Time to take a break / move to a more gradual approach?

[GinnyBee]

We ditched the nappies 2 weeks ago, doing two days naked at home and then commando for a week. He’s 28mo and has excellent communication for his age, and all the physical readiness signs. He goes to nursery 4 days a week and they’re fine with accidents and have supported him the best they can. For the first week he did all his poos in his pants, then last weekend we had some success with potty poos. And this Tuesday he came home from nursery wearing the same pants I put on in the morning! But since then we’ve had zero poos in the potty again, and many wee accidents too. I guess he’s doing ok with regular reminders and when he remembers he gets a sweet for going to the potty, but on the whole I just think he doesn’t care. He resists sitting on it often too, especially if he seems tired, saying he doesn’t want to go to potty or doesn’t need to go, and then 3 minutes later wees himself. And he’s so unbothered about having accidents. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I’m so tired. Weekdays are ok because he’s at nursery or the one day he isn’t is my husband’s day off. But weekends are so hard! My husband is working so I’m on my own all day Saturday and a big chunk of Sunday. And he’s at some sort of phase where he resists almost everything I suggest, and yesterday didn’t even get changed out of pjs until after lunch, so I can forget about going out anywhere when he won’t even get dressed. I’m trapped home with a toddler who needs constant supervision, and blackmail and bribery to go to the potty. But then when I ask if he wants to go back in nappies he says ‘no’ to that too.

Anyone else navigate something similar? How did it resolve? Is it time to take a break and put him back in nappy pants? In the two weeks we’ve had a few outings when I’ve put a nappy on again, and then took him to the potty or toilet to wherever we’ve been, and he’s gone for wees just fine and come home with a dry nappy. Except today when he did a massive poo, probably the one that didn’t come yesterday when I spent almost all day following him around carrying the potty because he kept looking for a place to poo but then couldn’t manage it when sat down. I don’t know what to do 😔

Not much useful to add! Mine is 27 months and started training just before age 2. We’ve weathered 2 2 week breaks where he just seemed to not want to deal with potty and then he went back to mostly dry (often an evening accident if we don’t prompt). Since September he’s been all over the place. Dry days, fully wet all day, responding to prompts or fully resisting. I gave up this weekend and put him back in nappy pants. I told him he can use the potty or not - up to him for now. I think I’ll give him a month or two and if he has a bit more interest we’ll go back to it. I don’t want him thinking it’s okay to wee in his clothes or in all kinds of creative places (which is why I know it’s not all accidents. He’ll whip his pants down and go somewhere he finds hilarious.)

No advice on the potty training but why is he in charge of whether he gets dressed and you go out? If you want to go out, it’s not an option. He gets dressed or you dress him
and get on with your day.

Thanks @Ellepff nice to hear someone else dealing with similar! I know people like to shout about successes more than struggles, but it feels like in my mum group with similar age kids all the others have just grasped it so quickly and mine is the only kid who doesn’t seem that bothered 🙄 probably not true though.

@WaneyEdge if there’s something I definitely want to go to, we do. But if I don’t actually have plans I often just leave it because I don’t like forcing him. He’s also so physically able now that it’s an actual challenge to get clothes on him if he doesn’t want it, and if I do manage to hold his legs down long about to pull some trousers on he can just take them off himself if he wants.

Fair enough. I had the same issue trying to get my dog into his waterproof today 🤣. As soon as I put one leg in, the other was out!

Today he came home from nursery with at least two sets of wee soaked pants, but I don’t know the full story because grandpa picked him up and had him for a couple of hours before dinner time. Apparently no accidents when he was over at theirs, but at home in the last 2 hours he’s peed himself three times. First one was 2 minutes after dad asked if he needs the potty and he said ‘no’, second one we might not have reminded him about but then after I’d moved him to sit on the potty mid-stream and he’d “finished” there with a drop or two, only a few minutes later he let out another big puddle on the bathroom floor literally right next to his potty 🤦🏼‍♀️

So I’m now pretty sure he’s just not getting it. He doesn’t recognise when he needs to go and then doesn’t know how to empty his bladder on the potty.

Is he not a bit young? I had more success when mine was closer to 3 than just turning 2

Well, the trend has shifted to training later since disposable nappies became available, but there’s also some evidence that kids that start potty training earlier have less bowel and bladder problems later on, and less bedwetting at 5yo. Both Eric, the UK Children’s Bowel and Bladder Charity, and the author of Oh Crap! Have said that the focus on waiting for the child to be ready has been a bit misunderstood and many are waiting too long. So I wanted to crack on with it since he does have the physical and language capabilities to be potty trained. I’m probably a little late as well and I wish I’d done my research earlier!

Hi OP. I think you’re in the time where you need to be a bit more firm.

We didn’t bribe with sweets but there was a lot of potty first then ‘thing toddler wants to do’. They were not allowed to do the thing unless they sat on the potty. We used to hold up our fingers and they had to sit on potty for a count down from10. If they got up we sat them back on it and reminded them they needed to try to use the potty before we could do the next thing that they wanted to do. If they refused then we couldn’t do the next thing.

I think you just have to get used to accidents tbh. Especially at nursery when they have lots of fun worth their friends.

We started just before DS turned 2 and there were lots of ups and downs. It probably took a year for us to have completely dry pants 99% of the time. A lot of those accidents were just a dribble rather than a full wee. Or there was a long time when he wouldn’t have any accidents at home but would at nursery.

You’ll get there, stick at it.

OP, it sounds like you may be putting a fair bit of pressure on DS and on yourself. I don't think you need to put him back in nappies, but I do think you are asking a lot of him by expecting him to independently recognise when he needs to go and tell you.

My DS2 is 29 months and we've been potty training for 10 days. Yesterday was the first day he had no accidents (yay!). There is absolutely no way he would respond "yes" to "do you need the potty?" and go independently yet.

However, if we sit him down on the potty and tell him it is potty time, he is quite capable of weeing and pooing and happy with himself now he's done it. So we just do that - before and after every meal, before and after any outings, and otherwise if we haven't done it for an hour or so.

We let him hold whatever toy he is playing with to the potty or sometimes play a video for him on our phones. To be fair, lots of adults look at their phones sitting on the loo! The first few wees he did on the potty we gave him a chocolate button.

We trained my older DS1 the same way and it kind of naturally progressed into him just saying when he needed the toilet. I don't remember the progression to be honest but he is nearly 5 now and I can't remember the last time he had any kind of accident - it must be more than a year ago.

DS2's childminder has been working in childcare for 15 years and supported about 40 children with toilet training, and she gets them sitting on the potty in a routine like this as well and doesn't push them to tell her when they need a wee.

But it's not working for you so 🤷‍♀️

Personally I'd forget everything you've ever read in a book and just go with your instincts.

With DS, we didn't even try to train until just after his third birthday and he got it basically overnight. Went straight to a toilet rather than ever using a potty, and we never did the whole naked on the bottom half thing, because it just isn't how real life works. Except for day 1 when he had a couple of wee accidents, there were never any others.

My little one is 28 months, and we've been going for about 6 weeks. In that time I've had to change my approach quite a lot. If I asked if she needed the toilet, she would never say yes, always no. So now we have made it part of routines. Sit on the potty before we go out, before a meal, before screen time etc. Etc. She's starting to sometimes say that she needs a wee, but it's nowhere near consistent. She has dry days a lot, because we get her to go fairly regularly. Sometimes she has incredibly resistant days, where she screams about it. Sometimes she has days with multiple accidents for seemingly no reason. Sometimes she will hold poo all day and do it in her nappy at night, and sometimes she poos fine. We have made the decision not to put a nappy back on except for sleep. It's definitely a slower process than I'd imagined, but the overall trend is upwards! I can't really advise as such, but thought sharing our experience might be helpful!

*Oh and FWIW, DS has also been completely dry at night since 2yo, far earlier than he was ever potty trained during the day. That's just how he was built, we didn't do anything. I can't see how there can realistically be any correlation when night dryness is hormonal.

Thanks all! I looked up some more advice yesterday and we're sticking with it for now and I've adjusted my expectations and approach a little bit. We won't be asking him anymore, but telling instead. I've also ordered the Oh Crap! book now so I can understand the method better than through condensed online articles that just explain some bullet points for how to do it.

I think the tendency to only share successes and sometimes overstate them has also made me stress about it more, as I feel like every 'real life' mum I've spoken to with similar age kids just had easy breezy experiences and their kids just got it really quickly, only having occasional accidents after a few days, and mine is the only one who isn't a superstar. 🙄

Good luck! I totally agree about only sharing successes.

I do remember getting extremely frustrated with potty training my older one. Now it's my second I am too busy to worry as much totally experienced and chilled😉

Fwiw I hated the tone of the Oh Crap! book and much preferred Sarah Ockwell Smith's potty training book, which at the core of it suggests doing pretty similar things to OC but just not in such a hectoring/guilt tripping way.

There isn’t much in oh crap that isn’t online, except for some bits about resets (she hates them but approves maybe one). And some bits about resistance. She’s very guilt trippy and harsh on parents and anti timers. I do think timers and routine help a LOT especially with littles. My 4yo has some sensory stuff going on but not identified till past 3 and was not dry most days till almost 4. It was basically overnight that it clicked.

2yo is at the point that 4yo was at a year ago, so I am hoping the reset/break and a restart will get him all the way there. I do think they are physically ready before they are mentally and emotionally ready for it to be all day every day.