Anyone else petrified of giving birth?

[PJen]

Hi...My name is PJen, I am 20 weeks pregnant and confess that I am officially horrified of giving birth!!!!

I know that all mothers are afraid of giving birth but I don?t think they all are as scared stiff as I am or they would never get pregnant in the first it... I avoided getting pregnant for 36 years as I was scared of going through birth! I am in love with DH and wanted his child ? so I got pregnant. But now I am petrified!!! I have reoccurring dreams of not getting epidural since the aesthesia consultant is not available or MW doesn?t think it is necessary or some ?a**hole? thinks it is better to give natural birth and I wake up from my own screams of being terrified to go through birth without epidural... I am tired in the mornings as I don?t get sleep and I can?t enjoy being pregnant as I can?t mentally cope with the idea of what?s ahead of me... It doesn?t help that my mom, sis and aunts all had horror birth stories of long hours of labour, broken hip bones, forceps, last minute c-sections and god knows what. I have had 4 surgeries in my life ? one very similar to a C-section and actually in the same area ? and I was okay with all of them and am not afraid of a C-section. Only if I could opt for one under NHS!

Anyone else out there terrified of giving birth and ready to confess???

Hey. I am 30 wks with my first. I was fine, and then all of a sudden, it sorta sinks in what's going to happen and actually come out of my foof. I was like this on and off for about 7 wks.

I moved house not long ago and decided I want a home water birth. The more I read up on it, the more relaxed i am feeling. I think it's the idea of being in my own home, comfortable, knowing my DH doesn't have to leave me overnight etc.

I know this is not for everyone though, and it seems pain is a big issue for you. Try asking your relatives to keep their horror stories to themselves. Just remember, for every horror story, there are plenty more straight forward birth stories, that people don't tell you.

When you go to your ante natal class, they should have all the statistics of assisted deliveries, last minute c/s etc so you will be able to see how many births really are ok.

As far as pain goes, why not just see how you are throughout. Start with entonox, if that isn't enough, pethidine, if that is not enough, an epidural. Nowadays, if you don't want to feel pain, you don't have to. Just make sure you have it in your birthplan as when you're in agony, you're probs not going to want to have an in depth conv. about pain relief haha

Please please don't worry. It does hurt, of course it does when a bowling ball it coming out of yr bits but there are things you can do. Talk to your midwife about how you feel. I know it's not usual but I know that some will refer to consultants if they think that a mum is absolutely unable to do anything else because of fear. It has happened that sections are performed in circumstances like this (not that I'm promising anything for you).

Ask people not to tell you bad stuff. If they persist then just get up and walk away. They'll get the message pretty soon!

And it really isn't that bad. I've done it 3 times with different 'ishoos' with each. The third was hardest as I had SPD so it was tricky to ensure my body wasn't put under undue strain but no worse really than the others. And if it helps, I'd do it again tomorrow!

If you're planning a hosp birth (I guess you are if you're talking epidurals) ask for a tour of the ward on your own, not with your antenatal group. That way you can have a proper talk with a midwife about how you feel. You won't be the first to feel like this so they'd probably be full of good advice.

Good luck, you'll be fine. And it's true what they say - it receded remarkably when you hold him/her in your arms.

I also meant to say, deal with tours / drs as soon as possible. Don't spend your whole pregnancy in a flat spin. It's such a waste of time which should be full of anticipation not terror x

PJen I feel for you. I know what you mean by being petrified of giving birth.

Back in Jan/Feb time when I was 9mths pg with DD, I was feeling exactly how you are feeling now. I couldn't sleep knowing what I was going to go through, and it's no easy task for a woman, I know. But your body will cope fine no matter what happens, because that is how it was designed, and the fear is mainly a psychological one.

It doesn't help that your family are sharing their horror stories with you. Like LouM10 says, it's better to ask them to keep their stories to themselves as it does little to alleviate your fears. It is far better for someone who has a positive birth story to tell you that giving birth really is a good experience.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your DH. If he plans to be at the birth, he should be able to give you the support you need. In my experience, my DH was there all the way and in order to encouraqe me during the hardest part of labour, he painted a picture in my head of the little trips away that we would have with our little DD and of all the happy times we would share when she finally arrived. It gave me something other than pain to concentrate on and this helped me through the birth. As a physical aid, you could always ask for pain relief.I had the help of gas and air, although I can't say I enjoyed the feeling of light-headedness!

I'm sure you will be fine. Physically, it's no surprise you'll feel a little battered and bruised, but if you are like me, emotionally, you will feel fantastic after giving birth knowing that your body has produced a human being and that you have gone through a wonderful lifechanging experience to bring a new life into the world. I know it's cliched, but you will really cherish that special moment when your baby is first put into your arms. It will feel like nothing else matters. Enjoy every minute.

the way i dealt with the fear was to get as many facts as possible. DH and I went to private ante-natal classes each week for 6 weeks run by experienced mid-wives who were not all 'natural is the way to go' but were very open to everything that may happen and how you deal with it including dealing with the medical staff. This was good for DH because he was my mouth for me once I was in full labour and decisions were to be made.

Because it was a small group on a regular basis it was easy to ask specific questions to your situation and have a good discussion.

The other thing I had was a pregnancy relaxation CD which was fab and was designed to help cope with the run up to labour and to some extent labour itself.

FWIW, here's my probably load of bollocks theory about childbirth:

Mother Nature gets you in the right mood for birth (i.e Bring It On) because the last few weeks of pregnancy are pretty shitty and you end up willing labour to start because you officially Can't Stand Being Pregnant Anymore

Can you tell I'm about to drop?!

PJen - I felt the same as ou aou birth - absoutely horrified at the very thought of that process happening to me epidural or not! I chose a CS and got one on the NHS so it is possibe if hard work.

Hello!

It may be hard to believe when you are surounded by horror stories, but I promise, not every one has a bad experience! I had my first in Feb, managed with just G and A, and felt like I could conquor the wprld afterwards It was actually really empowering!

I'd second fiolondons recommendation of Ina May Gaskin's books (Guide to childbirth and Spiritual Midwifery) but for a sligtly different reason (althought the general info and pain coping techniques are fantastic). Thay are full of posative birth stories. The media and our beloved family do so love to go on about the pain and gore and what not, bla bla bla. Ina Mays books have stories that can help you understand that you CAN do this. That your body knows what to do and it will be ok!

Two provisos. One. She is all about natural birth, so just pick and choose the bits that suit you. Two. SOme of the stories are a bit dated and hippytastic, but if you can get past that you'll see that it isn't all bad. If it appeals you may enjoy Childbirth Ffom Within (can't remember the author sorry, just google if you think you'd like it) which contains lots of creative ways to understand your ishooos and then tackle them.

Good luck (you can do it!)

It really is normal to be scared!!

Is there any way you can sign up for some antenatal classes? I did the NCT ones, and they did really help me prepare. I was pretty scared beforehand, I can tell you.

The best way to keep things going smoothly through labour and delivery is to try to stay relaxed. Now obviously, that is a hell of a lot easier said than done!! But you're taught various different ways to keep and stay calm, ways of reacting to and dealing with the pain, signs that you're beginning to tense up, and how not to do that, and do other things to make you calmer again.

You also have to trust your body to know what to do. You may find that you really go into yourself during labour - you end up blocking so much out, as your entire body is so focused on what you're doing.

And also remember that each contraction is pushing your baby that bit further along the birth canal. What I mean is that you're not having the pains just for the sake of it - each contraction is one less that you have to experience and go through before your baby arrives.

I haven't tried hypno-birthing myself, but lots of people swear by it.

Definitely do some hypnobirthing classes - they definitely helped me last time, (ended up having an emergency c-section anyway), and am doing it again this time as the old fears are creeping back in.

It is normal to be scared of something you've never experienced and dont understand - so get enlightened and deal with that fear. Try reading "Childbirth without Fear" and some other Ina May Gaskin books - hypnobirthing is a great idea (helps you learn fear reducing techniques) and you'll be fine.

I'm with Chynah on this one. Also petrified and honestly don't think I could ever do it. Have also managed to get a CS booked on the NHS.

pjen birth really can be a positive experience. Not everyone has a horrific labour! My labour with DS was fine. When the contractions first got going I started getting panicky withe the pain and tensing up. Thankfully my mum was on the phone with me and talked me through taking deep, slow breaths to calm down. It's amazing how much that one simple thing reduces the pain! Just relaxing a bit and breathing deeply makes it much less painful.
dancing in labour this is a video of a rl friend of mine in labour with her first. He was born at home in water, and so was his new little sister. No problems.

If you think you are actually phobic about giving birth, ask to see your consultant who might refer you for counselling or offer you an elective section.

Otherwise, I absolutely second the Hypnobirthing. I also found the name and the course a bit cringe but it completely took my fear of giving birth away- and I was petrified beforehand. It made a massive difference to how I managed with my 1st labour and anyway I think it's worth it just so you don't spend your entire pregnancy dreading the big day.

You should definately ignore any horror stories people kindly share with you- focus on reading positive stories. I just read 'Waterbirth' by Janet Balaskas and 'The New Experience of Childbirth' by Sheila Kitzinger and am thinking 'bring it on!'

Am pg with my 2nd btw and despite having a long, tricky labour with my 1st am looking forwards to having this one. That's the power of brainwashing hypnobirthing .

Hope you're feeling more positive about it soon

I'm with notnowbernard I'm hating being pregnant so much that I am actually looking forward to the labour part because it means I won't be pregnant anymore.

Find a quiet corner, and write your birth plan. The MW who delivered my 1st stuck to it like glue, but there was no way I could articulate it all at the time. Wrie EPIDURAL in big red letters on it.

Sometimes (as I found to my cost ) The nack to getting the epidural is to arrive in plenty of time. Make your feelings clear as soon as you arrive and hopefully it will filter through to the anaesthetist that one is required soon. Hope that makes sense.

You dont hear of the pleasant births, just the nasties. My 1st was lovely, minimal pain, lovely atmosphere, lots of support, it was the happiest day of my life and I could have done it again and again. Might have been a bit euphoric on drugs but who cares

I am due with 3rd in 7 weeks and am secretly crapping it. Even though I know a bit about what its like. They are all so different, its the fear of the unknown. Another thing is that you dont know when it is going to happen. There is no date to get geared up to, just got to wait for a sign.

Wow. Didn't get time to check back on MN and found your advices so lovely. I am really considering hypnobirth classes after reading your posts here. Today my best friend gave birth at week 30 and I just came back from hospital. She had a short 4 hour labour and the baby is tiny but she said the pain was overwhelming. I guess it was fresh in her mind as most mothers forget the pain after couple of weeks. So it wasn't a big help but I kind of started thinking that she looked better than what I expected. I need to read more real life positive stories and get councelling if offered. I can't go through it like this. MN and you guys are such a big help though. Hugs and thanks

Pjen. Just a quick one to say that although your friends experience of pain was "overwhelming" she is still fine! It may hurt but it does end! Also i'm not sure that her baby being tiny would make much difference as to how she experienced contractions, which make up most of the labour. So i'm speculating that having a term, or large baby may not make labour more painful

Your plan sounds like a sound one to me. Good luck!

Pjen I feel your fear - it's VERY normal - there are very few women who get pregnant just to go through labour.... mostly labour is a side effect of something lovely they want to happen - having a baby. I don't avoid wine so I avoid the hangover - I accept that for the most part one leads to the other....

A few comforting thoughts which helped me...

You come from a VERY long line of women who have all successfully given birth to women who have given birth to women who have given birth etc Most of them will have done so without any medical intervention - we are bloody lucky...

Your brain is made up of two parts the 'rational' part and the 'animal' part. the rational part is the bit that is afraid of labour - the animal part is the bit that will just get on and do it.

Try and decide exactly what it is you are afraid of... for me it was the loss of control. I mentioned this to a friend once and she said something that stuck with me - that it's a great opportunity to properly lose control - to swear like a sailor, bellow like a monster and terrify the hell out of your partner - I managed to grab my DH's love handles so hard that he bled during one of my contractions - it really helped me though.... And the shouting/swearing is great fun and actually helps - it is a wonderful release of pent up stress - not a scream of pain. For me an epidural/c-section would be the worst thing as you lose control of the situation - that was a big fear for me.

It sounds like for you the fear is the pain... try and do a list of things that you think will hurt more and less than labour - a scale if you will. Try and think of strategies that will help you at each step up your scale.

The other novel thing about labour pain is that as soon as your baby is out it goes - it doesn't fade away - it stops with a big happy rush of hormones...

Someone on here recently posted that they were afraid of labour pain because they didn't think they could handle it. I think in the end she used hypno birthing and Gas and Air and came back absolutey buzzing about how she did handle it and it wasn't as bad as she thought.

I second/third peoples suggestions for the Ina May Gaskin books - The birth stories are written in sightly dated language but they are wonderful and remind you that the vast majority of births aren't newsworthy horror-fests at all!

Sorry lots of rambling points here - hope some of it is useful and that you have a joyous birth (however it happens) and a wonderful time as a mum...

Another vote for Ina May Gaskin here - I had an elective section with my first 3 years ago, due to positioning. I really, really don't want to go through that again, especially now I have a wee one already on the go. I know with a vaginal birth the pain will be gone soon after birth (and my belly might look a bit less like it's been through a mangle!), whereas the section recovery was slow and miserable.

Ina May Gaskin writes in a very spiritual, hippyish way - I found it hard initially to read a book which wasn't medically termed. But I've come to realise that until just a few years ago we women managed childbirth fairly successfully without any medical intervention at all. And despite my scientific background I have to say her Guide to Childbirth book is excellent and has given me great positivity - my body can do this, it's designed to do this, and the ideas I've got in my head of wailing and howling and gore and agony are fresh from TV and not representative of what childbirth ought to be.

Good luck, and hopefully in a couple of months time I'll be here telling you about how it's not that bad at all!

Why don't you go and see some animals being born?
Having lived on a farm most my life I indeed thought giving birth wouldn't be much different to the cows dropping their calves.A few loud groans and out it all comes.
Obviously the being in a hospital wasn't the same as a nice straw filled barn and in fact cows must have a way higher pain threshold than I did... but it was in my mind that it's natural not some trial.

Go in thinking it'll be horrid and you'll be surprised thats it's not how you imagine.
People do have more than one and in countries that have NO pain relief!