Please reassure me he's just not ready yet!

[NinthWave]

My DS is 2.8 and we've been attempted potty training a couple of times over the past few months, always trying to keep it low-key and not make too big a deal out of it.

We've NEVER had a wee in the toilet/potty - he used to sit on the potty but now complains it hurts his bum, I think it's too small so we've moved onto a trainer seat on the toilet.

He'll happily sit on it but won't actually do anything. Have tried praise, bribery, etc but nothing works. He chose his own pants - but he won't wear them! Yesterday we managed to get a pair on him after much dicussion of how brilliant and comfy pants are, hooray for pants etc, but he weed in them and then asked for a nappy...

I'm getting comments from friends/family now which is bugging me as I've never had to 'push' DS into anything, but am being made to feel like I ought to be encouraging him a bit more.

He's just not interested though. He doesn't care about being a 'big grown up boy' or any of that, he likes his nappies!

I'm going to leave it a bit longer, but hoe much longer? How will I know when he's ready? Will he ever wee anywhere except the carpet?

I agree, wait. Dd1 was nearly 3 and a half when she potty trained, up until then any attempts were met with either, throwing the potty across the room, or saying 'but mummy I don't need to go in a potty I go in my nappies'.

When we did do it, I waited until dh was around for a few days (he has more patience than me), went out and let her choose some pants and a new potty, a dvd (that she could watch whilst on the potty) and a big bag of chocolate buttons (sticker charts hold no appeal whatsoever with dd1!) and said that she could have 1 button for wees and 2 for poos, but when the bag was gone there would be no more. She just did it straight away (more because she was ready, than the incentives I think), and after a weekend she would go on the toilet, and we haven't really had an accident since.

With dd2 it is different, she just took her nappy off one day (she was 2.8) and said she didn't want to wear it any more. She will use the potty and toilet, but she has about 10 accidents a day. But she will not be taken to to the toilet every half an hour, and the more she is reminded the more likely she is to wee herself. I think that trying to 'take the lead' and control the situation can sometimes make matters worse.

Can I recommend The No Cry Potty Training Solution by Elizabeth Pantley (ho ho), it is very gentle, and in the same way that her 'sleep solution' book makes you realise that not every child sleeps through the night, this book made me feel a lot more relaxed about the whole potty training thing.

Oh, I thought Justaphase was you, after a very quick namechange.

My ds is 2.9 and we have had a fairly intense week of potty training as I was able to dedicate the time to it. I thought it was important to stay around the house as the availability of the potty would build up his confidence. By day 6 he had cracked it but it wasn't without its hitches!
It sounds to me that perhaps he is not ready yet as he still wants to wear nappies. I think the worst thing you could do is show that you are stressed about it as he will pick up on it and feel you are rushing him and toddlers hate being rushed! My ds picked up on this on day 2 and we had more accidents than day 1 and he would not poo! In the end I stopped taking him to the potty and asking him every 30 minutes as he would get flustered and he then started to take himself off and called me to help clear up.
I think your right to try and actively teach/encourage him as IME it sometimes works rather than just waiting for him to take the lead. Just don't stress about it.
Also, my ds still wears what we call 'sleep pants' and the nappy comes off first thing! It hasn't made any difference to the success in the day. In fact I think an absolute approach at this age just causes more stress because if they wet the bed and inevitably are upset on the night it may put them off the whole process. Being wet in the day is not that traumatic as you can change quickly but at night I would imagine lying in the mess would be pretty unsettling and they may long for the nappies that didn't cause this!
Good luck with it.

I waited with both of mine until they complained of being wet and wanted to wear big boy/girl pants/knickers. DS was 3.6 and dd was 2.8.

I found potty training much easier because they had initiated it. Obviously still had the inevitable puddles on the floor/ carpet/ trousers etc.

DS occasionally forgot to go to the toilet until he was 6 (change of school clothes kept at school!) and DD (now 5) still needs reminding sometimes.

MmeLindt, nobody in the family will admit to having had problems ...

Did you find anything that helped your DS? Or was it ... just a (very long) phase?

Justaphase
We make sure, even now, that he goes to the loo before we go out of the house. And if we are playing a game where he might get tickled, I send him too. Sometimes when he laughs a lot he wees. Just his bladder control is not perfect.

He will say that he does not need then 2 mins later race to the toilet, and just make it. So if I see him jiggling about, I make him go.

Aside from that, some mornings he would lie in his bed and wee the bed cause he could not be bothered getting up. I realised this one day, and from then on made him help me change the bed. He never did that again.

It is really a case of being patient, not making a fuss.

DS was 'trained' a month or so before he was 4. He still has accidents, or waits until bathtime to poo but after trying at various times, I just left it and he trained himself pretty much. IMO, to a certain extent, if you are having to 'train' your DC then it's too early. DS took himself off to the loo himself once I explained what he had to do, and being in pants helped him see and know when he had weed himself - I think it's easy for them to become 'lax' in nappies. Within the first day or so he was doing everything himself - the stool, the special seat and then about a month after he just started sitting on the normal loo himself. I can definatly see how 4+ is within the realms of 'normal', DS will be in night pants until probably at least 4 1/2.

Thank you MmeLindt. We are doing this. Definitely sounds like a very similar situation. DS will start jumping about, I can see he is desparate to go but will stubornly claim that he does not need to ... then wet himself two minutes later. He gets embarassed about it too.

The wierd thing is that he will go for months without having any pproblems and then regress again to wetting himself once or several times per day.

I really do not get it ....

Oh well, sounds like we have a long road ahead of us.

Did your DS ever have any tests done?

Posting and running, sorry for short message - thankyou all for your advice, you've bolstered my confidence in my decision to leave it for now. I'll wait until he shows a bit of interest, I think

My dd didn't come out of nappies until just before 3. She was then far more reliable than those who had spent 9 months trying.

(I've pretty much never asked her if she needs the loo since!)

Justaphase
No, we did not have tests done. He grew out of it really.

thanks for all the advice posted. Have got back from a trip to a junior doctor today who has referred DS (aged4.5)to an incontinence clinic for still having wee and poo accidents. Has any else been to one of these? if so did it help? We started potty training 2 months before DD arrived and initially he got it v quickly but then totally regressed afterwards and still has at least 1 or 2 accidents most days and has a wet nappy at night. This has gone on for 18 months now and am at my wits end!:-(