2.5mo in - do we give up?!

[Blueowlnight]

How long do you persist?!

Daughter is 3 in November.
We have been potty training since end of July and I would say have had no progress for about 8 weeks.

She is great at poos - always knows, never has accidents. Perfect!

Wees are another story. She only seems to know she needs a wee once she’s started, at which point she holds and goes “I need a wee” and runs to the potty to finish. The last few weeks she has been getting wet knickers and not telling us. Not full accidents - tights aren’t wet - but her knickers are deffo wet. We go through multiple pairs of knickers every day. Maybe an accident needing a full change once every other day.

She is not bothered about being wet. We’ve tried stickers for dry knickers, choosing knickers she likes, lots of encouragement and praise when she gets it, a simple “next time we’re going to get it all in the potty” (knowing that of course that isn’t going to happen because it never does sigh). She also is very stubborn and will not go when we suggest she tries. It is so frustrating when she wees in her knickers minutes after these suggestion (though I try not to express this frustration - just turning it inwards like a good mother 🥴)

When do you stop persisting and just go back to nappies? There is so much washing, and the changes are so inconvenient when we’re out. I feel like I’m doing all the work of potty training (eg cleaning potties, taking to toilet out, dealing with pushback when we suggest she goes) and also all the work of nappy changing at the same time. I have a 4mo and it’s just too much work.

Is it worth asking her what she wants? Carry on and hope we see change? Just take the knickers away and go back to nappies?

Don't suggest she goes for a try, just take her and you go for a 'try' and then you put her on and she goes for a 'try' too sing a nursery rhyme so she's there a couple of minutes. Perhaps have a tap on slowly / filling the bowl for hand washing so it triggers it too. Time iy so it's a little while after food and drink and just before you leave the house / venue. Quite often our body gets into habit of going at the same rough times each day so use that to your advantage.

We have tried all the ways to say “we’re going to the toilet now” but she is very stubborn and we can’t tell her anything. Any hint of a demand and the immediate response is no.

The only thing that works is if we are out and I say “I need to go to the toilet, shall we go together?!” In an excited tone. She is much better when we’re out than when we’re home. We also have a “leaving the house” tick chart and it includes going to the potty, which works.

So don't do it as a demand. Do it the same way you do it when out. Or call it something different. I had stickers and DD got one small one to put on the bathroom tile for a wee or a bigger one for a poo. They were plasticy and could be wiped clean when cleaning the rest of the bathroom.

The other thing to consider is, is the potty accessible to her and comfortable? DD had one from Amazon that was a padded seat but had a built in steps / ladder and she could happily sit there for ages. Similar to this one She was less keen on the hard plastic one we started with.

We followed the 'oh crap' book method, which was fantastic! There might be some tips in there?
Two things from the book that come to mind...

1. You could try a couple of reset days - totally bare bottom, staying around the house, potty in the room. It might make her feel good to have a few 'wins'. Right now she might just be feeling so rubbish at it that she's given up.
2. Alternatively (and I know this won't be popular with everyone) if you think it's sheer stubbornness, the book suggests you could try a consequence. If you reminded her to go to the potty and she refused, only to have an accident, you could try taking away whatever she was playing with for 2 minutes. If it's become a battle of wills, right now she really doesn't care about the accident so there's not downside for her.

Honestly I wouldn't put her back in nappies unless you're literally doing it as a couple of days before a reset. But I think it will just confuse her at this point. And at nearly 3, the stubbornness is only going to get worse so better to get on top of it now.

(I say all this as the mother of a DS who has just turned three - beautifully potty trained at 2.5 in no time at all who has suddenly started resisting every request to use the potty, then it's all panic at the last minute - our plan now is to stop nagging him, but introduce a consequence for accidents, because we know full well he can do it when he's not being stubborn)

If I ask mine if he needs the potty he will always say no, and doesn’t often go on his own initiative either, so we have to tell him to go. Sometimes he goes without any argument, other times he will insist he doesn’t need to go when I know he does. What works pretty well is giving him the choice “do you want to go on the big toilet or little potty?” so “no” isn’t presented as an option. And if he’s still arguing I’ll say that he needs to wear a nappy then, shall we put a nappy on? And he never wants that!