can't it and I guess I just feel sad I had no idea she was going through any of this.

It's good that she told you what was happening with her instead of just cutting you off, which is what some people in her situation would have done.

She must value your friendship to be so honest about this.

It's hard to know what to say, maybe start with that you don't expect her to be happy for you and you hope she's OK.

lunatic i agree she is being a bit mean spirited...as you probably know, grief over childlessness/loss of a child can be overwhelming at times and this may have caught her at a bad moment. she perhaps isn't thinking straight, and she's certainly not thinking generously. it's just that the original poster says how much she values this lady's friendship, so in the interests of staying friends, original poster may be best swallowing her hurt.

sorry, lunatic, i don't mean as you "Probably" know grief can be overwhelming. of course you know. i can think of nothing worse than what you've been through. clumsy phrasing, late at night.

My best friends baby was still born september last year and I am due the end of september this year. She has been supportive and is able to feel happy for me while still sad for her own loss. That said it has taken a lot of honesty, talking and sensitivity to see us thru this. Our friendship is the strongest it has ever been and Im so glad I havent lost her but it was so important that I made her feel comfortable expressing herself around me and we worked thru a lot of things together.
There is no harm in gently pointing out to your friend that you are wounded she couldnt feel happy for you. It is a normal response in many ways but she must also learn how to separate her experience from everyone elses and cant punish others for her misfortune. Make it clear that you value her friendship and would love to stay in touch but if she needs space she need only say so. After that you have to let her make her own choices. It sounds like your friend has punished herself for years and is quite bitter over it. She may not be readily able to set that bitterness aside just yet and it is not something you will want to deal with/taint what is a very special time in our life.

I had an ectopic and a few miscarriages before I successfully fell pregnant and it was pure torture seeing my friends so easily get pregnant, one by one, as I never thought I would have a family. I cried and cried and tried to put on a brave face as I watched their bumps grow bigger and bigger. Watched them make all their future plans with siblings as we were planning for a future without children. It was raw. I found it hard to be good friend. I did my best. I was always there if they wanted me, but I did distance myself a bit.

With this pregnancy (DC3 now) I have a friend who has completely distanced herself from me after 8 failed IVF's (she already has one child), and although it hurts as we used to see eachother every week and she was a great friend through my last pregnancy, I understand that it might be hard for her to be around me (especially as this one wasn't planned).

Your friend is obviously going through a tough time, and granted it must have really upset you to have such an illogical, agressive reaction. She seems very emotional and maybe with time she'll come around and realise that she doesn't want to lose such a friend.

I'd give her some time. After all, I bet you were a great support to her during her abortion, and as a friend she should also be supportive and happy for you as you start the exciting next chapter of your life.

I don't think I'll be able to be a part of my friend's life for a while. It makes me sad, but I understand. Sometimes these things happen.

Good luck with your pregnancy and I truly hope you don't let this stop your exciting time.

Your friend could have easily faked a smile over the internet, it very simple to just type congratulations. She chose to take the joy out of your news. I would probably email her and say you were hoping for her to be happy for you but understand for her to want to upset you this much things must be really tough for her, you are delighted that you are expecting a baby and when she's ready you would love to share this joy with her. You can't pretend this isn't happening but your friendship is important and so if she can think of how your friendship can survive this you would love it.

I think your friend is being a bit mean, the abortion was her choice done 10 years ago. As others have said, she lives abroad and could have faked a "thats nice".

Maybe there is more to it - presumably she hasn't had any children since (your comment about maybe she can't) so probably best to just keep quiet about it with her.

She could easily have offered her congratulations, regardless of how she felt.
She chose not to. You know her of course, but I'd be inclined to wonder if she is someone who has to make everything about her?

erm... so in the last 10 years she hasn't known anyone else get pregnant? is she very attention seeking?

Thanks for all your advice. She is a really wonderful, open person and it's frustrating that I can't just pop round to her place and have a frank conversation and let her know I'm there for her. She had the abortion when she was very young in a third world country and the whole thing was traumatic enough, blindfolded and no anesthetic so i'm not surprised as an adult it has finally come back to haunt her.
I have emailed her back and am now just waiting for a reply.

I think it is difficult to really know what to do. I've lost the friendship of three previously close friends since I had ds. One was ds's godmother who had a failed IVF cycle around the time I fell pregnant with ds. She was keen to be godmother but it was an awkward relationship and now we have no contact (ds is 6). Another is childless and has struggled with friends having children. The third has had two abortions and is now of an age where a successful pregnancy is becoming more unlikely and has not been in a relationship for some years.

I haven't pursued any of these friendships as I cannot change the fact that ds exists, he was an accident and I was told I was unlikely to be able to have children.

I would like to have a relationship with them but my contacts are never returned and I took the decision last year that maybe it was better to leave it. The ex godmother had sporadic contact up until ds was 1 but the other two have never met him (one is UK and the other is abroad). It makes me sad as we were good friends but I have come to the conclusion it may be for the best.

congratulations on your pregnancy. I don't think there is really anything you can say to your friend - it's really down to her processing things in her own mind so that she can cope with your pg. so bog all you can do to help that, other than being generally sensitive (e.g. not mailing scan photos to her etc).

I second the opinions here that she is at best being very tactless and unthinking and at worst mean and self-centred. If she has been in counseling for 2 years, as she says, then surely that is a better forum where she can express that she can't be happy for you rather than dumping it on you? Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I guess I will wait to see if she replies and what she says. Otherwise, i think totalchaos I will have to accept it is down to her to process and deal with my pg.
So sorry to hear your news about your friends MollieO. It must feel awful to be punished for someone else's misfortune. I just think maybe when the children are older, things could be easier. Maybe it's just the whole baby thing? I don't know. Anyway, I know when I was ttc (which seemed like ages when it really wasn't) I was upset that my friend was pregnant before me so I guess that is a tiny taster of how some people must feel. I just think it is all very very sad.

I understand your friends position. I'm ashamed of myself, but when i lost my child, i cut off a very close friend who was also pregnant. Prior to my loss we had been due in the same week, have known each other all of our lives, and i know that i was the only person she had at that time to share her pregnancy with. I know i an a small small person but i just couldn't face her. She's now had her son and her dh has asked me to go and visit her after all this time. I'm now feeling so ashamed and bad that i wasn't there for her i'm embarrassed to go. Your friend was tactless and cruel but i don't imagine it was intended. She just vented her frustration and hurt. I agree with others that you should try to swallow that for the sake of the friendship. Good luck and congratulations.

I think she was being selfish...when my best friend told me she was PG I had just been told I would probably never have children (was wrong as it happens) and I silently cried but told her I was delighted for her, and I was delighted for her, as I love her.

(silently cried as she told me on the phone)

sad situation for both of you. it's a real shame she couldn't be happy for you and put her feelings aside - or even pretend to. but perhaps it was just a bad time, and I agree that she must value your friendship to tell you how she felt.

having said all this, I know it's upsetting that she's not congratulating you but to be brutally honest I don't feel sorry for you here, I feel sorry for your friend, and think you should let what she said go.

let's face it - no matter how upset you are, you'll get a beautiful baby in a few months, and she may never have that joy.

I think your friend is being mean in not congratulating you. After all the things that happened to her are not your fault. I had a ectopic pregnancy in Dec 2008 and returned to work in the new year. The day I went back a colleague and freind took me aside and told me she was pregnant and that no other members of the team knew yet, she had wanted to tell me first. She was due 1 month after I would have been due. I was so pleased for her and was taken aback by her sensativity. Yes she is hurting but you being pregnant is not going to change that.

Congratulations!

Your friend is out of order. She didn't miscarry or have a stillborn baby like some of the tragic stories on here. She chose to have an abortion, it was her choice to make, nobody forced her and now she is being horrible to you because you are pregnant 10 years later.

I would be pretty pissed off actually and rethink my friendship with someone who couldn't even give me a fake congrats in an email.