Hardest challenge in parenting yet

[Shannon9955]

I've been on and off potty training my 2 year (she'll be 3 in April) old for the last 6 months. First time we ever did it she did a wee on the potty with us encouraging her, and she then followed by stepping away from her toys and I remember just hearing her wee on the potty which she took upon herself to do. I thought we cracked it, how naive😂

Since then she doesn't want any conversation about the potty, doesn't want anything to do with the potty. Says nappy change, will refuse the potty. Tried the toilet, doesn't like the toilet. I take her to the toilet with me and tell her mummy goes on the big girl toilet. Her best friend is toilet trained and we've said your friend goes to the big girl toilet. She doesn't care

Yesterday I took her nappy off to change and she pulled her bottoms up with no nappy so I said okay, let's get the potty out. We went upstairs, got the potty and she sat on it and had a wee. Then the following wee was on the floor. We made her aware accidents happen and it's okay but wee wee is in the potty. I have hard floors so it's not the worst

I got a jar, personalised it with her name and filled it with chocolate coins and said if you go for a wee then you can open the jar for a treat. Again, she didn't care and her weakness is chocolate

This morning I've got her stripped from the waist down, got the potty close to hand. I've asked her if she needs a wee and she screams no at me, says the potty is scary. She's in a foul mood. She's an outdoors girl so staying in is going to be torture for all parties here. I just don't know what else to do, I feel on the verge of tears because I feel awful she's not potty trained but feel awful I'm forcing her just because "she should be trained by now" is what my health visitor said and it's playing over and over in my head

Cold turkey. Nappies are gone - it’s going to be painful but you’ll get there. Good luck

@Baddaybigcloud we've just done cold turkey with the dummy and I thought that would be the hardest one yet but she didn't care at all. She was amazed the dummy fairy took it and thinks it's amazing.

But this potty training, my god🥲 she will save all her wee till a nappy goes on and within minutes the nappy is saturated. I just don't want her to be holding it in and getting a sore belly

Hmmm, she seems a determined young lady and maybe if she's a lively one she sees it as an inconvenience to stop what she's doing.

I think you could force her to accept this is going to happen but I think most change is more successful if you bring someone with you rather than metaphorically use the stick.

Personally I'd back off and revert to picture books where this is the topic, there are various, as you probably know anyway.
Some are about visualising learning the skill and what it means to succeed (visualising is an important psychological tool, so powerful that sports coaches use it with Olympic athletes).
Some are role modelling where you follow a character as they go through this and that taps into the 'making it relatable' part of our minds.

Then if you know any other little children who are happy using the potty, I'd see if she can see that example spending time with them, and see you giving that child a friendly 'well done, look at you'.

Some people just prefer to do things that they think is their idea (bar magical thinking involving fairies 😁), so the softer drip drip drip effect works better on them.

@WomenInConstruction oh she's lively. She's miss independent, her way or the high way. She is the sweetest little girl, but my god she knows her character😂

We've tried with her friend. When she goes to the toilet here we say "oh what a good girl she is. What a big girl. That's amazing" when my daughter had a wee on the potty yesterday me and my partner cheered her on, made a huge fuss. We've said when she has more wee's on the potty she can pick a very special toy of her choice. I'm trying to make an event of it

It all seems quite normal to me. You've just got to keep going. You don't have to stay inside. Have a wee on the potty, go out, arrive , whip out potty, pull down pants, say 'have a wee on the potty' if she hasn't had one after 45 seconds pants up. Move on with your day. In my experience they can't help but wee when it's cold anyway.

Obviously it's not ideal that you are asking her and she's shouting at you but it's not the end of the world. Just say 'talk to mammy in your ordinary voice' or something like you would in any situation,

Maybe that's your mistake (making a big fuss).

Her personality is a big part of this process (as with all kids and all processes).
And it's great having a very strong minded kid, they make brilliant adults but take some skill to parent as they tend to think they know best, or at least like to feel that way.

I think maybe you should make her think you're not that bothered and she really wants it?

And just time of course.
Right now maybe it's annoying to use the potty to her, that won't be true for much longer, so you could just wait... The end result will be the same.

When I say mistake, I don't mean an actual mistake btw... But parenting strategies are trial and error and you are learning who she is and what she responds to best.
So if nothing else you are getting to know your DD here and that's a good thing. 😁

If she's screaming no, then I'd perhaps stop and try again in another few weeks if she's saying she's scared and withholding going to the toilet. It's not worth making her scared and ill.

DC was 3 when they were potty trained (I learned not to force it from DC1) and dry day and night in a few days. This was because they wanted to do it as well as me.

I had issues with DC 3 (DC 1&2 lured me into false security as they were super easy and done and dusted by their 2nd birthdays). I reached out to health visitor who advised a woman called Rebecca Mottram and her method, quite no nonsense. No rewards or fuss. Just 'we use the toilet'. Accidents aren't treated with anger or anything, just an 'oh dear, next time use the toilet/ potty'. Took a few weeks and lots and LOTS of accidents but it clicked. We established she didn't like using the potty or being 'helped'. So it's easy to pull down leggings we leave the toilet seat reducer and step stool and she takes herself off now. Just shouts for us to help clean and wash her hands.

This is how we approached things with our 4. Just stopped using nappies and didn’t make a fuss. It worked in days with minimal accidents.

It's too much fuss and pressure to perform, the rewards are escalating and adding to it.

Instead I would take her to the toilet, "just to try," every 30mins, next day 40... If nothing happens, no problem, if something does "well done," if there's an accident just clean her up without fuss.

After a day of two start asking if she needs it, but still take her at regular intervals. Make it a routine visit rather than a big deal.

Hi! Solidarity- my daughter is the same (birthday in March, same age!) I've tried and tried but I have now resigned myself to the fact that when she is ready she will. Quite frankly there is a big difference in children who wait until they are ready to potty train than ones who are trained early who often take longer to grasp it (not all of course!) but every child is different. In my head, as long as she's trained by the end of 2025, which she will be- she's a smart girl, then I don't mind. Feel no pressure from the HV, recent guidelines have been put out to support potty training from an earlier age as children in general are being potty trained later and it's feeding into reception classes which is obviously very difficult to manage. I've worked in early years for a while and I've seen children potty trained as soon as they turn two all the way up to the end of preschool.

My advice is to read the book: Oh crap! Potty Training. I've used it with both of mine with great success. It's easy to read, simple advice and realistic in how to approach potty training.