3YO daily accidents 4months into training

[DontYouStartMadam]

Hi everyone. Sorry for this long one. I’ve been potty training my 3yo son for over 4 months now. He’s a very bright boy. He holds his pee all day at daycare, 6+ hours, and when we go out. He pees only in the potty when we return home but it takes a lot of coaxing and encouragement. Poo is a complete disaster so I’m not even touching on that now.

I have to take him to the potty every 1.5 hours or so and cajole him into sitting and trying to pee, since he will never independently go himself. I was hoping by 4 months we would be further along. I’ve tried leaving him to it and trusting he will tell me when he needs to go but he just doesn’t and wets himself.

The problem is that he is very capable of holding his pee, but he cannot be bothered going to the potty and we have at least one pee flood accident a day. He will only tell me he needs to pee when he’s doing it in his pants already. He’s gotten worse over the last few weeks than when we started and it was still novel and interesting. We have broader issues of defiance so getting him to the bathroom is a struggle in itself.

We used immense bribery (toys, chocolate) to get him on board with potty training to start with. Now he gets stickers on his chart for every successful pee with a reward at the end of the chart. He just doesn’t really care, maybe he did a little in the beginning. After several months of this I’ve now resorted to sanctions for big pee floods that could have been avoided (I.e. big pee despite me taking him to the potty 10 mins prior, or a big pee with no attempt to inform me or go to the potty himself). The only thing I could think to barter with him is screen time so now he gets no screens, TV until the next day.

Now he very quickly gets the TV taken away early on in the day, and adopts a “don’t give a damn” attitude for the rest of the day. I’m a bit lost now. I’ve told him that if he keeps messing his pants he will have to clean them himself but that just makes him hysterical. I really don’t want to put him back in nappies as he can hold his pee for many hours. Any advice here is welcomed.

It sounds like maybe you need to have a break and come back to it with a clean slate in a few weeks. If he builds up any negative connotations with it all then he will be less likely to use the potty / toilet. Does he have nappies on at any point during the day?

I'm not so sure that punishing accidents is the way to go. I'd heap on the praise when he does it right instead. But, it does also sound like he's not really potty trained. My DS trained late so I know the feeling but we had an unsuccessful attempt at 3 and 3.4 but he got it in two days when he was 3.6.

Would he stand at the toilet and pee standing up instead? You can put a ping pong ball in there or buy stickers for the bowl which can make it a bit more fun for him to engage in target practise whilst he goes too.

@QuestioningEveryLittleThing I have to put a nappy on him for his poo. Otherwise he has no problem pooing his pants. I put it on him when I notice he's about to go and take it off as soon as he's finished.
I've tried many things to get him to poo in the potty, even just sit on it with a nappy, or even come to the bathroom when he's pooing, all to no avail. No idea how to remedy this but that's another issue warranting it's own thread

@mynameiscalypso Yes I understand. I don't think I could praise him any more without throwing him an all out party every time he uses the potty 😂 I've arrived at the point of punishment out of sheer desperation as he will pee his pants with impunity multiple times a day and carry on without letting me know 🥲 I know he understands that it's not right as we've had many talks, read many books about it for months now.
In between your attempts, did you just put your DS back in nappies ?

@MolkosTeenageAngst I've not tried that, well I think I suggested it to him a few times and he just shut it down. I could try this

@DontYouStartMadam I have a stubborn child too so I totally get it! But yes, we went back to nappies in between and didn't even talk about the potty. For our successful attempt, I bought a playmobil set and wrapped up each bit individually so he got a present every time he sat on the potty (two for a poo!) which also seemed to help!

Do you think he could be constipated? My toddler was holding her poo for a while and this created wee accidents. The Eric website is a good place for information.

We have used cleaning themselves as a natural consequence of accidents. May not work for you if they are hysterical over the idea. It helps us because they have realised it is inconvenient to have an accident and they have to stop playing for clean up too. It is quicker to use the potty and get back to games

@mynameiscalypso I'm glad he got it fairly quickly in your last attempt ! Yes stubborn comes to mind with mine too ... I did the same thing with presents too. To get mine started I bought a box of party favours from Amazon, wrapped them individually and he got one for every successful pee. I was hoping by the end of the box he would be sorted. The things we do 🤦🏽‍♀️

No advisce. My second is / was like this. We've just persevered through but it's been brutal. Out of the house she's solid! But at home she just pisses herself. And like you, I don't even want to discuss the poos. She's very bright and no additional needs - she's very head strong. Stock the fridge with wine and just get through the next few months till he's 4? We found turning 4 solved all sorts of problems with our eldest.

For a start it sounds like you need to find a little more patience , he's only 3 and saying things like cleaning it himself isn't really what you should be saying to him....you need to be more encouraging and if he does have accidents then say to him (at his level) that it's ok it's an accident and it can be cleaned up you are doing really well and praise him...sounds like he started off well and he's just take a few steps back which is ok..he's still only 3 like I've said ...

I’d be having him help clean them yes. No reason why he can’t.

Natural consequences- pointing out if he hadn’t done it he could be watching TV/playing or whatever it is he likes doing instead. Now he has to wait until he’s finished cleaning.

I would go back to nappies for a month- he's not trained at all and then restart properly.

Ditch the current potty and the nappies. Get a stool and toddler seat for the toilet and start over. Maybe let him pick a fun loo mat for under his step and some fun soap for hand washing. Naked waist down all weekend, watch him like a hawk. As soon as you see his signs he's about to go, straight to the loo. Then a "after you've done your wee we'll can go and do xxx". Less of a song and dance reward, more of a get this done so we can do the fun thing. "Quick wee on the toilet and then we'll head off to the park". Any accident he still goes and sits for a minute on the loo and washes hands etc.

Get some fun pants and if he poops his pants. Then he helps you put it into the toilet and then throw the pants away. What a shame. If he wees in them then absolutely he can put them in the machine, and go and get the cleaning stuff.

Also does he see you/ his dad pooping and using the loo? I think that helps, mine liked to look down the toilet. They both pooped in the potty before we'd even started training. Whereas my shyer friend had the same issue as you- nappy needed for everyone poo.

My son kept having accidents even at 3. He was quite eloquent so he finally asked me to stop talking about his poo. I took it as a sign to back off potty training. A few months later he was (self) potty trained. No methods, no "training ". And yes, he was ready before reception. 1 month is a lifetime for kids. Perhaps back off a bit but always making the option available.
Oh nice terry cloth pants probably helped too in our case. Certainly for DD who the moment she wore pants she was so proud and happy that she pretty much potty trained herself well before 3, within a week or 2. Watching her brother probably helped. In other words, kids are different. Go with it a little