grief in pregnancy

[LellieT]

Not sure whether to post here or in Health but thought I'd give it a go here first.

My dear FIL passed away last week following complications during an op. His funeral is next week.

I'm devastated at losing a great man but more acutely I feel heartbroken for my DH and his mum. I haven't a clue at how they must be feeling.

I'm nearly 7 months pregnant with our first child - FIL knew he was going to be a grandpa (was so proud) and it's so bloody sad he won't meet the little one.

My question is this please: can being sad harm my unborn child?
I don't feel stressed (for example I don't have a pounding heartbeat and I'm sleeping reasonably well). But now and then (every other day it seems) I break down and sob hard for ten mins or so; if I don't I think I'll explode and I find a good cry is a healthy release. People tell me to be strong and look after the baby and I think I am... I guess I'm worried my sadness might cause baby to be born premature or that when he/she is born they'll be a sad little baby?

Thanks ladies for any advice/reassurance.

I am sorry for your loss.

Your grief will not harm your baby, I promise you.

Crying is a normal activity when pregnant, I cried many many times while I was pregnant and my babies are fine.

I'm really sorry for your loss, and how sad that your FIL won't get to meet his little grandchild.

I know it's not the same at all, but I lost my dog (who was the classic baby replacement for me and was only 5 years old) when I was just 4 weeks pregnant, and I spent the next 3 months often terribly, terribly upset with the grief I felt at losing him. I too was really worried about the effect my grief and crying would have on my baby, like he would pick it up in my bloodstream or something! But I don't think it works like that. Anyway, my baby was just fine and is a very happy relaxed little chap.

I know that's not scientific at all, but hope it helps!

I'm sorry to hear about your father in law.

I was in a similar situation - my much-loved mother in law died very suddenly of a DVT when I was about as pregnant as you, with my daughter (now 3). My daughter was to be her first grandchild, she was the first person we told about the pregnancy and the most excited and supportive. She'd always made me feel very much part of the family; we were closer really than I am with my own mum. My husband was, naturally, totally shattered by her death, as was his dad, and like you I felt my role should primarily be a supportive one, which makes its own emotional demands on top of the grief I know you'll be feeling too.

My daughter he wasn't born prematurely - in fact she stayed atubbornly in situ for nearly 2 extra weeks until I was induced. Also, she is/has always been the cheeriest little soul I know. Please don't feel you have to "be strong" for your baby, you're trying hard enough to do that for your husband and mother in law. Let yourself cry and feel whatever you need to, when you need to.

The other thing is there was a sense that family and friends saw my pregnancy as being a sort of hopeful symbol of new life and renewal. Ad whilst I did too, in a way, it also felt like an extra responsibility that I wasn't really up to - so be prepared for that aspect too.

Sorry about your loss, but please don't worry about your baby. I am almost 38 weeks and during this pregnancy I have had to deal with one suicide and one murder (both children) in DP's family, DP having a breakdown and getting sectioned, and my ex stalking me for 6 months in really horrible scary ways. It's been like living in an episode of Eastenders for months! I think the important thing is to communicate with your baby and let him or her know that she will be loved and will be welcomed into the world. Don't feel guilty about your emotions, it's far better to let them out than bottle them up.

Your baby will be fine, especially as you aren't even getting worked up. I think crying is pretty normal in pregnancy - I burst into tears in a shop changing room yesterday when something didn't fit!

So sorry for your loss.

Just wanted to say thank you very much for taking the time to post your messages - they are all very much appreciated.

So sorry for your loss.

I just wanted to reassure you - my mother lost her first husband when she was six months pregnant with my sister. I can't even start to imagine the grief or stress she went through - but my sister is the most chilled, well balanced individual I have ever met. Annoyingly so at times!!

So please don't worry about expressing your grief - probably healthy that you don't try to surpress it.

I too am sorry for your loss.

I too lost my FIL whilst pregnant at 19 weeks (I'm now 29 wks). And he too, was a great man, who would have been a great granddad. It's so sad, I take comfort from knowing that he knew before he died he would be a granddad again. Like EmmaBemma, I was closer to him than my own father.

I think it sounds like you're dealing with your grief in a healthy way and crying is understandable, I cried a lot at first and my pregnancy has so far remained normal and healthy. On the day that I heard the news I went out to buy some baby booties, which helped me and I felt connected to my FIL - as you are - by carrying his grand-child.

Unfortunately, my SIL took her anger (unbeknown to me, she'd been building up for years) out on me around the funeral, that has had an impact and I've become more protective of myself as a result. Also, a lot of my friends asked after my partner naturally, but never assumed I would too have feelings/grief, that hurt.

I agree with EmmaBemma, that being supportive for partner whilst also grieving and also being pregnant can also take it's toll. Please don't worry about being sad or reaching out for support during this difficult, sad time - I wish you all the best.

It's so hard being sad whilst you're pregnant, it feels like every emotion is magnified anyway doesn't it. My dad was ill throughout my entire pregnancy and died 2 weeks (yes, 2 weeks ) before my ds was born. It was devastating and really took its toll on my early months with the baby too. However I'm happy to report that ds is famous with my family and friends for being the smiliest baby EVER! So definitely didn't do him any harm.

Don't bottle anything up yourself will you - that could lead to more stress which probably won't harm the baba but won't do you any favours at all.

All the best.

Bless you. Your baby will be fine - grief does not affect babies in utero.

Do not bottle things up though - cry as and when you need to and when you are feeling stronger put together a little collection of things to show your baby all about your FIL.

Take care. x

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.

Our dad died after a long battle with cancer 9 days before my sister had my niece last year. She had a c-section at 34weeks because she too had cancer & they needed to crack on with the nastier chemotherapy & radiotherapy. My niece is the happiest, smiliest little girl - she's running about so no longer a baby - I know. Little babies have a habit of reminding us of the circle of life & making things feel a bit better but I know that probably won't be a comfort just yet.