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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Cold-shouldered by a friend - advice please

13 replies

vinocollapso · 22/07/2010 13:44

Hi, hoping someone can offer some impartial advice on a delicate subject. Sorry it's a bit long.

I am expecting our first baby, in fact I'm due next week. I am 37 and my partner is 44. I had a miscarriage last year, so know how lucky I am to have fallen pregnant on the second attempt, and have had a very straight forward pregnancy.

My partner's best friend of 25 years has been with his girlfriend for 5 years, and they have been trying for a baby only a few months after getting together - she is now 46 and he is also 44. Sadly, despite IVF and egg donation, getting pregnant has not happened for them.

She has a 14 year old from a previous relationship.

Long story short - she has avoided me for the whole pregnancy, to the extent where her partner now comes to visit us without her.

Can anyone give me any advice on how to breech the gap? I am not a 'baby-baby' person so wouldn't dream of phoning her to go on and on about babies, but at the same time I feel a bit strange now when she does call. I have only seen her twice in 9 months.

What with the baby due next week it's going to be hard to avoid this subject for any longer...should I just ignore it and concentrate on being a new mum?

OP posts:

pinkyp · 22/07/2010 13:51

I'd try to make an effort with your friend, must be hard for here. If she still doesnt come round then at least you've made the effort and can concentrate on being a mum. Maybe invite them both round for a meal b4 baby comes, dont avoid talking about baby if she does come over but like u say maybe dont be all baby baby. Hopeit worksout for you

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 22/07/2010 14:03

Poor woman. Could you send her a card or something?

Original poster

vinocollapso · 22/07/2010 14:11

I have invited her down on her own back in April - we had lunch in town but she make it clear she could only stay for an hour and a half, and the she left. She was very uncomfortable, and I felt mean for not really knowing what to say, or how to comfort her. The old me would have suggested a couple of glasses of wine and let her just pour it all out again, but it's so hard to comfort someone when the thing they want is on the other side of the table, and you can't give it to them.

I have sent lots of little cards and gifts, but when her partner came to visit us in June, he said that she really has an issue with seeing the four of us together. He said she also has issues with new-borns.

I just don't know what else to do.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 22/07/2010 14:16

There's nothing else you can do. She will just have to get over herself in her own time.
Look, it's not your fault she can't have a baby. You have not deprived her of motherhood. You have tried to be kind to her but the fact remains that you are PG and you are having a baby and you shouldn't have to tiptoe round this woman indefinitely. Tell her DP to pass on your best wishes, say you're sorry she feels this way, you wish her well and will be happy to see her when she feels up to it, then put her out of your mind and concentrate on your own family.

emmyloo2 · 22/07/2010 14:16

To be honest, I think you have already been a very caring friend. You have every right to be excited about your pregnancy and although it is difficult for her, this is an issue for her to resolve I think. Of course you should be sensitive - and it appears as if you are being more than sensitive - but ultimately she needs to come to terms with her disappointment about not being able to have a baby. She will come across other pregnant women and newborns and she will have to learn to cope.

I think you can only do your best and still invite her around once your baby is born, but if she doesn't want to come, then there is not much more you can do. And if she does come, obviously the attention will be on the baby but you would obviously talk about other things.

Just continue to be sensitive - I think that is all you can do.

Good luck!

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 22/07/2010 14:26

I agree, there doesn't sound much else you can do. But it seems as though you have already been so kind..

Original poster

vinocollapso · 22/07/2010 14:27

Thanks, everyone, that's really helpful and sensible advice. I wanted to check I wasn't being overly or under sensitive.

My DP says to ignore it (he think she's being very selfish), but it's not how I feel about it. Plus, she's his best fiend's partner, I can hardly pretend she doesn't exist.

She has already phased out one set of our friends because they had a baby last year, maybe that's why I'm a bit worried (although being 39 weeks pregnant probably plays a part!! Hormones!!).

Anyway, thanks again, I'll hold on to this advice.

OP posts:

LucyT66 · 22/07/2010 14:30

I agree with other posters - there's nothing more you can do.

To look at things from her perspective - it is probably understandable that for the time being it is too difficult to be around you. This isn't your fault. It's just how it is.

I remember last year, after a mc, I just didn't want to be in my pregnant friend's company for a while. It was nothing to do with her. It was me. But I simply preferred to hide away for a while.

I think you just have to get on with your own life and being a mummy to your baby. your friend may or may not come round - in six months, in a year, two years or never - but I think you have to leave it to her.

emmyloo2 · 22/07/2010 14:38

I can see where your DP is coming from to be honest in her being selfish. I can completely understand how difficult it is for her but sometimes you still have to put aside your hurt and pain and be happy for other people. If she cannot do that, then she will have an unhappy life ahead of her.

That said - I do know how difficult it can be when someone gets something or has something you want but can't have - I have experienced it with career but not with a baby and it takes strength to say to yourself - I know I would like what she has but I have to be happy for her because she is my friend.

domesticslattern · 22/07/2010 14:42

Don't try to breach the gap. Just leave her be. Lots of little cards and gifts, however well meant, will just feel like you are rubbing it in. Sorry.

Lotta123 · 22/07/2010 14:46

Just give her time. I avoided pregnant women after a MMC. I just didn't think I'd keep it together when talking to them. If you really want to work on the friendship maybe arrange to see her without the baby in six months time.

afterivf · 22/07/2010 15:25

www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html take a look here....it might help to explain in words how she may be feeling.

Original poster

vinocollapso · 22/07/2010 16:41

Domesticslattern yes, I can see how that might be perceived, so that's good advice. I hadn't sent tons of things, just the odd card and silly trinket, the sort of crap friends send each other!

afterivf - thank you, I'll have a read of that, I appreciate you sending the link.

I do very much want to work on the friendship, she's a great person and mum to her child, and I value her opinion on many things, including parenthood.

Thanks again, everyone, for your thoughts.

OP posts:

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