How do you baby proof your relationship?

[redandyellowandpinkandgreen]

I know it is going to be difficult and hard work and perhaps I am even a bit too pessimistic, as much as I want this baby I know it is going to be tough for a bit. So, how do you make sure 'you' as a couple emerge unscathed at the other end?

I feel like we will be ships passing in the night for a time but then it will get easier right?

Is there anything we can do/talk about now that will help us?

Thanks

This is a really important issue! the first few months can be really difficult, esp if baby is not in a routine and you're barely even getting to sit down for dinner together.
A few months after my DS was born, we took drastic measures, and hired a babysitter/nanny to come in just on Sunday mornings. it was SO worth it. it meant that for one precious morning a week, we both had a lie in, time for cuddles, and a relaxed start to the day. if you can afford it, it is a wonderful investment in your relationship!

Agree with everything - and fact you are posting shows that you are at least going in right direction.

It does get better - I think our relationship better now than ever (dd is 2) but just try and get through early days as best you can (loads of advice on here) .

As hard as it is - make time for each other. We passed in the night for the first week or so and then little things started to niggle - the pile of ever growing washing, the washing being doing but darks in with whites, what was for dinner (yes that pathetically small) etc. I ended up in tears one night and we agreed we needed a little us time - even 10mins a night just ot be us. So I would settle DD in her bouncy chair after her evening feed and we would turn off the telly and if it was early enough we would cook and/or eat dinner together depending on DD. If it was later DH would make tea and bring in biccies and we would sit on the sofa and talk about his work/sport/cars anything except DD. it was VERY hard work initially but it saved our sanity in the end. We haven't done it with DD2 (yet) but I plan to start tomorrow as we need us time, just a snuggle on the sofa/a cuppa and a chat nothing brain draining or requiring much concentration.

Deal with issues as the come up don't hold them back until it builds up and you endup having a huge arguement about 600 things that cannot be solved in one day.

We have a rule not to play the 'I'm more tired than you' game. The game goes something like this:

DH: God, I'm tired. She really didn't sleep well last night. did she? I can't tell you how knackered I am!

DW (having breastfed all night whilst DH snoozed in bed next to her): You're tired...!

Cue a row...

Also, I think that if you can each try to do one or two simple, little things to help each other each day makes the world of difference. My DH always, always makes sure I have a big glass of water each time I sit down to bf whenever he is home. Its such a simple thing, but is so thoughtful and it reminds me why I love him. It makes it so much easier to overlook other silly things that have annoyed you, because on the amount of sleep you will be getting everything will annoy you!

i smiled ruefully at jellybabylady as we have that rule too, currently on third totally non sleeping child!

also we don't do the 'taking it in turns to have a lie in at weekends' which loads of other couples do... it actually seems to lead to more resentment... if we're up at 5am, we're up at 5am TOGETHER, it's sort of nicer that way for us, we're a team...

also i find a blow job never offends - it's amazing how much goodwill from dh that can generate...

Lady No, we don't do the alternate lie ins either. The only exception is the first week or so of having a newborn when I've been still in the post-birth exhausted, crying stage.

Been thinking more and I think if you can each recognise when the other really needs a break and then let them have some time out it really helps.
This definitely applies to the dads as well as the mums. When DD2 was just under 2 weeks old, my DH really needed some time out. I amazed him by saying I didn't mind if he went off on a Sunday afternoon with a mate and played golf, I think that earnt me some major brownie points. His mate couldn't believe I hadn't minded, but he came back a new man - he just really needed the break. It made that day much harder for me, it was the first time on my own with my 16 month DD1 and the new baby but I know he needed it and he'll do the same for me when I reach breaking point.

Lady Having the first two totally non-sleeping children makes it impressive you got the time or energy to make a third!!

DON'T READ THE BOOK
it's dreadful!

lol @ 'a blowjob never offends'. DH would love the sound of that :-)

yes
iirc the book was obsessed with you both getting time away from the baby from a very early age which IME would be more stressful than it was worth.
It also mentions blow jobs - as a way to avoid sex, which is what every woman wants, right??

Best advice I can give is to keep talking to each other. If you are feeling resentful that you are feeding all the time, let him know. If he's feeling a bit left out cos you're feeding and he can't, he should talk about it too. It stops any little niggles turning into full-blown anger and also gives you the chance to try and address things that might not be working. Inevitably you're going to be tired and emotional at least some of the time and the best way we found to cope with it was just to be completely open about how we were feeling.

Only other thing I can think, on the positive side, is just to make sure you totally wallow in those little moments when you're all together, and you and DP are sitting watching DC and s/he does something totally amazing, and you both look at each other, feeling so unbelievably proud and happy, those moments are just pure joy and you need to remember those when you're feeling p*ssed off with the whole thing.

Good luck and enjoy it all!

Have you actually read it? I didn't get the impression you had from your post - thought it was just from the wording of the OP!
If you have and it works for you then good, but I spent the time reading it wanting to rip the pages out and burn them

I never found that our relationship suffered at all tbh. But then we co-slept which meant no sleepless nights (except for illness). Plus I breastfed for a long time so nightfeeds always had to be me!

We have two kids age 5 and 3 now and the only thing that has caused us to row (and even that very rarely) has been discipline but we talk about it and deal with it.

If you have a strong relationship already then don't worry about it. Why do you have to feel like ships passing in the night? You are in this together right?

Oh and try and keep your sex life alive! Some may disagree but excluding 6 week recovery times after birth we have always kept things going in that dept and it keeps us closer.

yeah I feel the same as you, but the fact that we are aware that it is going to be hard and that you have discussed that together means that it will probably all be fine. I think it is those with their heads in the clouds that will get the biggest shock.

I agree about the blowjob point! If you have the energy

I found the best clue to damage limitation was a dh who was as involved in the babies as I was. And yes, that involved letting him make his own mistakes and learning from them, just as I had to.

My Dh has been fantastic since DS was born 2 years ago, better than I could have hoped for. I think this is down to good fortune rather than anything you can do in advance to prepare yourselves though.

It is really important though for both of you not to think that things are "going to get back to normal". They won't, they will always be different to how they were pre-DCs. That's not to say things won't be good, but I have seen a friend's relationship really struggle for years because of the expectation that the baby would be born, there would be a period of 6 months of disruption, and then things would carry on as they had done with their usual pastimes (sports which take all day and can't be done with babies and toddlers). They are still struggling and my friend tends to get left with their DC alone alot at the weekend so that her DH gets his time out from their "boring" (his words) life. I'm not sure what could have been done pre baby to guard against this, as rationally knowing that things will change is very different to living with and accepting the reality.

Good luck with the new arrival. It will all be fine as long as you don't go in with expectations that are too high, and you remain kind to one another.

Thank you all for the good ideas.

I am impressed anyone can manage blow jobs my gag reflex has become very well developed since I became pregnant so it is somewhere near impossible at the moment. I am hoping it goes when the baby is born or we might run in to problems!