Should I push through or is she just not ready?

[Purple89]

My DD will be 3 this weekend. We have tried potty training 3 times now and each time we have given up on the basis that little progress has been made. The issues are -

• She is terrified of doing a poo on the potty. She once did a poo on the potty and screamed for ages afterwards from what looked like terror. She then became immensely frightened even to poo in a nappy- this was when we stopped the first attempt. Now she seems less frightened of pooing but still absolutely will not poo on the potty and only in a nappy or her knickers.
• If she is bare bum, she will recognise her wees and take herself to the potty 90 percent of the time. However as soon as knickers go on (let alone knickers and trousers) it all goes to pot and its constant accidents.
• She is strong willed and highly strung. Despite us never criticising her for an accident and us reiterating that accidents happen, she gets very upset when she has one and then sobs for a nappy to be put back on.
• She also very much likes to be in control. I feel she uses the potty as a battle ground by refusing to do a wee then doing one 10 minutes later (this literally happened all over my car seat).

Its so frustrating and disheartening. What's odd (or maybe its not odd?) Is that she is super bright. Her communication is excellent, she can count and name so many different dinosaurs for example (!) But cannot do what most of her peers have conquered already. She is also very tall and looks old for her age so we do get a few odd looks when we are out and people notice she is in nappies (she could pass for school age or nearly school age).

One thing I do note is that she has been early with all her language and fine motor milestones but late with all her gross motor ones. For example she was 17.5 months before she walked. If potty training counts as some sort of physical milestone then this would therefore track.

My gut is she isn't ready and that forcing this could lead to constipation etc. Ive been child led on sleep, food etc and that has generally been my preference. But I guess I worry she will never actively choose this herself and we are storing up problems.

Does anyone have any words of advice or reassurance? Anyone have a strong willed DD who did it themselves?

Thanks all x

Following as I'm in a near identical situation!

Sorry to hear this is the same for you @tangobravo ! Bumping to see if we get any responses...

Sounds a lot like my dd in many way including the late walking however she was toilet trained at 2. Have you tried skipping the potty and going straight to toilet? I did that with both my dc and gave a sweetie reward each time 😆 (a Milky Way magic star). A big poo sitting beneath you in a potty does seem a bit traumatic if I’m honest plus then you have to clean it, it’s also another transition that some kids struggle with then moving to toilet so skipping potty makes sense for many reasons.

I think at nearly 3 you do need to push through. As a pp suggested, try going straight to the toilet. Being tall should help her manage this.

Thanks so much both. I'm afraid she is worse with the toilet than potty. She won't even sit on it. We have bought her a really cute step and seat cover too. I guess because it is about control and to some degree fear I'm worried about making it worse.

Ps. She will do wees for buttons. But when we offered a big toy for a poo, she actually got upset and said "I'll never be able to get x [big toy] because I can't do it".

I'd take a big step back and leave it for now. Allow a bit more time for her to notice other children her age wear pants and she might decide she wants to do the same. If that happens she'll probably have it nailed in a few days.

In the meantime I'd probably comment on the nice pants when we walk past them in the supermarket etc.

There's a long time to get it sorted before she starts school. If it gets to Easter before she goes to school (Sept 27?) I'd worry then.

My youngest was a bit like this, I tried a few times but he's stubborn and he told me he was too busy and couldn't be bothered to go to the toilet 🙄 He announced one morning he was done with nappies and that was it! He was about 3.5at the time.

All of this.
I don’t know why people create so much stress for themselves. Mine just one day decided to do it themselves and they were done, 3.5 years old for both.
Same with food battles, breastfeeding vs formula etc.. just chill, make life easier for yourself.

Thanks so much for the further replies. Yep she doesn't start school until September 2027 and her preschool are very supportive and relaxed about it. The manager said with my DD its about control and to take all pressure off.

It's very reassuring to hear from others who relaxed and trusted their child and it worked out! Thanks again.

If she is strong willed it’s only going to get harder I would expect. There is a lot of talk about being ready in terms of potty training, but they all get to a stage where they just need to conquer it. I don’t mean that harshly, we still have accidents with DD who just turned 4. She had multiple daily accidents for 6 months, i have a friend whos son was the same. I’m not saying force her if it’s distressing but do consider the long game in terms of - if she is mentally capable now but choosing not to, will another 6m of nappies cement that even more? I don’t know what the answer is but it’s not a 3/5/7 day method for a huge number of children I’ve found now that I am open about our struggles. I get what you are saying with the looks though, we had the same with DD. It’s disappointing feeling judged over something that’s such a struggle! The wild thing is, our DD2 is only 1 and exclusively poops on the potty 🤪

Thank you for your reply. It sounds like your DD didn't have a light bulb moment but you chose to press ahead anyway. Did her resistance look like my DDs and if so did the distress settle? Tbh I dont mind accidents, its her reaction and resistance i find hard.

Thought i would update in case others are in the same boat.

1 week after turning 3 she was still in pull ups and by a freak accident it leaked a bit. She didn't like it. She had seen her friends weeing on the toilet a couple of days before. She said she didn't want to wear nappies anymore and could she wear pants. We had a couple of accidents the first few days and then shes been dry ever since in the day.

Poos are still a challenge- shes done 2 in the potty but asks for a nappy for poos still and we are accommodating that and going slow with that.

But I am now firmly in the 'they will do it when ready' camp. Nursery said it is unreal how quickly she has mastered wees, going from totally in nappies to dry!

We aren't out of the woods yet I appreciate!

Great news, @Purple89! Well done. Just came here to recommend the ERIC website and helpline, as they have been a fantastic support for us. Lots of tips for children who will only poo in a nappy: eric.org.uk/children-who-will-only-poo-in-a-nappy-and-other-toilet-avoiders/

Aw great update, seems like progress - well done! Unfortunately we have had no progress here, also one week post 3rd birthday and tried again today. Just wet pants after wet pants (stayed at home), even pooed and weed in his pants and didn't care, just carried on playing. I feel like this is by far the most challenging bit of parenthood for me! I also think I've been spooked a bit by the recent change in advice on potty training (much earlier). Tomorrow we're going to try again and prompt him to sit on the loo at intervals with the timer (he really likes the timer and we use it a lot already for other things) and if no progress will probably delay it again. Just feeling really rubbish about it but great to hear reassurance from others!

I was also completely spooked and we are in the same boat (as our kids are the same age) that it was updated too late for us to do anything about it - we can't go back in time!
Does your DS go to nursery or have play dates with any older children? As I honestly think it was peer pressure for us. When we tried previously we got nowhere. It was only when it was directed by her, rather than from our agenda, that it changed.

For our DD, childcare helped as they have proper little toilets. Her peers would have all been going through it too and the childcare workers know exactly what to do (being new to it I try to copy them).

It took us at least 3 months of this and following a similar structure from childcare at home (we use the actual toilet got rid off the potty, cheer when she goes, tell her poos go in the toilet not in a nappy).

She wears knickers during the day and at night has an overnight nappy.

These days she will freely say, “I need toilet” and run to it.

I know some on here say they nailed it within 3 days. I think it takes a long time and I’ve got a kid with same milestones as many in real life and some I read online (the realistic posts not the ones where the kid walks as a newborn and is so incredibly clever they are off to uni as a 5 year old lol).

You are already toilet training so you have success so far just keep it going.

Brilliant update OP! Sorry, I had missed your previous comment.

For those struggling, solidarity. We are 8 months into no daytime nappies and DD has got it, we had 6 solid months of accidents though. We just put her in these absorbent pants last night (with the same brand mat on the bed) and she went from bed time at half 7 to when she got up at 6am without a wee! We are so shocked. Poos are still a nightmare though. Good to have a thread like this, agree with you @tangobravo its the most challenging part of parenthood we have ever had. Interestingly with the new guidance, DD2 (13m) has been using a potty since 7m to help with constipation thanks to ERIC advice and I pray it makes the whole thing much easier. Since big sis is going to the toilet I think we are going to try & train DD2 at 18m 🤪🤞

@Btowngirlthanks for the solidarity! Interestingly we have started putting our 10m old on the potty during nappy changes so maybe we'll have it easier with him when we get round to it...! This morning we had some positive potty behaviour with the timer, every 20 mins when it beeped he stopped what he was doing and went and sat on it. No poos or wees in there and one accident in the pants but much more positive behaviour so I'm pleased! Going to ask nursery tomorrow if when they prompt others to use the loo can they prompt him too just so he sees his peers heading off to the loo. Hoping for some progress soon! Good luck to others!

Oh and nights we're not even bothering, I don't think that can be trained and he wakes up with a heavy nappy so will just monitor that and when he's dry in the morning address that one!

DS, who is now a hulking teenager, was almost 4 before he poo-ed on the toilet. He used to hold it all day, do it in his nappy before bed, we changed it and put a fresh one on (he wasn’t dry at night until quite late, 6.5 I think).

It was so stressful at the time, but it was just him. In contrast his two younger siblings just got poos and wees at the same time. No idea why.

I’m pleased you’ve sorted the wees.

Got home after a long day out and DS asked for his potty, sat down and did a poo. Jubilation!!! Here's hoping we have more of the same tomorrow!

Thats brilliant!!! Did this continue? Poos are still in nappies for us (apart from the 2 she managed on the potty previously)

So we asked the nursery staff to prompt him when they prompted the others, he sat on the toilet there but didn't do anything. This afternoon (first day of the weekend for us, no nursery) he did two wees and a poo on the potty (without the timer prompt but with me asking him if he needed to go) and had one wee accident! Honestly it's like night and day compared to the last time we tried. Going to keep on as we are with pants/potty at home and pull-ups outside/nursery!!

Are her wees always in the potty? Some friends had a DD who did every wee, no accidents in the potty but really struggled doing a poo outside of the nappy. They sorted it by encouraging her to sit on the potty in her nappy and poking in the nappy sitting down if that makes sense, then gradually encouraged the nappy off?

Pooing, not poking 🙄