3.5 year old refusing to go and holding all day

[Darklava09]

I’ve been trying to potty train my 3.5 year old so for a week which I know is relevantly little
time.
the childminder said he was ready and to bring him in pants…
the few days he was there he did wee and got upset but wet in the toilet once he started.

since then he’s been holding himself all day from 9-7 without going and will wait for bedtime until he has a pull up on.

it’s horrible to see him writhing and wriggling around knowing he is desperate.

im worried he will get a water infection too.

so far have tried potty’s, stickers, bribes aren’t working. He’s very clever and switched on and keeps asking for a nappy or asking for pyjamas as he knows that’s when he wears a nappy.

any tips because I’m stressing out and don’t want to traumatise him either

It sounds like he’s not ready. I’d put him back in pull ups and try again over the Easter hols.

Have you checked out the Eric website? Lots of helpful info:

https://eric.org.uk/childrens-bladders/wee-withholding/

Have you tried showing him how to do a stand up wee? Some children don’t like sitting on the potty/ toilet but do better standing up.

Try putting a pull up on but getting him to stand over the potty as he wees, then build up to getting him to sit on the potty still with the pull up on, then sitting on the potty with the pull up on but only very loosely.
Or you could skip the potty part and just try stand up wees if he seems to hate the sitting part. (Although you will still need the potty for poos).
good luck.

Is he 3.5yo starting school in September or 3.5yo still got another year? If the former, you need to persevere. It takes an average of 6 months to potty train (according to ERIC) so some children will take longer. I have a 3.5yo too, have you asked him why he doesn't want to wee in the potty? He's old enough to understand that question.

I’ve tried and this is the thing before that the potty’s been around the house for a year and he’s never shown an ounce of interest in it never sat on it.. or put toys on it…

thing is he won’t even just sit on it either with clothes or without clothes it’s utterly exhausting at this rate

He’s not starting reception until September 26 so still a while yet from reception.

Bribery?
eg TV only on when he is sitting on the potty ( even if fully dressed), favourite book on the potty, can’t leave the house for a fun activity until you have sat on the potty as a seat for 20 seconds while your shoes were done up??

I have asked him he just says he doesn’t want to sit on the toilet or use the potty he says he wants a nappy and when you say he’s a big boy he just says he’s little still.

like he’s got beads of sweat running down his face the fact he’s held it and is desperate to go. He’s just dribbled down his leg and his screaming because of it and is crying… surely this isn’t normal because my eldest didn’t do this. I feel awful

We went straight to this at 3.5 as DS was tall. Also had success with stickers that reveal a picture when they wee on them. And YouTube on my phone for poos (I realise not everyone is down with this).
We had to train when we did as summer born so at reception at 4 and a month. If you've still got a year and a half you've got more flexibility so you could always try again over Easter or something.

He sounds just like my DS, who's a very similar age (but starting school in September as he's summer born, so we persisted over the past couple of months). He would also hold for hours and hours, either until bedtime or an absolutely colossal accident.

We found stand up wees on the potty were how he was happiest (or least unhappy!) to start, and he liked having something to aim at that did something fun - successes for us were icing sugar/instant coffee so he could dissolve it, soap so it would make bubbles, water with some food colouring in so it would change colour, etc..

It took us a good 3/4 weeks to see any significant progress to be honest - and had I had the time before school I think I'd have given up - and now 2/2.5 months in I'd say we've largely cracked wees, poos a work in progress as he generally prefers to wait for a nappy at bedtime still. I would say give it a week or two more to see if you make any progress and he becomes happier, but having the extra year before school takes the pressure off which is nice.

Just put him back in pull ups for a few months. Once he decides he's ready it'll take days at his age honestly. No point traumatising him

so for us getting pirate Polly out the library and a few more toilet trading books and reading them for a week (the kid loves to read) and getting a ladder so the kid can get on the toilet independently worked a charm if I’d done it straight away rather than after 3 months I’m sure we would have had the whole thing down loads quicker. Also if they are holding coz we are somewhere new and excited like an airport we usually go once and they can’t go and then. We go back 10 15 mins later and I stay until they do go but help them along by counting to 10 and making them laugh(relaxes the muscles) works a charm so we count to 10 but I get the numbers muddled up and so I am hilarious (I don’t think so but it works) and it can take as long as required ie 12 7 9 44 4 sound more confused the longer u go on. Child wees and can get on with your day. All kids are so different but might be worth a try.

My DS did exactly this, interesting to hear he’s not the only one. After a couple of days of this I gave up (had tried unsuccessfully younger than this too) A week before his fourth birthday he decided himself that he was ready and he just did it. No accidents, it was really easy. He was then dry at night not too long after and again, it was all very easy. Hopefully this will reassure you, as I had been so worried that he’d never do it and after all the stress, it seemed he was waiting until he knew he could do it.

If he won’t even sit on the potty I would try with stand up sees. Is his dad around to model this?

I would also stop talking about him needing to be a ‘big boy.’ Not all children find the idea of growing up exciting, some are anxious around it or think other things will have to change if they’re not ‘little’ anymore. I would avoid using language which suggests part of potty training is changing who he is especially if he’s not responding positively to that.

I had something similar with my daughter. We did a week at home and made a game of it. I set a timer on Alexa and when it went off we had to race to the potty/toilet. Do it in whatever intervals feel appropriate - 30 mins/hour. Then another timer for 5 mins on potty. It helped that it was the timers idea to her, not me dictating it. Potty training is a long journey, she even regressed a few months later but she's got it now. She'll be four in a few months.

This is so reassuring to know thank you. I am thinking that but will give it a few more days with nursery coming up and the toilet steps arriving tomorrow

Yeah and his brother was willing to demo how to do it but he couldn’t care less but good idea wjth the language. I think he likes being the little one I guess haha