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Original poster

Unwanted advice- is this normal?!

23 replies

CheeseChomper · 18/07/2010 16:16

I'm 11 + 5, and me and DP have told probably more people than we wanted to at this stage that i'm expecting, but the majority are close friends so we feel okay with it.

However, I have already recieved a plethora of 'well meaning' advice from people, and some of it is making me feel confused and upset and rather defensive

Opinions so far have been on the following:

  • "Ooooh, I don't think you should have tests for DS at your 12 week scan, I know I wouldn't..."
  • "You're going to find out the sex of the baby? WHY?!!!" Followed by massive rant about why they wouldn't.
  • "Considering a home birth? Surely not for your first? Hospital's much safer for first..."
  • "So are you going back to work? (I then say that i'm planning on going back for at least 6 months part time as if I don't I have to repay company maternity leave, then i'll see how I feel). WHAT? You might stop work?!! Don't you want to use your BRAIN?!!! ARE YOU NOT LIKING YOUR JOB?! DON'T YOU WANT A CAREER??!!! What a waste of your degree!" Queue me mumbling that i'm not 100% either way as it's still early days, but still feel having to justify my actions.
  • "XXX name? Yuck, I hate that name, reminds me of a nutter i used to work with at the hospital"

And so on and so forth...

It make mine and dp friends seem like arseholes, but they're not normally I promise! Why is it that people feel the need to comment on all our decisions/ possible decisions?! Is this normal?! Should I just keep my mouth shut from now on?! I wouldn't mind if I actually had asked for opinions,but I haven't!

Hard when people actually ask you questions directly though....

Anyone else experienced/experiencing mass interrogation?!

OP posts:
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upahill · 18/07/2010 16:18

Perfectly normal. Get used to it!!

Needaname · 18/07/2010 16:21

Look out for the useful advice and learn to smile and ignore the rest. Most of it is about people justifying their own actions.

ConnorTraceptive · 18/07/2010 16:22

It's just preparation for the unending, unsolicited advice you will receive as a parent.

Now practice with me

LarryAdler · 18/07/2010 17:34

Yeah, what everyone else said...I think some of the stupidest and rudest things people have ever said to be me been in relation to me being pregnant. However, you do have special dispensation to be rude back.....

cardamomginger · 18/07/2010 17:45

I decided very early on after a few experiences along the lines of the ones you describe that there are several things I talk about with a VERY select few individuals only (as well as everyone on Mumsnet!):

  1. Birth plan
  2. How I intend to feed
  3. The things about pregnancy that I am finding difficult
Otherwise you get criticism for your decision, told that what you would like to do will never work, or get a bucketful of horror stories. And it can all come from the most unexpected of sources and in response to the most innocuous of subjects. I was at a friend's for lunch yesterday and casually mentioned that I wouldn't be having the smoked salmon starter because I'm not eating smoked salmon during pregnancy. Got a whole load of very negative aggro back - why, it doesn't make sense, don't understand, it never did me any harm, etc, etc. Was quite surprised given that one of the women having a go at me is a GP and the other is a dietician....
Original poster
CheeseChomper · 18/07/2010 18:23

Thanks all for your feedback - glad to know it's not just me then!

I think I will do the whole smile and nod thing and try and keep my trap shut as much as possible!

Cardamomginger - I know what you mean with the negative agro you get for your choices. I don't know why people feel the need to bother saying something that shouldn't be a big deal to them anyway i.e. your smoked salmon incident- it's not bloody well anything to do with them, so they should pipe down! I think it's like Needaname said, that people do things to justify their own actions and feelings. There must be loads of really insecure people out there!

OP posts:
cardamomginger · 18/07/2010 18:59

Yeah - mostly it is about them and not about you. Although sometimes it's hard to remember that when you may be feeling anxious and uncertain and it's all new and never mind about all the hormones playing havoc with your emotions!

KristinaM · 18/07/2010 19:01

what connor said

StephieM · 18/07/2010 19:06

Tell em to mind their own beeswax!! This is YOUR pregnancy not theres. I had something similar but instead of other women telling me how great it all is, I had them telling me about all the bad experiences they had!! Miscarriages the lot....nowt as strange as folk

AhickeyfromKenickie · 18/07/2010 19:30

This is why they should put a pair of ear plugs in the Bounty bag! The second you announce your pregnancy, the "experts" come crawling out of the woodwork! I have had another mother try to convince me drinking a pint of Guinness a day will cure my anemia I used to politely smile and try and change the subject, now I'm ballsy enough to say "what a load of crap, I'll stick to my midwife's advice if it's all the same to you"

xphantomflanflingerx · 18/07/2010 20:02

yep...you'll get used to the people who can't help giving you their 'well meaning' advice! plus the complete strangers in a few weeks who will give you unwanted advice on how huge/small your bump is.Then there are the ones that think it's ok to pat/stroke or grab your bump just because you are pregnant! It's annoying but in the end you get used to it,smile, grit your teeth and wait for the next unhelpful well meaning comment!

preghead · 18/07/2010 20:05

Sadly, yes. Use what is helpful (if any), ignore all the rest. Don't discuss your name choice with anyone but your partner until you announce it after the birth.

That about sums up what I have learnt over 3 pregnacies!

jjkm · 18/07/2010 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shaz10 · 18/07/2010 21:51

The 'best' piece of advice I got told was when I mentioned that I had a low placenta and might need a section:

"Oh you don't want that, you can't drive for 6 weeks".
My very polite answer was "well I might refuse it then, not being able to drive is much worse than bleeding to death, isn't it?"

Stoopid woman.

Shaz10 · 18/07/2010 21:53

I too had lots of plans of many children/part time work/etc etc too. If you want to get depressed you can read my thread in Relationships. But suffice to say that plans we make may sometimes have to change...

Fibilou · 18/07/2010 21:54

It will only get worse once the baby is here, may as well get used to it.

LolaKnickers · 19/07/2010 13:52

Inevitably, the advice is wrong, or at least not suited to your circumstances - like shaz10 sais with the low lying placenta example.

A lot of the time, the "advice" is on polarising topics e.g. BF vs FF, to have the nuchal scan or not, CS or not, etc etc People feel the need to vindicate their own choices. Just smile and ignore.

As for names, I would keep your mouth entirely shut. To be honest, I'm considering witholding my shortlist from my husband to avoid his opinion being "contaminated" by well-meaning thoughts, particularly coming from the direction of his mother.

BalloonSlayer · 19/07/2010 14:06

Perfectly normal - and yes very annoying - but are they really interrogating you?

If they are asking "are you going to have tests for Down's Syndrome at the 12 week scan?" and you mutter yes and they then say "Ooooh, I don't think you should have tests for DS at your 12 week scan, I know I wouldn't..." then they are being rude.

But if you have been talking quite a lot about your forthcoming scan and one of the things you have said is that you are going to have tests, then they have to say something. And that's what they choose to say. It's kind of conversation.

Fizzywinelover · 19/07/2010 14:09

Normal, normal. I have just started a thread in chat too about how the criticisms still come when the baby is here.

Some choice pieces of advice I got when pregnant was that I ought to have a caesarian, as then [my fanjo] would still be in good shape for DH afterwards and that I should eat lots of bread, because then I could drink whatever I wanted (from a permanently tipsy friend).

Yes, people feel the need to validate their own choices.

Plus, people comment all the time when they are not giving advice. There was a thread started months back when I was first pg that had people venting about unwanted comments.... i will see if I can find it.

PaulineCampbellJones · 19/07/2010 14:14

Very normal. You are now public property and any aspect of you or your baby is now fair game to everyone. And you will be asked if you are having another before your fanjo is half stitched!

Fizzywinelover · 19/07/2010 14:14

I should add I used to be MPuppykin. [shameless publicity for my own thread alert].

Palace39 · 19/07/2010 15:44

Perfectly normal, as far as i can tell. My husband and i are no longer divulging our shortlist of names, especially as any that are included as a result of my suggesting them are greeted with a 'face' from MIL. She has also announced that she 'does not like to see people using dummies, children should suck their thumbs instead'. I'm actually not sure how i have refrained from pointing out yet that the last time she was anywhere near a baby was 34 years ago with my husband and things do change. All this and i still have 4 weeks to wait before baby appears...

People are great aren't they?

I would welcome advice if it was 'advice' and not 'opinion'....

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