3 year old refuses to go on potty or toilet

CJ14 · 2024-07-12T08:01:55+00:00

Hi, just after a bit of advice really. My daughter just turned 3 last month, and we are back to potty training. Had a blip when she was 2.5 at nursery when we started training before and her key-worker put her on the potty in-front of others and it really scared her (she's quite shy and hasn't been used to an audience before as she's an only child at home). But fast forward to now and she's quite happy being back on the potty at nursery (occasional wees but mainly just sitting on it to get used to it again and build her confidence back up as it really was an issue). However, at home, she refuses to go anywhere near it or the toilet. I've bought a whole new potty that she chose herself, sticker charts, bribery, treats. It's just total regression to where we were 6 months ago when she would happily sit on the potty watching the TV or her tablet. She's absolutely fine and smashing everything else in life but this is a hurdle that I'm really struggling with for her. HELP!!!!!

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raysan · 12/07/2024 10:59

If she's 3, can she tell you?
Is it the same brand of potty, or could she choose one that she likes?
What is she wearing on bottom half - bare makes SUCH a difference for mine

Mukirinessly · 12/07/2024 11:11

She will get there. At age three she has the physical ability, no question. She’s also old enough to have a sensible conversation. Let her see you using the toilet, talk to her about big girl’s pants, use a star chart for very easy to reach targets, with a promise of a toy, as she achieves each step.

NuffSaidSam · 12/07/2024 11:13

Is she in pants or pull-ups?

InTheRainOnATrain · 12/07/2024 11:51

Are you, and nursery, actually training her? Like no more nappies and we use the potty/toilet? What method are you using and how long have you been at it for? I’m confused by the concept of building confidence and getting used to it as it’s one of those things that goes better when you’re clear and decisive that this is what we do now. I didn’t bring out the potty until the morning we started then I said no more nappies, put them in pants, pumped them full of juice, they got a small sweet for anything they did on the potty and they had to help with cleaning up accidents. They cottoned on pretty sharpish that it was better to use the potty. You also don’t want to build it up too much, it’s just a normal thing that all big boys and girls do, and definitely don’t cling to one incident of upset 6 months ago. There will be accidents, that’s fine. She also might be stubborn because she’s 3. Just stay calm and consistent and she’ll get there.

KnittedCardi · 12/07/2024 12:53

At three she will understand the concept. I would bypass the potty completely. Get an adjustable toilet seat. I didn't ever use a potty, and mine were much younger.

Put her in pants and let her wet herself. Sounds cruel, but it is action and consequence. She will get it really quickly.

Unicornmeabh · 12/07/2024 14:44

Same position. I'm on day 5. Daughter has been putting up a fight everytime I try and put her on the potty when she actually need a wee. She has sat on the potty when not needed a wee. We decided today to physically hold her on the potty when a wee was coming. She fought it but by the time the wee was coming she stayed on without us holding her. She was so pleased with herself afterwards. Controversial, we are rewarding with a chocolate button aswell. I feel you pain. We are willing to try anything at this point.
Let me know if you have any progress.

Mukirinessly · 12/07/2024 15:54

Unicornmeabh · 12/07/2024 14:44

Same position. I'm on day 5. Daughter has been putting up a fight everytime I try and put her on the potty when she actually need a wee. She has sat on the potty when not needed a wee. We decided today to physically hold her on the potty when a wee was coming. She fought it but by the time the wee was coming she stayed on without us holding her. She was so pleased with herself afterwards. Controversial, we are rewarding with a chocolate button aswell. I feel you pain. We are willing to try anything at this point.
Let me know if you have any progress.

I think you’re right to give a chocolate button. It’s a reward for desired behaviour and its not doing her any harm short term.

thatstakingalongtimetoboil · 12/07/2024 19:42

Have you just let her wet herself ? She really should want to be clean by this age. Maybe she needs to have accidents to realise

Unicornmeabh · 12/07/2024 21:42

thatstakingalongtimetoboil · 12/07/2024 19:42

Have you just let her wet herself ? She really should want to be clean by this age. Maybe she needs to have accidents to realise

Shes been mainly bottomless the past few days. I can see she get uncomfortable when she wees on herself or in her pants. so maybe it's just letting her get uncomfortable and then she will click that the potty is better. I'm hoping some progress will be made in the next few days.

RoseAndGeranium · 12/07/2024 21:53

KnittedCardi · 12/07/2024 12:53

At three she will understand the concept. I would bypass the potty completely. Get an adjustable toilet seat. I didn't ever use a potty, and mine were much younger.

Put her in pants and let her wet herself. Sounds cruel, but it is action and consequence. She will get it really quickly.

Agree wholeheartedly with this. Move straight to the toilet as long as you have a downstairs one — get a comfy, cushioned child seat and a little toddler step to make it nice for her — and take off the nappy so she can feel it when she has an accident. Most kids really don’t like this and adapt quickly. Take advantage of the warmer weather —fewer clothes to wash, and if you have a garden she can make some of the mess out there instead of on the carpets! Push through the first few tough days and you’ll see results within the week.

RoseAndGeranium · 12/07/2024 21:58

Unicornmeabh · 12/07/2024 14:44

Same position. I'm on day 5. Daughter has been putting up a fight everytime I try and put her on the potty when she actually need a wee. She has sat on the potty when not needed a wee. We decided today to physically hold her on the potty when a wee was coming. She fought it but by the time the wee was coming she stayed on without us holding her. She was so pleased with herself afterwards. Controversial, we are rewarding with a chocolate button aswell. I feel you pain. We are willing to try anything at this point.
Let me know if you have any progress.

I used chocolate buttons with both of mine and it worked a treat (sorry about the pun). It’s just for a little while and so long as it’s not part of a broader system of using food as a reward I don’t think it’s a big deal.

Original poster

CJ14 · 12/07/2024 23:49

Thanks for all of your replies!
She's in pull-ups, not nappies (answering from other questions).
I've tried knicker days and days when she is completely naked. She just cries when I ask her to sit on the potty. She's had accidents on the floor and she just says 'next time.'
She was having a bath the other day and she said she needed a wee and she didn't want to wee in the bath so I know she knows when she is going.

I've had conversations with her (as much as you can when they are 3) and she just says she will sit on it soon and 'in a minute' and 'soon'
I don't want to be harsh in my actions/reactions but I know I need to push harder with her. So any further advice.

OP posts:

InTheRainOnATrain · 13/07/2024 07:18

Pull ups are nappies just without the tabs and plus some fancy marketing. That mixed in with knicker days and bare bum days are going to be really confusing for her and it sounds like she’s got the impression it’s entirely optional hence all the ‘next time’ and ‘soon’ talk. You don’t need to be harsh! Just pick a method and be consistent. Do you have the Oh Crap book? It’s not the method I used but it doesn’t involve lots of sitting on the potty waiting, rather you wait for signs they really need it then direct the potty under them, often mid flow, until it clicks. So it might suit her??

separatedornot · 13/07/2024 07:21

A

separatedornot · 13/07/2024 07:23

CJ14 · 12/07/2024 23:49

Thanks for all of your replies!
She's in pull-ups, not nappies (answering from other questions).
I've tried knicker days and days when she is completely naked. She just cries when I ask her to sit on the potty. She's had accidents on the floor and she just says 'next time.'
She was having a bath the other day and she said she needed a wee and she didn't want to wee in the bath so I know she knows when she is going.

I've had conversations with her (as much as you can when they are 3) and she just says she will sit on it soon and 'in a minute' and 'soon'
I don't want to be harsh in my actions/reactions but I know I need to push harder with her. So any further advice.

Get the Oh Crap potty training book.

She's clear and concise and it's worked with both of mine.

You probably need a complete reset. And then start again properly.

Everything up until now just seems completely confusing to her.

Pull ups are nappies. Excellent marketing, shit product.

separatedornot · 13/07/2024 07:23

InTheRainOnATrain · 13/07/2024 07:18

Pull ups are nappies just without the tabs and plus some fancy marketing. That mixed in with knicker days and bare bum days are going to be really confusing for her and it sounds like she’s got the impression it’s entirely optional hence all the ‘next time’ and ‘soon’ talk. You don’t need to be harsh! Just pick a method and be consistent. Do you have the Oh Crap book? It’s not the method I used but it doesn’t involve lots of sitting on the potty waiting, rather you wait for signs they really need it then direct the potty under them, often mid flow, until it clicks. So it might suit her??

Cross posted!

boredaf · 13/07/2024 07:30

We tried potty training when my middle son just turned 3 last year, it was horrendous. He knew when he needed to go but got so scared of going and begged and cried for a nappy which then just ended up in him wetting himself.

We stopped and tried again 6 weeks later and it went so smoothly. Couple of accidents which was to be expected but he was no longer scared, it was enough time for him to get over whatever his hang up was about not having a nappy, he couldn’t explain why he was scared about it he’d just freak out when he needed to go. He just got it. I’d stop for a few weeks and try again.

Gettoachiro · 13/07/2024 07:49

I'd not use the pull ups anymore, go straight to knickers or bare bum.

Our little one has just turned 3 and is doing fabulously (fingers crossed!), I admit it was and still is a little worrying for me when out and about that we'll find a toilet in time if she says she needs a wee wee, but that's what spare clothes are for if we don't!