How long to give a "ready" 3 Yr old before giving up? I'm feeling so down and at my wits end.

[3boys1girlandnotime]

I'm at my wits end. I've been trying to train my just 3 Yr old girl for 12 days now. She shows all the signs online for being "ready", she can pull up clothes, sit on the potty, knows when she's done a wee or poo and tells me she's done it and can hold it for a couple of hours. First couple of days she'd sit on the potty reading books desperate to get a wee on there to get a special sticker she wanted but held it until she burst and then I'd sit her on the potty mid flow to get some in and then reward her. It gradually went downhill when she saw a wee or poo in the potty, she seemed scared of what she saw and then had a day of not wanting to sit on it at all. Managed to overcome this with a toy sitting on the potty for a count of 5 and then she'd have a turn, she'll now sit on there counting to 10 and longer with bubbles etc happily but won't do anything on there.

She's still holding until she bursts but only let's a bit out and tells me she needs a wee, will sit on the potty after but won't let the rest out, wants new pants and then bursts a bit more later on, then will sit on the potty, says there's no more, gets clean pants and a few mins later bursts again. This goes on all day and she's not making any progress. I'm at my wits end. I've tried saying she can't have any more pants until she let's the rest out (but in a nice gentle way explaining why etc) but she can be naked until then and she's OK with that but it doesn't change the behaviour. I've tried pull ups and not changing them until she's let it all out which she doesn't like and keeps saying she wants big girl pants, still doesn't change the behaviour. She clearly wants to potty train but almost 2 weeks on I can't cope with the stress of her holding it and being uncomfortable, I'm worried for her health and the literally constant clean up, not just a few accidents all day. I also have other children to look after and my husband is shouting at me she's not getting anywhere and wants nappies back on her. Should I carry on, try a different method or go back to nappies? I don't know what to do, help!

It's concerning that your husband is shouting at you.

I wouldn’t go back to nappies. Your husband’s attitude is just lazy. If you know she has control of her bladder, which it seems she does, then it is time she is taught to use the toilet. Sometimes it takes a while because that’s just the nature of learning new skills.

Maybe try ditching the potty and going straight to the toilet with a little seat. Don’t help her change herself when she’s had an accident, talk her through doing it herself and she can help clean up anything else too.

My dd was a nightmare with the potty. We moved straight to the toilet when she was two and she got it straight away. Nights, not dry till five and a half though.

I don’t think she has control of her bladder or her sphincter. Control doesn’t mean only able to hold urine in, control also includes feeling the sensations that tell you are full or empty and being able to consciously relax and wee or poo.

Your DD isn’t showing any of those signs. She can’t tell if she is full or empty. She can’t consciously decide to relax to let wee or poo out.

She is trying very hard to please you by saying she is empty or she needs a wee…but it’s not corresponding to her actual state because she can’t feel it, so she is guessing in the hopes it will please you.

I would take all the pressure off, put the nappies back on and wait a few more months.

Thanks for all the comments so far, yes my husband is very lazy.

She won't sit on the toilet, I've tried that and have one of the special seats but still refuses so I haven't pushed that as she seemed too scared. She seems happy to sit on the potty though so I've gone with that.

Thank you, I have wondered the same thing if she's actually able to choose to let it go, she can clearly choose to hold it. She clearly wants to but I don't know of she physically can or is just scared of what she sees after she does and deliberately holding it.

I’m not sure she can choose to hold it. You mentioned:
“then will sit on the potty, says there's no more, gets clean pants and a few mins later bursts again”

If she were choosing to hold it, she would have not said there was no more. If you are choosing to hold it, you both feel some and are consciously keeping it in. She said she felt “no more” and then minutes later burst.

So yes, she is holding it in, but I am not convinced she knows she is doing it.

I think it is both physically can’t and also a bit scared of it all.
Id start with back to nappies and try and get her to just say what she is doing
“Mum I need a new nappy” “Ah is it a #1 or #2”? Have her name what she has done. Then if you can spot how she stands or if she pauses, try and engage her and say “you feeling a wee?” Try and see if she will say “oh I’m having a wee” or “a poo is coming out” or even a nod as some kids can’t talk and do the other. if she can start to identify and pay attention to her body while doing it with a nappy on comsistently the next step is to go to pull ups and then say “if you feel like wee or poo is coming…have a try on the potty for 2 mins.” Also no pressures. If it comes praise, if it doesn’t no big deal. Keep pressure off. Very few children get it straight away. Over time she will be better able to know when a wee or poo is definitely comimg. Only when she’s not going in a pull up for a few weeks would I swap to pants,

I agree.
There's no shame in going back to nappies and trying again later. Some children don't "get it" until they're much older - mine didn't - and all the "training" in the world can't force physical readiness.

Thanks for your replies again. I say she can choose to hold it as she hasn't so far had an accident when on the school run for siblings even though several times she's said she needs a wee just before but then run out of time. She's sat on the potty with nothing happening but when the clock hits a certain point we just have to leave the house. When we get back she'll say she needs a wee and either then do it on the floor straight away (holding some back) or sit on the potty saying the wee is "sleeping, not ready yet" and then burst a few minutes after.

She can definitely tell when she's doing it and it's too late to do anything about it, sometimes tell me when she needs it but just won't then release and then bursts later letting some and not all out.

With dd we made it a game. We asked what noise des a wee make? Followed by a ssssing noise. Also turned on a tap which encourages weeing. Poos, well she named hers in the potty - we had elephant poo, tiger poo after 1 striped exemple.

Good luck