Potty trained son won't 'go' at new nursery. They want to put him back into nappies...

[buttonyourlip]

Not sure what to do for the best here. My son, who is 2.5 has been very successful in potty training at home. We tackled it over the summer (!?) months with few accidents and a happy chap and parents as a result.

He started a new nursery 3 weeks ago - he attends 3 days a week (was previously at another nursery before the summer for 12 months but didn't potty train there) and he refuses to use the potty or loo with any of the nursery staff. Sometimes he lasts from 9.30 until I collect him at 4 without a wee. Although more often than not come 3ish he has a wet accident.

They are trying hard to encourage him, but I'm worried the longer it goes on it will knock his confidence. He is quite a sensitive fellow and has already started saying he wants to stay at home on nursey days. I know he is having lots of fun while he is there, so I;'m sure this is a direct result of the accidents.

The owner of the nursey said that he should go back into nappies for a month and then try again. Do yuo think this would be a good solution or just confuse him? He is soo good at it at home or out and about with me/DH He even wakes up in the night at home when he needs to wee....
I suggested a treat like a smartie to encourage him. The deputy manager thought this was a good idea, but the owner didn't approve of the bribery.

Any advice appreciated.

i think that you should go with what you feel is best and not what a nursery owner says you should do,

he is your son and you have to deal with the fallout of DS being put back in nappies more than this owner does,

i suspect the nursery owner is probably wanting an easier option for himself/herself,

i wouldnt go back to nappies especially if ds is doing so well at home with you, i think treats is a fab idea, or a sticker chart at nursery and then you can give the treats on the way home,

hope this helps. x

Hi there, thanks for your response. I really am not sure what is for the best. I've contemplated going in at lunchtime to take him to the toilet myself (I am only around the corner) or to take him home for the day after they have had lunch. Maybe this way, he will settle in a little more before it becomes necessary for them to be able to take him ot the loo.

I find it amazing that he can be so self-conscious at such a young age...as soon as the staff member leaves the toilet and I am in the loo alone with him he will go. I guess the pressure has built up a bit now and he feels like a performing seal with all of these expectant eyes! Poor chap.

I'm trying not to let the attitude of the nursey owner cloud my judgement over what is best - she was pretty confrontational and made me feel as though I was expecting too much of him, which really raised some prickles on my back. I left feeling judged and a bit guilty, as though they thought I was making up his success at home and leaving all the training to them.

I'm expecting baby 2 in December, so was hoping to get the settling in/potty training sorted before the disruption of second baby begins! (although I'm sure this will bring more setbacks)

putting him back in nappies isnt a good idea he will get confused

How often are the staff taking him to the toilet? We do a "potty run" every 20 mins, plus every time theres a nappy change plus every time we wash hands, so all the time really

we wouldnt give smarties but we would give a sticker and a clap which seems to work most of the time

it does take a lot of patience and changes of clothes but thats what you are paying them for

No, I wouldn't be happy with that. They must fit in with you, not vice versa. Send him with a change of clothes etc and tell them to get on with it!!

You say he goes as soon as the staff member leaves the toilet - do they stand over him or wait right by the tiolet? My DD1 wouldn't go to the toilet if anyone was in the room, we had to stand right outside - perhaps it's worth asking if they could do this?
I agree with the others and your instinct about not putting him back in nappies. It may be that nursery need to stop 'encouraging' him so much and chill out a bit - does he feel the pressure is on to perform?

The sticker reward is a good idea - they did try this albeit for 3 days...not sure this is long enough to see results really. I will encourage for more of this.

He is definitely very private about the whole toilet experience! He likes to pull the curtains in the bathroom around himself whilst on the potty going for a poo. My mum found that she had success with him at her house if she helped him on to the potty then went outside to let him get on with things - he woiuld tell her when he was done and hey presto.

I did try talking them through this at nursery, but they insist if they don't stand in the way of his exit he won't sit down at all and tells them that there is no pee to be done...moments later the inevitable accident happens. All this is probably doing at this stage is adding to his anxiety and making him frightened of them.

There hasn't been much consistency it seems - i.e always a different person taking him to the loo and I think because he is yet to get to know them well, it just all feels a bit strange. It does seem a little like they are making a mountain out of a molehill. I can't believe this would be the first time they are coming across a child unwilling to pee with new carers.

I feel limited to what I can suggest in some ways as they have been doing all this a lot longer than me and I don't want them to think I'm doubting their efforts. That said, you are all right - he is my son and if I want it done a certain way I shouldn't feel like I can't speak out. He is supposed to have a key-worker helping to settle him in although it seems to me there is little difference in her input and everyone else's. Perhaps I will ask if she can take on the loo trips for the next few weeks and spend a little more time with him trying to gain his trust during playtime. Is this reasonable?

My dd has just started poo-ing on the potty too and she definitely likes to be alone. Don't we all!

Do they have pottys at nursery or just toilets? Then maybe they can leave him alone with a potty for a bit and see if he'll sit on it after a while and do one.

I think its a good idea to get the key worker to take him on loo trips. Its very disappointing that he's got off to a bad start at nursery after successful potty training. And yes, it might be worth popping in and taking him to the loo a few times to see if he warms up to the idea of using the nursery loos. I definitely wouldn't put him back in nappies as I think that would make things worse. I would be firm about that if it was me. It does sound like the nursery want the easier option which begs the question of how hard are they trying to make him comfortable with using their loos. Sounds like a lack of empathy with him.

DD potty-trained with no problems in February, but when she started a new nursery in September she started having accidents there. She had them for a few weeks, but has now stopped.

The staff took it totally in their stride and at no point did they suggest putting her back into nappies. They just kept on encouraging her and helping her (to use the proper loos there - I think one of the problems was that she was having accidents because the potty they had was too small).

I wouldn't use stickers/smarties etc., because it could just add a further layer of stress for him. I think the only answer is that the nursery staff are just going to have to buckle down and provide him with more consistency/help/whatever else he needs. It will work out in time.

However, don't let them persuade you into putting him in nappies or let them make you feel bad about it. He isn't too young (I think one of the things that worked in our favour is that we live in a country where 2.5 isn't seen as young in terms of potty training, so no one thought nappies were the answer).

And you're right, surely they must have seen it before...

p.s. when I say they just kept on encouraging her, I don't know that that's what they actually did (as someone said upthread, too much encouragement could cause too much pressure). But somehow it worked itself out.