In Turmoil

[TerriB]

I just don't know what to do. I think I am pregnant (about 6.5 weeks since last period, feeling sick etc.,). I am on the mini-pill, but have heard that it isn't the greatest form of contraceptive. The thing is I already have 2 children and dh DOESN'T want any more children. I have always said I wouldn't mind another one. I am terrified that dh will think I did this deliberately (I didn't - in fact I am bloody terrified.) I know I must tell him soon, but I am so scared of his reaction. I am crying as I type this. What should I do?!

TerriB, Please try not to worry. I had exactly the same as you a few weeks ago (see the thread under pregnancy "can this be happening". I got loads of good advice here and when I did tell my dp the reaction I got was positive (I had convinced myself it wouldn't be).

The other point to make is if he so sure he didn't want anymore children while you were not, he could have insured his position by having a vasectomy. My dp didn't want anymore but my point when he asked me about steralisation after ds was that I did want more children, even if he didn't, and that I wanted to keep my options open should the worse happen and he A) passed away or B) we split up. I know it sounds horrid but there it is.
Have you done a test yet?

don't know how that smiley got there!

No, haven't done a test yet, nearly bought one the other day, but chickened out, as I don't think I really wanted to know!! The trouble is my sister told me that the other day when he was holding her baby, she said, 'Does it make you want to have anymore?', he said 'No, I don't, we are just getting our life back now the children are a bit older, and I never want to go back to sleepless nights and nappies again'. Please don't all have a go at me, but I am seriously thinking of having a termination and not telling him, but then I think, it is his child too, he has a right to know. I am just soooooooo confused.

Oh TerriB, I am so sorry you are so upset. Have you tested yet as Spikeycat says? Or do you just know? It's a tough one but in itself your reaction and the way you tell him will determine if he feels you did it on purpose. Heshould know you well enough to trust that this was not planned. I think most males know that even the pill is not 100% and he could have had a vasectomy if he felt adamant that this was not a position he could tolerate. Having said that, he may surprise you. If he doesn't want this baby then that is a decision you would need to discuss between you. Do you want this baby?? How old are your first 2? He may react differently at first to how he ACTUALLY feels a little later. I don't thinkI have said anything particularly useful but have a little faith in him at first to get it round in his head. Please don't be scared of him - he's your husband and you have done this together and should discuss this together and what outcome you will take.
Lots of love and take carexxx

I wouldn't have a go at you for thinking of having a termination, but I do think you should should tell him. Not only because his reation may be different to that your expecting but also because you really will need his support if thats the decision you come to together.

Do you want a termination or would you be having one because he wants one. This could make you resent him long term?

My advice would be to do a test, so you know, then tell him you are worried you might be and ask if he thinks you should do a test, he'll more than likely say yes, then do a test together so you discover it "together" rather than you having to break what he may consider bad news and blaming you for it.

Where are you in the country, I'm in the south east if you need to talk.

Just read you next post.
Please don't terminate without him knowing, do you really think that's all he's worth? He needs to have the opportunity to say what he feels. Yes it is your body but it would come out at a later date and he would probably be more angryyou kept it from him, could even trigger resentment that you did this so easily without him in his eyes, anyway.
Is this the only thing going agiainst him that he told someone else he didn't want to have any more? Or has he made clear to you?
It's really hard now to know what to do cos you probably want to ask HIM what to do! Decide together and then any repercussions or feeling afetrwards are the result of a joint decision and can be dealt with together not all on your own!

Great advice Spikey cat. In fact terri. Don't test without him. Get him on your side and let him feel your concern, he couldn't possible be angry then. Do the test together after telling him you think u might be. At that stage he gets used to a might and then if necessary a positive. That way it's a littrle slower and he may tolerate it a little better and you do it together. It is then up to the two of you to make that decision and then you deal with it together. Hope we've given some help!

Hi Terri

Whatever you do dont have a termination without talking this over with your husband first otherwise it could end up being something that you bitterly regret. At the end of the day if he was that adamant that he didnt want children he could have had the snip. You may find that his attitude will change once he realises that you are pregnant and also how worried you are about it. Be honest and open with him and work through this together. Good luck and take care.

Terri, you haven't talked properly about having another child. You are assuming his state of mind will be negative purely from his responses to other people. How would you feel if you had a termination then he started talking about how he wouldn't mind a third child?

Sorry to sound harsh and I appreciate you are confused right now but as you are only on the mini pill then you both have to accept you might get pregnant. That is life.

Please do a test and then tell him as soon as possible. You can then decide what to do after talking it over. Good luck X E

Thanks for all your advice. I do know that my dh seriously doesn't want another baby, for lots of reasons, money, space, the fact that I had pnd quite badly after last baby. I have decided to tell him that I think I am pregnant and do a test together as you say, it might be a gentler way of breaking it to him. I have always been quite 'anti' termination, but if it is something he suggests I will consider it. Spikeycat, I am in the South East too, whereabouts are you, it would be lovely to have someone to talk to.

near guildford, is that anywhere near you? Go to the top and contact another talker if you want to mail me.

TerriB, do talk to Spikey cat, she's not as SPIKEY as her name suggests!! Glad u decided to do the test together. PLEASE don't take a termination as being the only way. It will almost certainly have an effect on the both you and possibly in different ways, but whatever you do, take the decision together and don't be influenced, say what YOU want first and see if he's prepared to accept that. Good luck though xxx

TerriB - please have a look at this . It's a site all about unplanned pregnancies and the choices that you are faced with. It gives information on each choice and personal accounts from women who have been there.

Even if you think you have made your mind up, do consider each choice carefully, they may throw up points that you hadn't thought about.

One thing that I would say to you is this; you never ever regret having a child, but you may well regret having a termination. Be sure about your decision, don't do anything to please anyone else, they don't have to live with the consequences of that decision, you do. This is YOUR choice, so please do think carefully. There are links on the site I mentioned where you can get some unbiased counselling to help you consider everything, I would recommend it. Sometimes you need to talk to someone removed from the situation, to give you an unbiased opinion and help to clear your mind.

Good luck.

Rhubarb, that is such a good website. Well done for finding it. I'm sure it will put things into perspective a little for Terry. It might just be a starting point to sort out exactly what YOU want.

quackers- she'll be toomodest to poit it out, but the brilliant Rhubarb didn't find the site - she created it.

Once again, thank you everyone who has responded. Well, I told dh and he was wonderful!! Totally calm, and reasonable and accepting of the situation. Now I know why I married him!!! So, no more talk of termination (thank god), we've just got to get our heads around the situation and adapt!!

Awww that fantastic and I'm so glad you're not worrying anymore.

Terri Im glad that things turned out ok for you. Good luck and congratulations )

Rhubarb - have you seen the regretting having children thread? I think it's rare, but it does happen.

Terri, I'm completely delighted for you. Congratulations! (I'm supposing that test was positive?)

That is fantastic news!!! Didn't we say have a little faith in him!!! What wonderful news!! I'm really really pleased for you!! :0 :0 Go and enjoy being pg. When are you due?? If it's March, Im on that thread - come and join us!!!
Prufock - thanks, I didn;t kow. Rhubarb - you are amazing!!! I thought it was a truly neutral and well presented website that gave real experiences. WEll done. You will have helped many women I'm sure.

Ahhh, thanks all, I'm so grateful for all your support. I have done a test (clear blue) which was positive, but now the doctor wants me to have a hospital one to make sure. But I am sure I am as I feel so sick!! Will be joining you all in the 'Due in March 2004' thread anon!!!

Very pleased for you Terri! Men aren't that bad are they really?
Aloha - I'll have to take a look at that site!
Quackers and Prufrock, ta very much! It was very hard to do, but I'm glad I did!