8 months pregnant, father left me at 12 weeks then came back with a new girlfriend in tow, what to do? Help, advice please!

[LittleBeth53]

Hi everybody. Hope everybody is well. I could do with some advice if anybody has any.

So I'm nearly 8 months pregnant with my first baby. The father left me immediately upon finding out I was pregnant & stayed gone for months, he only came back a few weeks ago.

That on it's own was difficult & confusing. I agreed to meet with him & talk, to try & get some kind of relationship back on track for the sake of the baby & sort things out, only now, a few days ago I found out he's gotten back together with an ex he had before he was with me & he's been back with her the whole time! So every nice meeting we've had, every little hand hold & cuddle & kiss we had while we were trying to patch things up & every little shopping trip to pick baby things, that WHOLE time there was this other girl sat waiting for him to get home! He never even told me himself he was back with her, I found out on facebook!

I felt totally, massively duped! Like he had said whatever he had to to charm his way back into my life & he was tricking me or something into thinking that we were getting somewhere, biding his time until my little boy is born. I called him up on it & of course he claims he didn't tell me coz he didn't want to hurt me, that he never planned to get back with his ex, it "just happened" & he still wants to meet up, make friends & raise my baby with me.

But then a couple of days later, I start getting emails off this other girlfriend, 8 emails in total telling me that I "have to" forget the past, that I need to "pull my act together" & just let the guy be involved, that I'm not thinking about whats best for my baby because if I was, I'd let the baby's dad be actively involved & that I'M the one who has made this situation far worse than it needs to be. After the 8th one I politely & firmly sent her an email back asking her to please mind her business as my baby is between me & the father. I asked her not to patronise in instructing me on how to handle this situation when I don't know her & I've never met her & to please stop emailing me.

She flipped out! She called me a "spoilt, selfish, patronising, self involved little brat," she said that she "feels sorry for R in having to have a baby with me for the rest of his life as I'm a total user who's done nothing but use him," and that I "never meant anything to him, she's always been the one whilst I was never even a blip on his radar."

I don't know what to do. I'm totally heartbroken. I don't want him anywhere near me because it's too hard. It hurts. A lot. He wants to be at the birth & I just keep imagining the scenario where afterwards, he goes off to celebrate 'couples style' with this other woman while I'm still being stitched back up. I never ever thought that I'd be in this situation, I genuinely thought that me & him were making head way into getting back together but now I'm facing a 'step mum' situation before I've even had my baby. And it's not even as though she's a nice girl!

He claims he still cares & that he had no idea that she had sent those emails. But he wasn't even bothered that she said such horrible unprovoked things to the mother of his child, all he had to say was, "she was just trying to support me I suppose" & now I feel like for the rest of the time that they're together, I'm going to be facing this full fronatal, tag team attack between the two of them, one emailing me constantly going, "he loves me & not you, ner ner na ner ner," like a child & the other one texting my phone constantly about how much he still cares about me when clearly he doesn't.

I've begged him to just please think about disappearing again as it would honestly be best for me, for this other girl, for him, even for my baby but he won't. He won't go. And I don't know what to do. I badly want the pair of them to leave & never come back & I desperately want to raise my baby alone & to not go anywhere near either of them & I really really don't know what to do.

Please help!
Advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for reading - Beth.

Honestly sweetheart you're better off without him.

You don't have yo have him there when your baby is born, you need someone you trust and are comfortable with. Ask a good friend or your mum to be there are font even involve your ex untill the baby is safely in your arms and you've had sometime to get to know him.

Your ex should have treated you a bit better if expects to be fully involved. He can't behave like a twat and still expect everything to fall into his lap. He's treated you like dirt, he doesn't deserve to to be with you in labour, it's a special time and you deserve to have it your way. Keep him and his gobshite girlfriend well out of the equation untill your comfortable with it.

"He won't go. And I don't know what to do. I badly want the pair of them to leave & never come back & I desperately want to raise my baby alone & to not go anywhere near either of them & I really really don't know what to do."
What you need to do is say you are absolutely serious about ending it and you will not tolerate him in your life any more, get caller identification for your phone if you don't already have it, and then not reply to his e-mails or phone calls, ever, no matter how rude they are, or how tempting it may be to set things straight or get involved in a back and forth with him ever again. And don't reply to his psycho gf's efforts to contact you either. My guess is he got her to write all those e-mails anyhow. They both sound seriously deluded and just Trouble for you if you admit him (and his camp followers) back into your life.

I notice you haven't mentioned him saying anything about paying any kind of child support, so obviously he is only interested in the sort of parenting relationship money can't buy... If he offers, refuse, btw, if you can manage on your own.

If he persists after you have made this clear, you may be able to get a restraining order of some kind, depending on the nature of any further contact he tries, if he threatens you or if he bothers you excessively (more than a reasonable number of texts or calls per day for instance). The order could also be used to keep him out of the hospital.

Tell your Midwife or Doctor that he is not to be admitted for the birth and that you must have their assurance he will not be allowed near you.

Tell him he is more than welcome to come and see the baby when he is born but that you need to have someone in the delivery room you can trust. That clearly is not him. Save all the e-mails that his silly gf is sending you so that you have evidence if she continues to harass you. If you want your baby to have contact with his df then you should try and sort it through a solicitor if you think that his gf will cause problems. If you're breastfeeding the baby he can't go for long anyway, can he?

I hope things work out for you and send you best wishes for the birth. [hug]

If he has any contact with baby it needs to be on YOUR terms. Be firm. Don't let them bully you. He showed his true colours at 12 weeks.

GF sounds like she is being eaten alive with jealousy (the man she loves is having a baby with another woman...). You do not need to have any contact with her.

Good luck - stay strong!

please please be strong you are about to become a mum which is one of the most important things you will ever do in your life!! i too have been on my own got back with my ex and now due our 2nd baby in oct however we do not live together as i feel stronger on my own all of this is on my terms and feel better for it. all i am trying to say honey is you can do it do not let yourself get used as your baby needs you more than that waste of oxygen!! as for her she is simply eaten up with jealousy so in a way feel sorry for the bint!!!!! head up high girl!!!!!! wait for someone who truly deserves you and your baby x x x

Can you say:

He won't be there at the birth.

You will tell him when the baby is born (if you think that's the right thing to do).

You will get in contact with him when you have got settled with the baby.

Leave it all very open ended but make it quite clear that you are in control.

And please do not let him come with you to register the birth and go on the certificate. It gives him all sorts of automatic rights which might be better to be handed over later when you see if he actually does all these things he promises.

Def. find someone else for the birth... he has no rights here and you need to feel safe and cared for.

ditch him, i was left like that, and had my mum at the birth, you and baby can do so much better, it might be hard at first but you get your mojo back, let him have visiting rights, but not with the girlfriend there, introduce her later down the line xx if he doesnt step up to the mark, get rid. Dont be a fool and enter him on birth certificate for a while, thats a big mistake. xxx take care and good luck

Oh yes, remember about the birth certificate. If you enter his name on the birth certificate he will have automatic parental responsibility. Otherwise, if he wishes to obtain it, he will have to apply to the court for a Parental Responsibility Order. I'd let him go to the trouble of doing that rather than make life easy on him. Good luck.

Iirc you can't put someone's name on the birth certificate unless you are married to them or they attend the registry office with you. Caused a lot of difficulty and awkwardness as ds's father behaved similarly to your exp.

The thought of being a single parent is daunting but easier than having someone who may drift in and out of your child's life leaving you to do the explaining and picking up the pieces.

Hi Beth sweetheart! I think if you stand strong and throw him out of your life in a way that he can't reach you, there is a chance that he wakes up or leave for ever! Do it for your sake and for baby's sake!

Beth, I don't have any more advice for you - I think that the people who have answered this thread are clearly very wise. But I did want to tell you that my heart goes out to you, and that I hope you have support in R/L as well as here on mumsnet. Perhaps you could find some Bumps and Babes coffee mornings near you, so that you could make friends with other women who are pregnant/have small children.

You sound like a lovely, intelligent and funny person, and you are going to be a great mother - your baby is lucky to have you! I'm also sure that whatever you decide will be best for your baby, and you will give your baby the best life.

{{hugs}}

You're definately better off without him! I know the thought of being a single mum is probably quite scary, but it'll be far better for your little boy than to have a spineless coward of a dad around. I'm sure you wouldn't want him to grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat women! Make it clear if he has anything to do with the baby it's on your terms and has nothing to do with his GF.

I am outraged by the way this man and his 'gfriend' think they can order you about and make decisions for you - he had his chance with you, he is jointly responsible for creating this child and is presumeably an adult yet he has denied both you and the baby and now comes back expecting to call the shots! My blood is boiling!

I definitely think you need to keep them at arms length until you are not emotionally confused and hurt by him and have all those pregancy hormones pumping around your body making it all worse.

I would completely ignore her - she has no say or business in this matter.

I would not meet him in person for now but just communicate if necessary by email/letter.

He would definitely not be at the birth - he hasnt earnt the right - imagine if she turns up with him!!

I have to wonder at this woman - it is unikely I would get together with a man who did this to another woman and if for some reason I was with a man who was having a child with someone else I certainly would not expect a seat at the table and abuse the woman if she didnt agree with everything I said!

no to being at the birth
no to being on the birth certificate
no to shared custody or full access
no to having the child out of your sight
not to her having any access - can you imagine him taking a small baby to his place and having some mad strange woman caring for your child - I would never allow it!

I'd be tempted to tell him I'd made a mistake and the baby wasnt his - eg found out wrong blood grp or something!

I am in a very similar situation 35 weeks to a bloke (I call him the sperm donor) who is not worth the air he breathes. He will not be at the birth nor will he be named as father on birth certificate, if he wants to be involved he will have to go out of his way to do so and I don't believe he will be bothered. He also has a new gf but she has not bothered me.... not sure she even knows tbh.

In my opinion you need to cut all communication with him and his gf until you feel you are strong enough emotionally to handle it, and you do not have to have him at the birth. I personally don't want SD there because he has not earned the right to be, his behaviour has been atrocious and it's a special and challenging time for the mum as well as a time when you will be overwhelmed with emotion, vunerable and not able to be objective.

I got back in touch after several months of ignoring him when I had early contractions at 31 weeks and thought the baby was on the way. Since he has not even bothered to see how I am or if everything is ok. I know my life will be a lot easier without him in it and the baby will not have to deal with a dad who is there one minute and gone the next. No great loss.

And as for the gf........what a writhing mass of envy she must be! It's not her place to have any say in your decisions regarding your baby. Ignore her, chances are she'll go away.

Be strong, you can do it on your own if thats what you choose, and if he is involved, make sure it's on your terms!

Thanks everybody so much for the lovely & supportive messages.

It makes you feel a little bit stronger hearing nice words so thank you all so much. x x x