Prompting versus leaving them toIt?

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We are making a last ditch attempt at potty training before winter and a new baby arrives. So far DD stays mostly dry if prompted to go to the potty every hour so so (and always does a wee) but very rarely initiates to go and doesn’t like stopping playing. If we don’t prompt every wee ends up starting in her pants/on the floor but sometimes she manages to finish it in the potty. We have this week off nursery and I would love for her to be ready to go in pants next week but I’m not sure how to proceed.

She is 3y2m already and if we don’t succeed this time she will be more than 3.5 years before the next attempt unless she decides to do it herself (we wouldn’t try while having a newborn and then we have an extended visit from family from abroad which is probably not a good time either) . She starts school at 4y2m and I obviously want her trained by then. She does have some mobility issues related to low muscle tone and her motor skills are way behind for her age if anyone wondering why she is not trained already.

Hello OP. She sounds a lot like our DD who is 3 years 10m. We had a second DD when she was bang on 3 and I regret not sticking with the attempt we made whilst I was pregnant, it’s so much more challenging with a second baby. We have been going again since April, mostly just an accident per day although Fri/sat/sun just gone has been our biggest turning point yet & she asked to go about 50% of the time. Likewise our DD has hypotonia plus had a lot of milestone delays so we knew it may be a long process. If you have capacity to prompt then I would do that tbh, consistency will get you there. My friends DS has no additional needs/issues and had accidents for a long time too so she gave me moral support to plough on! Don’t look at all these 3 day methods etc, it’s not applicable to them all sadly! Good luck.

Thanks so much for the reply @Btowngirl . It’s reassuring to hear we are not alone with this struggle. Everyone else we know has typically developing kids and it can be difficult to know where to turn to advice. One of our NCT group was trained at 2 while my DD didn’t even walk independently until 2.5 years.

I have the capacity to prompt while at home but she normally goes to nursery 4 days a week and I’m not sure if they will remember to prompt her. I have some annual leave I need to use this month to focus on it at home although it’s difficult to find a long stretch due to work deadlines and quite a few medical appointments for my pregnancy where I really need her in nursery.

The nursery will have practices around this, so ask them. The nursery my children went to, once a good number of the children in the room were in pants they would take them all to the toilet at set intervals - children could obviously indicate they wanted/needed to go at other times and would be taken, but the practice of stop playing and take everyone would be a prompt for children who needed it (as younger DD did!).

If you have a week off nursery, it may be worth trying with a different method, such as Oh Crap! which not everyone likes, but the advantage is that its main focus is on teaching the child to recognise their body's signals for when they need to go, and this sounds like the part that your DD hasn't quite got yet. If you do, you'd probably want to speed-read the book for the rationale as well as the method, then you keep her at home with as few clothes on as possible, watch her like a hawk, and keep the potty handy so you can get her on it as soon as either (a) the wee starts, or (b) you, or she, can just tell that she's about to do one. If it works as it's supposed to, then you ideally would see a shift from you telling her she needs to go, to her noticing she needs to go, to her noticing she needs to go a bit further in advance.

Oh, and I wouldn't rule out training with a newborn either - we did this because it coincided with our only available time off nursery, and we were also lucky enough to have an 'easy' baby who spent most of his time napping in his pram in the hall.

Whatever works to keep her clean and dry. If that’s prompting so be it. It’s loads better than nappies! I did it that way with mine and gradually increased the interval so if prompting every hour with no accidents then next week make it 1 hour 15, then 1 hour 30 until you’re only prompting if it’s been 2.5 hours and she she hasn’t taken herself.

Nursery should be fine with this, in fact ours took them on a schedule anyway I presume because it was easier to take them all before they started an activity or went outside into the garden than having interruptions and a staff member needing to go back inside with the DC needing the loo. But do ask them! Failing that I’ve seen, but never used, a potty watch which reminds the DC to go at whatever interval you set it to.

Honestly we were soul destroyed but the more open I am with people, the more people are comfortable to say the difficulties their children had.

In terms of nursery, they will 100% be taking other children so tell them of your intent and request they take DD on every toilet run/hourly or what ever you need them to do. Our DD had to change nursery at the end of May due to moving house the new nursery were equally as brilliant about it so I do think this should be across the board. They also said they’d upped their vigilance too as a lot of the children due to school in Sep have started having accidents due to knowing change is coming so they really are used to it.

I really feel where you are coming from. Our DD didn’t walk until 2 years 2m and not confidently for some months after that. She’s learnt to properly run within the last 5/6m. Unfortunately when our kids have muscle issues you can spend a lot of time second guessing whether they can/will know they need a wee. We tried the oh crap method but it’s most beneficial for kids who can tell. Good for us to learn the cues though!

Something we have persevered with is getting her to understand wet and dry to help get the concept. Also involve them in any clean ups. Bubbles or windmills in the bathroom as blowing is meant to help them pee and taking them to the loo whenever you go. This serves dual purpose of lots of opportunity to go as well as not trying to avoid going because they’re enjoying playing or whatever. We have wee wee chocolates that she can have 1 of when she pees in the potty too.

HV isn’t worried about my DD and said it’s not uncommon. I think we just don’t hear about struggles! They wouldn’t refer to continence until she is 4 they said, so if I were you I would plough on now, get nursery on board and then you have plenty of time before next Sep (my DD also starts school then too).

Good luck it’s such a mind game as a parent when it’s so difficult!

Thanks all for the great tips! Will definitely try them.

DD doesn’t really like being naked from the waist down so we haven’t been doing the Oh Crap method. We have only started this attempt properly on Saturday although we have been trying at home over recent weekends. She has no problem weeding on the potty if actually sitting on it but can be reluctant to get to that point. Says ‘I don’t need to wee’ and then a few minutes later there is a puddle on the floor.

It’s really hard to know if she is physically ready due to the hypotonia and whether she just needs practice to know when to go or if she is really incapable of feeling it at the moment.

Thanks again all for the suggestions and support. We did 10 days at home and she was still needing prompting to go otherwise we get accidents on the floor. Nursery seem supportive and are willing to prompt her so we are going to persevere for now. She has had one day back at nursery without any accidents so fingers crossed.

I am still a bit nervous about car trips and outings. I guess we just manage these with regular toilet trips?

That’s amazing well done! I’d get some puppy pads for the car seat just in case. Also if she falls asleep in the car, put her straight on the potty when you wake her up & she should go. We used puppy pads as had a trip to Lego land while she was still unpredictable, no accidents on rides tho thankfully but she was always discreetly sat on a puppy pad just in case xx