4 year old still won’t poo without nappy!

[Peaches1187]

Hi everyone. Hoping for some advice please, my son is almost 4 and still refuses to do a poo without a nappy. He’s been potty trained no accidents for about 9 months, (other than poos and night time) I am at a loss with what to do and getting worried now with school fast approaching. He’s basically got an issue with sitting down to go, I don’t think it’s the toilet that’s scaring him as he uses that all the time for wees. I’ve tried everything to tempt him, being really positive, mindful of language I’m using so as not to put pressure on etc but as soon as I suggest trying without a nappy he gets really upset and will just hold it in. Clearly I’ve gone wrong somewhere but I don’t know the best way to approach this as dont want to make things worse.

He will hold it in all day and then at bed time can’t settle until he goes, so this is where we’re at now:

A short while after dinner he goes on the potty (in the downstairs loo) with nothing on, I set him up with a few toys and after about 5 mins he has the urge to go (he tells me he needs a nappy, I suggest trying without, he gets upset, so on it goes) I do the nappy really loosely and have told him they’re getting a bit small now because he’s a big boy etc, I then leave the room and he tells me when he’s finished. I tip it down the toilet and ask him to help but he says no he doesn’t want to see it, I sit him on the toilet to clean him and he flushes. I’ve been encouraging as much as i can at every point but he freaks out at any suggestion out of his comfort zone.

Basically I don’t know whether I’m facilitating this by allowing him to wear a nappy as it’s become a habit. Do I just tell him no we can’t put a nappy on there are none left and hope he eventually just does it? Or is that the totally wrong thing to do? He does get really upset at any suggestion of not having a nappy on and my concern is he will just withhold until it becomes a problem. It’s taken us a long time to get him to this point so do fear him freaking out and taking a step back with this. His younger sibling is now potty training and doing really well including poos on the potty and toilet, I’d hoped when he saw that it might encourage him to have a go but it’s not made a difference at all.

Thanks if you’ve got this far reading it all!

I was at a talk by a paediatric bowel and bladder specialist and one of the things they suggested can help (they mentioned it particularly in relation to neurodivergent children but I see no reason why you couldn't try it) was getting them to sit on the potty/toilet to do the poo, but while still wearing the nappy. So basically to introduce the sitting part and get them used to that, while initially keeping the nappy if that's what currently feels safe to him.

My youngest was similar and where I live they go to school the September after their third birthday.

I wasn't worried about school because he would also hold it all day so there would be no accidents and decided it was just easier to let him keep going in a nappy.

He eventually decided one day a couple of months before he was five that he was going to do it on the toilet. Because he had been holding it it was harder for him to go and that's why he wanted the comfort of the nappy. After a few goes on the toilet it was much more frequent, and softer and much easier for him to go.

After ten poo on the toilet in a row he got to go to the toy shop to pick his own toy - we drew and coloured a poo chart in together that he delighted in ticking off.

Thank you for your reply! the problem I find is he then stands up when he’s about to go. Ive tried incentives to get him to sit down with a nappy on and do it, but he absolutely will not and I end up feeling like I’m pressuring him a lot which I’m trying not to do. Maybe I should be sitting him on the potty with a nappy on from the offset? But I’m pretty certain he would just stand up as soon as he’s about to do a poo. Is it just a case of having patience with that part, maybe one day he’ll do it without realising? He does get really into his imagination with the toys, I think that’s what relaxes him enough to want to go

I bought some chocolate ice creams for my three year old daughter for the freezer and let her know when she did a poo on the potty she could have one. She resisted for a couple more weeks and we reminded her everytime she did one in her nappy if she'd done it in her potty she could have had a chocolate ice cream, maybe next time, and then suddenly she took herself off and did a little one one day and was so proud of herself. I think the possibility of something she really wanted had been sitting in the back of her mind and she decided eventually to go for it.

This is a good idea. Also read poo goes to pool and.

I had the same issue - he would stand to go so the sitting in a nappy on the toilet never worked for us.

As long as they are sitting on the toilet happily, and are aware they will eventually go, we decided to stop pushing because it made him more upset and more likely to hold it so I would just sit him on the toilet before his bath to "try" for a poo no big deal if there was none (and there wasn't for the longest time) then one day he went and just kept going....

Withholding can be a really tricky problem. I would allow the nappies back with no comment or stress for about a month to allow things so settle, then give him the nappy with a hole cut out. Just make the progress gentle.

Were in the exact same position with our 3 year old son, wont poo sitting down, always wants a nappy to poo in standing up. Hes fully toilet trained doing wees on the toilet and dry at night. He will withold his poo for days on end if we dont give him a nappy.

My son did this when he was three - potty trained but would only poo in a nappy - and two things worked (he still remembers one of them!) I told him that if he did x amount of days pooing on the toilet, he could have any present he wanted; and then the nappies accidentally ran out and I didn’t buy any more.

They did accidentally run out - but I was only comfortable not buying more when he was really incentivised to stop using them and wanted to stop because he wanted the any toy. So he’d ask for a nappy and I’d say “remember you don’t have any nappies left - but you also really want to try the toilet for your toy!” And also I gave him a smaller treat each time he used the loo, like 15 mins of tv time.

Was tricky at nighttime because he still wasn’t dry though - and ended up waking him several times (or carrying him half asleep) to wee in the toilet.

But it almost killed two birds with one stone. Wasn’t easy though! But he REALLY wanted that toy!

It solved the pooing problem but after a while we started putting nighttime nappies on him again and he didn’t end up being totally dry at night until he was seven! Which v quite late. I’ve always wondered if they were related.

Also - when my son would sit on the toilet to try - I would put books and toys on the step stool in front of him to distract him.

He still likes to read on the toilet now!

The Eric website has a good section on witholding.
It's unusual for a 4 year old to have a potty

We had similar,but I think the cause was different (not liking the poo dropping in the loo/ potty) rather than preferring to stand so this might not work. First, we had the nappy on the potty, v close to bum but not really on (this may work for you, as if he stands it comes off?). Then we moved nappy down to the base of potty ( further from bum). Them we lined potty with something substantial but less than a nappy (eg paper towel). Then we moved to tissue. Obv each step quite slow. But it did work.

Hi @Peaches1187, I appreciate this is an old thread but do you have any update, please? We are going through the same, thank you!

I’m assuming you’ve tried all the normal stuff. This will work if you go slowly enough. Don’t try to skip ahead. Make sure at each stage he is comfortable. It will test your patience but it will work. I promise.

Get him to wear a nappy and then be in the bathroom when he poos.
Then get him to sit on the loo (with nappy on) when he poos.
Then cut a hole in the nappy and get him to poo whilst sitting on the loo.
Make the hole a little bigger each time.
Until it’s just the waste band.
Then no nappy.
Whatever you do don’t celebrate on the day of no nappy. Act like it’s been like that all along.

Have a secret celebration with whoever loves you enough to celebrate poo!

Hi, this feels like a life time ago I’d actually forgotten that this was a thing! I remember being so worried & stressed about it at the time. The only thing I can say is persevere! My son is absolutely fine going to the toilet now, he can’t even remember any of this. He’s in year 1, goes at school / at home anywhere. Still will get me to wipe though 😂 but will do it himself if at school. Just keep at it, don’t give up but also don’t put pressure on just keep everything positive (which i appreciate is easier said than done) but it will just click!! If you can get your child to do as much as he’s comfortable with, without tears, then that’s great. Keep consistent but don’t let it get to the point of battling back & forth, or them getting upset and stressed, even if one day you’ve gone a step forward it doesn’t undo everything if you give in a little the next time he goes if it’s causing stress etc. as long as you try again the next time and so forth. Also I think this is soooo common. At the time of writing this we were so close to turning a corner, felt like we weren’t making much progress but we were. Good luck! It does get better xx