3 year old has wee accidents every day after 5 months of potty training

[YotoMomma]

Hello mamas, I really need some advice, even if it's just buckle up and wait it out.

My daughter is 3 years and 5 months. She's bright and has typical development when compared to her peers. She's definitely on the cheeky, strong willed side of things but not too much I'd say. We started potty training just before she turned 3. She was doing fine enough and her nursery suggested she's ready to come in wearing knickers, which she's been doing for the last 5 months.

Problem is - she has wee accidents every single day, from 1 to 6 times a day, usually 2-3. We've tried everything! She's just not bothered. She's really good at taking herself to the toilet for a poo but when it comes to wee, she'll just play until she's wet herself. Sometimes she'd go, sometimes she won't. Sometimes she'll complain about being wet, sometimes she'll play in it for hours until somebody notices. It's better at home because I keep pestering her to go every 30mins so often we have no accidents at home.

Today I asked her to go, she said she didn't want to. I gave her 5 mins and we went together. She was fine with me going but then started crying when it was her turn that she didn't want to. I cajoled her to try and she didn't wee a drop. I said Thank you for trying, please tell me if you need to go. 15 mins later and she's wet. She didn't tell me. I patted her bum and felt it wet. When we went on the potty, she giggled when I said Oh darling, your knickers are wet, you promised you'd tell me if you needed to go...

This has really, really got to me. I'm sat crying (she's playing in the living room and can't see me) because how is it that we're still doing it 5 months on? How is it that she's not getting it? We've done stickers that she loves. We're doing the whole clean up after yourself, get changed, put things in a wash, which she's fine with. And then she thinks it's funny that she weed herself... again. The only thing I haven't done is shaming her and I'm this close to start doing it because obviously she thinks there's nothing wrong with having accidents... I really don't want her to be ashamed of herself but I do want her to take some accountability for her actions and to understand that while one shouldn't be ashamed for wetting themselves, it is something that's not a nice thing to have happened and certainly not funny 😭

have you ruled out any medical issues constipation (more than 3x a day or less than 3 times a week) or uti? Have you tried not prompting so much? Just a throw away prompts like the potty's in the bathroom when you need a wee and leave it at that.

Please don’t shame her. I know it’s hard, but she is still so little. It doesn’t sound like she is fully ready. I know you say she can be dry at home with you pestering her, but for her to be ready she needs to know for herself when she needs to go. It’s a physical development stage that happens when it happens, it can’t be forced or shamed into. It sounds like you’re at breaking point (I’ve been there too), so you could maybe pop her in pull ups for a bit and try again in a few months? Or stick with pants but just accept that accidents will keep happening until she is developmentally ready, and there is nothing wrong with either her or you. You’re doing great.

Is she drinking a lot OP? I mean much more than usual?

Thank you everyone!

She goes poo every day, once or twice. She did have a bit of a UTI (I think) couple of times when she suddenly went up to 6 accidents a day at nursery. I've asked about her tummy and she said it hurts pushing quite low down to show me. I've had her drink cranberry juice for a day or two and she went back down to her typical 2-3 accidents, saying her tummy doesn't hurt anymore.

When I don't prompt, she has accidents. She used to be better an nursery until she went up to the preschool group where they don't prompt anymore unlike the younger group.

She does like to drink her water and I think she drinks a lot more at nursery because they seem to get into water chugging competitions from their little water bottles 😅

Cranberry juice will not cure a UTI. It just masks the symptoms. You could
be hiding an issue. I’d just get that checked with GP.

Have you ruled out any medical issues like constipation or an UTI?

If nothing physically wrong could you actually be encouraging her to wee too often? Reminding her every 30 minutes could end up counterproductive as she could become frustrated and stubborn. Also at 3.5 most children will be capable of holding it longer than 30 minutes so trying to pee every 30 minutes could be training her bladder to pee little and often so that at nursery she can’t hold it long enough.

Might feel like the opposite of what you want to do but I would try and not remind her at all apart from first thing in the morning, last thing at night and before going out or getting in the car.
If she has an accident make as little fuss as possible but if she has a dry day loads of praise.

Ask nursery to get the children out of the habit of competing with drinking water, that’s wrong for so many reasons!
Don’t give up, she needs consistent training & support at 3. Also don’t shame as pp says. She will crack this, you both need to remind yourselves 🥰

(duplicated so deleted)

She is getting it though. It takes an average of 6 months to potty train (ERIC website). DS took 1.5 years. And it still happens occasionally now (another 6 months on) if he’s tired or had juice (blackcurrant is the worst). Constipation is often a cause of wee accidents too. My niece used to have accidents on purpose because she’d want to put a different dress on. Just keep persevering.

Try limiting to water with a meal and a drink at set snack times then, rather than water on the go all the time. Also cut out juice and squash if she has them because they can irritate the bladder.
Of course don’t refuse water if she’s thirsty but we all survived without constant drinking from water bottles!

I'm feeling less upset now after getting this off my chest and having a cuppa! So now I'm ashamed of considering shaming her.

You're right, that's not the way. My dad used the shaming technique for everything and me feeling ashamed/embarrassed is a natural state of mind, which I've been fighting for years and I really don't want that for her.

My boy done this. It was just a "phase". It quickly passed by after a monthish. I remember at the time being so frustrated but I just had to ride it out.

We had exactly this at this age. I tried everything, rewards, reminders, getting cross, special pants, saw a doctor for possible UTI (there wasn’t one). It went on for probably a year of constant accidents. Then, one week, it just stopped. A whole dry day and then another. And now there are occasional accidents but maybe once a fortnight. So I have no advice but just wait it out!

My son was 4 before he was properly dry in the day - almost 8 before he was dry at night. Totally normal developmentally and the GP told us to just wait it out.

If she’s crying at the thought of weeing it definitely could indicate a UTI.

You're right, I was considering talking to nursery about the water chugging. I do limit her drinking at home - if she doesn't want water when she says she's thirsty then maybe she's not really thirsty.

Cranberry juice is something that helps me when I get a UTI as long as it's sugar free. It just helps to fully empty the bladder when all you can seem to do is little wees. I might try to see a GP, maybe we can get seen at some point over the next month, our GP is really hard to arrange an appointment with 😞 Plus I feel bad if I end up wasting their time 😬

I do actually think it's a bit of willfullness + cheek a lot of the time. Probably a bit of my fault for telling her to go often and hence today her proving to me she doesn't need to go by holding her wee when actually sat on the potty and then getting wet 15 mins later. I also think that's why she giggled - like got ya!

Thank you for your messages! It's good to hear from parents who been through this and the kids just grew out of it. Patience!

When I said she cried when asked to go potty, I mean more moaning/whining. She does that for everything she doesn't want to do this very second, toilet, bath time, go outside, go back inside. I usually say I don't understand whining so she needs to tell me using her normal voice. The other day she went into extra extra whining, which was a bit much, but when I looked at her face she was grinning and barely holding her giggles in 🙄😅