Reception in Sept and still won’t poo on toilet - please tell me this isn’t just us??

[JamOnTheCurtains85]

Evening all. Bit of a ramble coming, sorry.

DS is 4 and starting Reception in Sept and still absolutely refusing to poo on the toilet. He’ll wee no problem, has done for ages, but every single poo is either in his pull-up or pants (when I try to go cold turkey) or he’ll hold it in and then we’re in for a meltdown later.

He knows when he needs to go, he’ll hide behind the bloody curtains or go upstairs and shut himself in his room, but won’t go near the loo. Tried reward charts, letting him flush, blowing bubbles, books, sitting with him, ignoring it, everything short of performing a tap dance in the bathroom.

HV was useless (“they get there in their own time” — helpful ta). DP reckons Reception will “sort it” but I’m honestly panicking. Do schools actually deal with this? Like I don’t want his teacher to have to clean up crap on day 1, poor woman.

Anyone been here and got through it?? I’m dreading the home visit now.

No idea what else to try.

Thanks if you’ve read this far x

How does your husband suggest that reception 'sort it' ? It may be the case that you have to come and clean him or take him home for a shower if he has a poo accident.

No. They won’t deal with it. However no pull ups from now on and a clear message to him that teachers will not sort this out. You have to tell the school and see what they say.Are poos always in school hours? What happens at nursery? What are they doing with him? He might just do what other dc do - they don’t poo at school! Often dc fall in with others as it’s easier.

I do feel for you. Everyone wants dc tone school ready but I think you will need to discuss this issue with the school and start treating him as a school age child regarding pants.

Teachers should not have to deal with this, unless there is a specific medical need/disability. This is a parent's responsibility.
What happens if you are out and about? Do you take him home as the natural consequences to not using the toilet and therefore needing to be changed? I think it perhaps needs to become more of an inconvenience to him to not use the toilet.
Does he/could he use the potty in the interim? I don't have all the answers but definitely no more pull ups.

Have you tried offering a reward for your child with chocolate, sweets or toys? I know it's not approved approach, but my daughter managed it for the first time when she saw the picture of the space hopper shed be receiving.

Also, could you try to allow time for the poo to be done before school...e.g. be serving breakfast at 7am and then the poo might be done at home before 8? My daughter goes regularly 20 mins after a breakfast of yogurt and small serving of shreddies. You could also add an apple puree pouch from Tesco or Aldi to breakfast to help cause it to happen at home.

Good luck

Why are you putting pull-ups on a 4yr old? Not to make you feel worse than you already do but you’ve clearly been dealing with this all wrong. DC2 was 4 in April and we potty trained all 3 of ours including him at 2y2m. He also had issues doing poos on the toilet but we figured out it’s because he was mildly constipated so it was hurting him to go. We sorted that and now he’s fine. You’ve got 2 months to sort it before he starts school so no pull-ups under any circumstances and rewards for doing poos on the toilet. Also look into constipation as maybe he’s the same as my boy? It wasn’t presenting like normal but he would hold his poo for 4-5 days then when he finally went it was huge and really painful. He has daily laxido sachets now and that’s fixed it.

Hi op, I had this issue until my ds was 5, he managed his first 💩 on the toilet one month before starting school and we got rid of pull-ups completely the same weekend.
I tried everything, the blowing bubbles trick a million times over. DS had no issues using the toilet for a wee.
For us it took for DH to be stuck in the loo with no toilet wipes, we had another child who was a newborn at the time and I had to send DS(5) up with some toilet wipes to his dad, he stood for a few minutes and told his dad it was his turn (!!!)
He will get there, persevere, include him in picking his own toilet rolls, flushable wipes, does he feel secure on the toilet and not a fear of falling? We had let DS pick everything down to his very own hand soap but it somehow did eventually click. There is also the ERIC website which I really recommend for advice too.

You're not alone. My 4 year old is similar. They will use the toilet but not reliably, especially out the house. They prefer pooing in their pants. It's infuriating. They've been on laxatives for almost 2 years. HV involved but on a 30 week waiting list for specialist support. GP won't do anything until Y2/age 7. We've also tried everything. Some say school will sort it because they'll see school kids using the loo but they already go to nursery and that hasn't made a difference. No suspected SEN.

No advice other than to ignore the perfect parents commenting above. Some kids just don't get it. It's always one step forward, two steps back with my DC. We will persevere and cross our fingers for September. School are speaking to nursery so it'll be flagged. I know there's at least one other child in nursery with the same issue.

Having been through this the likely outcomes are 1. He will suddenly start pooing on the toilet because he has no option at school not to or 2. (Happened with one of our children) They withhold the poo until they get home and (in our case) had their nighttime pull up on.

Sorry some of the PP are being unkind. I know from experience that when you find yourself in this situation it absolutely isn't because you have been lazy and haven't tried to potty train.

We too tried all the tips going and nothing worked. In the end DS went to school and still wasn't pooing on the toilet. He simply held it in while he was there. He would come home regularly with pooey pants.

There were issues as a result. Because he was holding it all day (he would also hold it if we were out at weekends) he ended up constipated. We gave him daily doses of the fig syrup to try to prevent this.

I got advice from the ERIC website (who were fantastic) and we started a reward chart for DS to sit on the toilet after his evening meal. There was no mention of pooing on the toilet and it started just with 10 seconds sitting. He then got a sticker. Once he received 10 stickers, he got a hot wheels toy or got to choose the weekend activity etc. We then increased the time, then it was sitting on the toilet with pants down. At no point did we mention pooing on the toilet. Once he could sit for about 10 minutes with no fuss with his pants down, we told him he would get a bigger toy if he managed to poo on the toilet. We put a picture up in the toilet and then didn't mention it again unless he talked about it.

Eventually, with no pressure, he started pooing on the toilet.

It's hard OP. He will get there but I know when you're in the thick of it, it feels insurmountable. Good luck!

My DDs summer born so was only just 4 when she started reception. She was still often having wee accidents, although she was out of nappies/pull ups at age 3. She’s not had one accident at school. Often not wanting to have an accident in front of their friends is a good incentive.

I had this with my son who is ND. He just held it until he came home where he’d immediately ask for a pull up so he could go. He’d also hide and behave strangely. I tried everything I could think of. Nothing worked. He was happy to pee in the toilet but sitting on it was a real problem. One day I told him that they stopped selling pull ups for big children and he held it for several days before giving in. I felt so cruel but he was nearly 6 at this point and there felt like no choice. I gave a reward every time he managed it and eventually he was ok. To this day, he’s never had a poo at school though, preferring to be at home.

Took ages to get my DS to poo on the toilet!

Look up poo goes to poo land - it’s a story/video thing that worked for us

Reception teacher here. Keep doing what you're doing and I'm sure he will get there. You have the whole summer to go! Will he sit on a potty? My 4 year old still prefers to poo on a potty instead of the big toilet.

Be open and honest with the school and his teachers. The best thing you can do is prepare him to change himself if he does have a poo accident. Encourage him to tell his teacher. Send him in with lots of spare clothes, wipes and plastic bags for dirty clothes.
We can't physically touch/wipe children at school we have to stand back and give verbal instructions/guide them. If they are in a real mess then we will ring for them to go home and bath.

One little boy in my class still soils himself (well is under the GP/school nurse) no special needs. We have a checking chart and make him go to the toilet and try for a poo and check if he needs changing. But it is hard if my TA is out with an intervention group or is outside and I'm called into the toilet as often I have to leave children unattended. So the more independence the better as I can just keep popping my head backwards and forwards. Otherwise I have to close down rooms and send children somewhere else or radio for another member of staff to come.

But independence is key so the more you can do to get him to clean himself up afterwards and put his dirty clothes in a bag and get recharged the better.

But honestly we are here to help!

Unfortunately we were in this position too. I tried everything and had a massive panic over it. It’s literally a phobia for them so the pressure wasn’t helping. I spoke to reception teacher and we agreed to take some pull ups into school to have discreetly on hand. My DS didn’t use them though and learned to hold it until hole time. I didn’t push too much and he naturally grew out of it by the time he had finished reception.

Absolutely no pull ups!!!! He needs to be in pants to be potty trained

Hopefully I can offer some constructive advice having had this issue with my older one.

There is a well known method and it worked for us.

1. When they are confident with wee, take the pull-ups off during the day and have them wear pants.
2. Tell that that when they need a poo they need to come and ask for a pull-up to do it in (rather than just wearing pull-ups all the time).
3. When they poo their pull-up, it has to be done in the bathroom and nowhere else.
4. The pull-up is taken off immediately afterwards, and the poo flushed down the toilet (in their presence).
5. After a week or so of doing this, ask the child to sit on the toilet or potty (with their pull-up on, still) to do their poo.
6. Repeat step 4 afterwards.
7. After a further week or two of this, instead of putting the pull-up on, put the open pull-up into the potty or toilet so that they will poo into it without wearing it. Repeat step 4 afterwards.
8. Eventually the child will get so used to sitting on the toilet to poo that it won’t matter if there is a pull-up underneath or not.
9. Job done!

The above worked for us, but I’ve also heard of the following variations:

If step 7 is too big a transition for the child, try cutting a hole in the back of the pull-up before they put it on so that the child can sit on the toilet still wearing the pull-up but the poo goes through it and into the toilet.

If they can’t get past the step of placing the pull-up into the toilet, do so gradually by cutting pieces off the pull-up bit by bit each time until eventually they only need a little bit of pull-up in the toilet to poo on, which can then eventually be replaced by a wad of toilet tissue.

Good luck! I hope this proves
more constructive.

In addition to all the great suggestions on here you could try sharing Poo Land with him. Link below.
Lots of children can’t or won’t poo in school ( as in the new toilet roll advert)
Obviously if you can sort it before Reception that would be good.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZD0ZjAAJybg

Yes poo goes to poo land is great

My 7yo still doesn't like to poo at school though, apparently the toilets are too small to properly relax, so he will hold it in and dash home for a no2!

OP ignore some of the abrupt replies you have had ! If only it was as easy as some people think to sort this problem out !!!
My daughter could have written your message word for word.
Her daughter has this issue and has been constipated for years ever since weaning and has been on daily Movicol .
Long story short she has now been diagnosed with Coeliac Disease and the long term constipation has made her terrified of pooing and she only feels safe with pull ups . We have tried every advice there is and she has now finally at the age of 5 started to poo in the loo . Avoiding constipation is my main advice and having the patience of a saint !
Ignore any judgement from anyone,this is not lazy parenting,it’s a psychological/ physical problem that will take time to unravel .

There's actually a lot of wisdom in this. Does he look up to his dad? Does he know his dad shits on the toilet? Can his dad brag about the massive log he's laid and set up a challenge?!

My ND child struggled with pooing on the toilet as well, so we got pretty graphic in role modelling, and also talked about it a lot with them. I also read to them on the toilet when it was primed....

We did something very similar to this with DD who has ASD!

We didn't actually put the pull-up in the loo, but cut holes in - very small at first and gradually bigger until her "pull-up" was just a wisp of paper and she decided she didn't need it any more.

I think the key with reluctant pooers is to make small changes gradually, as outlined by Pansy.

Well it’s taking me ages to crack this too for my own three old, and guess what, I’m a nanny and childcare professional with 15 years experience under my belt including potty training. There is NOTHING I did differently with him and he’s still grappling with it. He’s stubborn but I fully believe he will do it when he’s ready. I do not want him backed up with constipation and being upset and uncomfortable. He’s wee trained like a dream, never has a poo in his pants he just will not poo on the toilet (under much duress he will occasionally do something tiny in the potty) school will not have to deal with it because nursery don’t, he poos at home.

there for the grace if your kid ‘just gets it’ honestly. A bit of humility from some posters wouldn’t go amiss. It’s no different from some children taking longer to go to sleep alone, or eat a better range of food, or any of the countless other things small children have to learn.

Can you talk to your GP for some support? I remember my daughter was funny about this too, and we put her on Movicol for a few months and it sorted the issue out (probably not recommended by dentists but Movicol in a homemade smoothie was the only thing we could disguise it in - from memory you can't mix it with milk). The other thing is that sometimes we let her have the iPad on the toilet if she is being difficult (she is older now but has a fear of the toilet and won't tell us why), as that's a treat we usually reserve for holidays and weekends only. It gets her relaxed.

It's probably constipation. Even if he poos every day and you feel sure it's not constipation, it still probably is.

It can cause fear of the toilet (if it hurts to poop) and also reduced sensaiton of pooping due to the nerves getting stretched.

The ERIC.org website and their helpline are your friends here, and the GP if you get a good one. Not all GPs are very clued up about child constipation though.

If he's poos aren't too runny and he's weeing in the loo, I'd honestly put him in cheap pants rather than pullups, they should catch a poo ok. If the poo isn't contained by pants or he's wetting then you need to address that first.

Medication and scheduled toilet sits are key, we even let DC play on the tablet initially to make them stay on the loo.

No advice but solidarity! We are in exactly the same boat i came to write a post myself but this one summed it up.
It has been helpful not to feel alone! Praying they will get it before school.