When will this end?

[Peronellesblush]

Ds is 4.2. I methodically carried out "Potty Training in a Week" at 2.8 and it seemed to work. Ds has never - not once - had a poo accident.

However, he's just never really been able to fully grasp weeing. He was fine for a long time - until about age 3. Then the problems started - wet pants/ trousers, what seemed like constant changes. He got better for a while, then regressed. I saw all his friends at nursery manage fine at 2.10, 3yrs, 3.5...I'd collect Ds and there would be the plastic bag with wet pants/ trousers in it to collect.

Same at home. Averages one accident a day. The thing is, just before he was 4, we finally thought he'd "got it", but now he's regressing again.

I have drawn up a reward chart where he gets a star if he's dry during the day and a star if he's dry during the night. He's had 1 star out of a possible 8 since Sunday.

Anything - advice, suggestions - would be more than welcome as DH & I are at the end of our proverbial tether.

Btw - both the nursery staff and the health visitor have reasoned that Ds has intense focus, above average concentration and attention span and does not like to be taken away when he is focussed on an activity. He does not like going to the toilet as he sees it as an interruption to his more important matters (lego, train set or whatever) Indeed, we recognise the same behaviour at home...

have you seen a gp to rule out any physical causes?

No advice I'm afraid, but I have noticed on the infrequent occasions DD has an accident it is always because she has become engrossed in something more interesting. Maybe you need to make the toilet a more interesting place? What about something like a 'Where's Wally?' poster on the wall?

Thisisyesterday: a friend of mine suggested this and I will make an appointment tomorrow. I doubt it is anything physical, but you are right in suggesting this should be ruled out, thank you.

Jaynie: another good point. One of my friends suggested ds doesn't like the toilet because most of the time he plays downstairs and the toilet is upstairs. I'll put a couple of his pictures up next to the toilet and see how that goes as well.

Only thing I can suggest is making him aware of the consequences of being wet - i.e,"oh dear, you are wet" (v matter of fact), now you will have to stop playing and go all the way to put your clothes in the washing machine, then go upstairs and get dressed into dry things then come down and mop up".

Thanks Tiggy. What's interesting about these "accidents" is that he never fully "wets himself" IYKWIM. He just can't seem to take himself to the toilet in time. We are never at the stage where it's dripping down his legs on the floor, but always with a big wet patch on the front of his trousers. Then, when this is pointed out to him, he goes.

It's just exhausting. The constant reminders, the feeling 'on edge' whenever we go out, having to bring multiple changes of clothes everywhere we go. He's 4 ! And I'm really worried about how he will do at school - starts in September and I'm desperate for him to be completely dry by then.

it could be as simple as a recurrent uti or something, that could explain the leakage rather than full-on wee

I had the "damp trousers" for what felt like years with my middle son - honestly I felt like I was potty training him most of my life, not just most of his life....I can't remember how/why it got better, but it did. All I can suggest (absent any physical problems of course) is, if he is jiggling - tell him to go and if he is wet, make him stop what he is doing until he is clean again. Frustrating I know. My middle boy took years - my youngest trained herself at 17 months...well I was due a break...

Thanks for sharing that tiggy!

Took ds to the GP today. Absolutely nothing wrong with him, so physical things, uti etc are ruled out. I think it really is down to his concentration/ focus on things as well as feeling like he'll "miss out" if he interrupts whatever he's doing to go. I'll persist with the chart. Have been very strict in not giving him a single treat unless he's dry during the day.

Really beginning to lose it with ds.

We've had the "star chart" now for almost 2 weeks and it's still just not sinking in. He's averaging 1 accident a day or night, but even still - he's 4 fgs.

Week 1: 5 out of a possible 14 stars.

Week 2: 5 out of a possible 11 stars.

What can I do? I've taken him to the GP - nothing wrong with him. I've tried every form of reward/ telling off/ constant reminders/ no reminders...

I am petrified that he'll go to school and this will happen, inconveniencing the teachers, not to mention the stick he'll get from other kids.

Please - has anyone got any more suggestions?

Now at my absolute wits end. Should I just put him back in nappies? I've had 3 "accidents" today - he's just peed all over the sofa.

I really have had it. Please - I really need some advice - anything!

You have my sympathy hon! We're going through the exact same thing with ds (3.5) He was initially 'trained' at 2.3 but we have a constant cycle of regression. He has no uti or anything, he simply gets so involved in things that he leaves it until the last minute. Triggers for us seem to be TV and trains. He's actually very good about using the toilet while we're out and rarely leaks. Around the house though he has just pants on and no trousers because I just can't cope with the trouser changes.

Out of curiousity, have you told him you're thinking of putting him back in nappies like a baby? It didn't work for us, but has had positive results for people I know. If you decide to go ahead with it I would make it proper nappies, not pull ups though.

What we've had to do is watch him and figure out what activities are more likely to trigger a leak and warn him before he starts that activity that if he leaks it's taken away for the rest of the day and he has to earn it back.

We're also being really obvious about our own toileting habits so he knows it's something that everyone does and it's 'normal'. Since we started doing that things have improved.

I hope things get better for you soon! It's really frustrating but I just keep hoping there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Hi Tarenath

Thanks for your support. I have indeed told ds that I'll put him back in nappies like a baby (and mentioned names of babies he knows who wear nappies. I've said, 'do you need a nappy like xxxxx?'

We've now done 2 clear weeks of the star chart. He got 5/14 in the first week and 7/14 in the second week. A little improvement. We're off on holiday later today, so I'm hoping it will be easier this week.

What's happening with your ds sounds very familiar. Especially TV and trains. Ds rarely watches tv, but when he does, he's transfixed. The sofa incident was due to 'Toy Story' and he'll often have an accident when playing with his train set.

Another mum advised me to focus the attention back on the issue being "his problem" and not ours as parents. I've been trying that the last couple of days and definitely feel less stressed about it.

Thanks again.

We have the same problem with ds2. I think that unless the child is emotionally engaged with toilet training, you're on a hiding to nothing, tbh. DS1 is the type who always wants to get things right and to be seen to be doing so, and he got it in about 3 days and never had accidents thereafter. DS2, otoh, is the exact opposite - he doesn't give a monkeys what people think about him peeing in his trousers, and so he pees in his trousers if he is busy with other things. We've been at it for a year now and we're still not there. He has phases when he'll be fine for a few weeks and then he starts again.

The main thing I find helps is not to get stressed about it myself. I have also become expert at seeing when he needs to go, so try to swoop before it happens. When he does have an accident, even if he's finished the wee, I make him go and sit on the toilet, so he can learn that his play will be interrupted regardless of whether he wets himself or does it in the toilet. I also point out that it actually takes longer to clean up than if he did it in the toilet in the first place. I console myself with the fact that he won't be doing this when he is 7 (inshallah...)