really need help form late potty training mums and please no nasty comments

[bumbly]

OK have posted a bit before on this and was accused by several mumsnet folk that i was totally incompetent basically because a 2 1/2- 2 3/4 year old back then was not potty trained

well one month to go to 3 and not potty trained

story

MIL had been secretly putting him on potty and then not telling me till i rang her and said he did pee pee on potty and she said oy yes he has been doing it with me! ok i thoguht ..leave it at that still not ideal as i should be teaching these things not mil..but little one sometimes sat and played on potty and peed and couple of times did poo

i was leaving it all to play by ear and letting my little one lead the way

one night MIL babysits and he poos a lot in nappy during sleep - they smell it i think and then mayhem

she screams at me when i return crying her eyes out saying lo has big psychological problem as not potty trained and angrily threateningly said i must train hin two weeks and etc etc and went tottaly bonkers on me

i was stunned ...i have no issue with lo pooing at night and don't know what potty training has to do with having a big poo at night

he also weed on my mil and i think because he was woken up and scare..never ever has happened wiht mne since was a newborn

i was told to ring health visitor and that this was a serious problem

i have no issue with potty training being late as mil and a lot of mumsnetters say

health visitor actually said i was being bullioed and laughed and said i was doing right thing to let little lead way

yes little one is now refusing to go in potty whereas was sometimes going before - only wants nappy

advice from mums who have had late potty trainers..how did you go about about it??

thanks for any advice

my ds attended a day nursery and they wanted to potty train him when he was just 2. I thought he was not ready but felt under pressure by them. The first day they tried it he had 4 accidents within the first 15 mins. I told them to put his nappy back on.

I then waited until I thought he was ready. I tried again when he was 3 yrs and 3 mths. He was brilliant, in the first week we only had one accident. It was a breeze.

Oh I forgot to say, I (and DS) found Dr Sear's potty book for kids really useful(it's called You can go to the potty). It's nice and reassuring.

No offence intended but your MIL is bonkers Bumbly

3 isnt that late, I believe its about average isnt it? Which means half before and half after.

My DS trained pretty quickly (although he has a different set of issues now around wetting -giggle micturition) but did a morning poo in his night nappy for ages and ages before he suddenly started asking for it to be off to use the toilet

*StealthPB I think others have answered, but yes feeling wet can help them learn, but if no progress after 5-6 days there is no shame at all in abondoning ship and trying again in 6 weeks or so

apologies for only skimming the OP... but i just wanted to post that ime (i had 3 under 3 and a slightly older step son too) if you back off and let them be long enough, they figure it out for themselves.
i never potty trained any of mine and yet, lo and behold, there is not a toilet related isshoo between them. and none of them got past nursery class without training themselves perfectly well as and when they decided to.

my advice? dont sweat it. at ALL. not worth the hassle. have you ever seen an NT secondary school kid in a nappy?? [flippant, but true]

Bumbly, feel really sorry for ds, sounds as if that massive scene your MIL created was very upsetting for him. And you, of course. She's barking.

My ds was 3 1/4 ish when he got interested in potty training - we'd shown him a potty and talked about it before but he'd never cared. Then we went round to a friend's house and her boy, six months older than mine, did a 'garden wee' on the bushes. Ds thought this was a fab idea and we built on it by introducing the potty. He didn't like the old fashioned ones but was very keen when we got the sort that's like a little seat. (He has long legs so I think the traditional ones just weren't very comfortable.)

Only problem after that was he was so taken with al fresco weeing it took a long time to persuade him it is only for little boys who are JUST learning or in absolute emergencies.

DS will be 4 in 2 weeks time and has just started weeing in the loo. He will not go near a potty and will only wee in our loo at home and only if I am there.

Poo? Don't even go there...

Five Go Mad... I do symapthise. It can kind of take over your mind and I'm so booooooring about it in RL. One half of me says "stop fussing, he'll get there" and the other half frets like an old hen.

When you posted that you had late potty training issues, Bumbly, I thought that your LO was 8 or 9 TBH.

3 isn't late by any stretch of the imagination - you are doing a great job, you need to be consistent and to focus on the process, not the result and to be kind and good humoured with it. Hold hands and walk with her from every part of the house to the bathroom, so she knows the way! Star charts and treats every week work a charm.

MIL sounds like she "had them all potty trained by one and a half" (her story) but in reality 3 like the rest of us before they were really dry.

There is a tendency of past generations to make a big deal of potty training - BUT those were the days of terry nappies and there was a HUGE investment in getting them out of nappies then (ie good parent didn't have to wash nappies) which simply is irrelevant now in this era of disposables.

Continue to do what you fell is right by your child and don't mind those who have their own issues.

Good luck - this is the breacher's brook of parenting in the early years - it's a big one at the time for sure, and takes a bit of effort to be diligent and consistent, but looking back, it wasn't too bad.

thanks DTG, that is what I've been asking everyone, (MIL etc) and never really got answered!

Sorry cheggers, I'm not on day 3 yet! I just meant how do you find 3 days where you're not really going anywhere? I don't think I could do it.

Oh I see what you mean now.

My DS spent a lot of time without pants on going in and out of the garden. I can't stay in the house for any length of time though, I HAVE to get out even if its just up to the shops so we didn't stay in any of the days we trained.

At the start I put him back in a nappy for trips out but it was pointless really and may have been confusing for him. I think you just have to go for it. Take plenty of changes (we stocked up on cheap trackie bottoms from Primark), make sure they go before you go out do short trips to start with to build up confidence and once you get somewhere (eg a cafe) take them straight to the loo. We went for a car ride of about half an hour the first weekend after trying and I took a potty and made him do a wee in the boot of the car (he thought it was quite funny).

Al fresco weeing is a winner with my DS! Unfortunately he also did an al fresco poo in our back garden one time, which didn't go down well with me

We only started to train DD 2.11.

She took to it quickly and easily, and very soon was using the potty with no prompts at all.

Her peers who started at just 2 had far, far more accidents, and are still on the whole being prompted to use the loo for the main part.

In terms of how we did it, we spent a few weeks preparing her with books, and choosing pants. We marked a date on the calendar with a big star, and told her this was big girl pants day. went cold turkey. chocolate bribes were invaluable, as were bigger treats for 5 days of clean pants all day.

The first 3-4 days were quite frankly rather hit and miss, but after that something seemed to click, and there have been so very few accidents since.

Stealth, I'm not sure you need 3 days of not going anywhere at all, but we did restrict ourselves to places where we knew accidents would be viewed in a more sympathetic light. So - toddler group with wipe-clean floor and plenty of potties around was in, fully carpeted library was out. We did also take DD for very short car journeys - 10 mins or so - but flexibly timed so we got in the car straight after she'd emptied her bladder. Luckily we ended up with no public accidents - she seems to prefer to save them for the (fully carpeted) home.

They are all so different.

Dd1 potty/toilet trained when she was 3.2 and it took about 2 days. Previous atempts had resulted in her throwing the potty across the room and saying, 'I don't need to learn to use a potty because I go in my nappy'....ok then! We went for a full on assault one weekend, armed with chocolate buttons etc.

Dd2 (3.2 now) took off her nappy when she was 2.8 and said she din't want to wear a nappy any more, and I would say we have just started to carck it now - it has been a long slog! She actually does better if she is not reminded, taken to the toilet every 20 minutes etc. When we tried that, she became very defiant.

TBH I just became very good at dealing with accidents (of which there could be 10 or more a day). Stocked up on tons of cheap pants and leggings, took loads of spares out with me and cleaning stuff for accidents, used a portable potty and tried to stay very calm (not always easy!). Oh and in the car, I put a washable nappy, an opened up disposable nappy and another folded up reusable on top for accidents.

Now we have a sticker chart, and she gets a sticker for a day when she tells me or dh when she needs to go - and she hasn't had an accident for 2 weeks - the only thing is she has started taking her nappy off at night now!

marking place to read later - DD 3 this week and refuses to go. She's physically capable of holding it in, but she seems scared of letting it go

Ds is 3.5 and we are still working on it. Drives me mad as I really don't understand what is going on with him. I wouldn't push it.

fwiw OP, I have no idea how to potty trian a child.
DD1 did it herself one day. I was refitting the kitchen with my mum so they had been blocked in the front room with the telly for safety. both in anppies. All of a sudden DD1 appeared witha fullpotty, and that was it, potty trained from then on. she was 2.10

DD2 is 2.7 and refuses to sit on the potty or the loo, flat out not going to happen, so I am not making her.

I agree that constantly reminding/asking children if they need the loo is not potty training, i never have to ask dd1, although I do tell her before a long journey, but that's different

hang on in there and leave it, he will when he is ready.

My dd1 was just under 3 when she came out of nappies and my dd2 is almost 3 and won't use a potty/toilet.

They are both very articulate children. 3 isn't late...

Even childen who looked reliable at 2.5 often aren't much further ahead at 3.5

Tell your mil to pee off; it's non of her business and your son sounds normal.

wow thank you all so much for all your tips which i am reading and keeping for future use

my main worry is now my little one knows something is a miss with my mil having a go at him to sit on potty etc...and me every so often saying (as a reuslt of my mil bullying) that if he wants to go to big playgroup (nursery) he will need to use the potty!

I fell in a complete mess as i am trying to give hints without pushing and then there is my mil forcing me to push!!!

and the whole potty vs toilet is baffling me

i think perhaps will leave him naked in garden/house and then after a while put pants...but yes as one poster said once start best not to put nappies back on as that may confuse

and i think as some posters have said - i really feel little one should know himself when urge to go is there

little one does tell me he is doing a poo and pee every time but will not comtemplate sitting on potty on own acord - only if i give a game/toy to play will he sit but then is not by his own accord from feeling urge to go

any more tips....argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and thanks again for all your help!!!!

update

given up really ...as so confused about it all and pissed off and went to a playgroup and some helpful mums said well looks like your lo is partly there

and since am so confused this afternoon put pants on

little one agreed it would be cooler than a full warm wet nappy..

wet himself with trickle pretty much instantly...then changed him....however had to shout as during changing shorts and pants he kept lungng at me and pulling my hair.....so bad start there...then he was sitting on potty with shorts on saying wee wee will go through clothes into potty..but think was using as an excuse for my attention then sat inside house on potty naked for an hour playing with toys with nothing coming out...back to playing in garden and last two days out of blue he gets tantrum with a certain garden toy..remove toy...remove him from garden and he wets his 2nd pants as i tell him off

since this afternoon not peed and refusing to go in potty

first pant wet trickle
2nd pant weed when told off
sat on potty with clothes
sat on potty naked - nothing

being put to bed by dad now and he will get his nappy on for night

so i guess i have bit the bullet and strated but for me what was meant to me an exciting new experience has been forced by mil to be an utter nightmare and totally at the wrong time

but am fed up so here goes and i feel a lot of wet pants tomorrow are in waiting

Oh what a shame, never mind, don't be disheartened. You could start afresh, missing out the potty and going straight to the toilet - cutting out a stage. I wouldn't sit him for any length of time on it, but sit him briefly on the toilet on the hour every hour and see if he can make any wee wee/poo go in the toilet. Big celebrations if he does (phone Daddy ( if that conversation gets overheard) /get a sticker) and a never mind/ no reaction if he doesn't manage it/has an accident. That way he gets the (positive) reaction and hopefully wants to do it again of his own accord.

It sounds like he is nearly ready if he is telling you when he does a wee or poo, even if it's in the nappy. My ds wasn't even aware of wees for ages.

If either of you are finding it distressing I would say give it a break and come back to it. Your ds needs to be physically and mentally ready to stop wearing nappies.

No harm in keeping the potty close to hand though and seeing what happens. I used to sit reading books with ds on the potty for ages, I think he quite liked the fact he got lots of my attention when he was sat on it.

We had a potty in the bathroom from when ds was just over 2 - for a week or two he'd play with it, then refuse to go near it for ages. We started reading picture books about potties, and asked him if he wanted to do a wee in the potty (answer always no), but didn't really try anything until he was just over 3. It's been 8 weeks now, and I'd say on the whole he is trained - after the first week, there's only been very occasional accidents (and some minor dribbling), but he won't poo in the potty and asks for nappies for that. He's also still in nappies at night, but they generally seem dry in the morning, so that will be the next step

Your MIL sounds a bit fuckwitted, sorry

My niece was well over 3 when she was TT. She got up one morning and didn't want a nappy on. Job done. Do it in his time, not your MIL's. You are the best judge of when he's ready, nothing is to be gained bu working to her schedule and everyone getting stressed and upset about it.

Good luck

last two days:
yest screamed did not want pants - so put ruddy nudey...onyl morning did pee in potty then put on swimming trunks for garden and peed in them severla times..when trunks off peed in house, garden and sofa not home

today nappy back on and when off for a run in gardne truddy nudy did pee sitting on chair

def not ready i think

awlays says doing pee pee and it is going through pants/swimming tunks/leg

but not really going for potty

say 1/10 times goes for potty

def back to nappies

tomorrow i meet MIL so wish me luck!

Good luck, just stand firm and dont let her bully you or your DS

bumbly - I have a relative who hasn't even attempted to potty train her 4.6yo yet so your dilemma sort of pails in insignificance in comparison.

the 4.6yo does not have any medical problems or SN but the parents just don't seem to be in a rush and say that children go to school in nappies, it's not a big deal etc.