3 year old - nothing working, what else to try

[Amy71452]

Hi bumping this out of a thread I've posted on the parenting section about wider challenges. We were recommended to potty train her before the new baby.

I've tried her in her choice of pants, bottomless on the toilet and the potty, taking her at 30 min intervals. Despite all this is seems coincidence has only brought the rare successes. Has anyone got any other tips as we have to train her before the baby comes in January

Diffferent country, they go to school here at 4. Nothing seemed to work. I was desperate. I remember myself standing in the kitchen, looking for advice on the internet after another wee accident. For whatever reason I said: 'You know you have to be toilet trained before going to school?' - Why? 'Well, because there are more than 20 kids in your class and your teacher is teaching, she doesn't have the time to leave the classroom to clean you up and give you a clean pull-up.' And then I saw in her eyes that it clicked... apparently she found me cleaning her very convenient and she realised it wasn't anymore...

Which ones sound upsetting, I want to try all of them, but not sure whats upset. Did you not panic waiting until nearly 4, were you trying before then?

Thank you we've had no nappies at all (apart from bedtime) since Friday, we've tried with and without pants for wetness but haven't had her initiate yet

Wow congratulations, I sure hope she decides soon if she doesn't get the hang of it in the next few days.

If you make a big thing about it, then you do more harm than good.
You're better off just having the potty available and completely ignoring it for a bit, and then maybe in the new year or whenever, book a week where you book nothing and mostly stay in. Keep nappy off and just let her go about bottomless and giving lots of nice drinks so she needs to pee. Completely ignore accidents or misses. Praise for using potty. Have a potty in the toilet too, and take her with you when you go to the toilet and then she goes on potty at same time.

Or maybe she might want to try using the actual toilet if she doesn't like the potty?

It will happen eventually.

It feels like this is what we've been doing this week, we've gone straight to the toilet with a special seat and have had the whole week off to try. If it takes the whole week we'll stick at it, I was just hoping something we'd done, which is what you said would have worked by now. Will it take the whole week to see any progress?

Have you had lots of talks with her about using the potty? Asking what she thinks, telling her the reasons why it would be good for her to use it. I find me and my daughter have our best talks when we're out walking the dog/on the car/having a bath.

Books are also helpful, we have lots of books, interactive books, books about what poo is, funny books.

Taking her to the toilet every 30 minutes just sounds mentally exhausting, she needs to learn to recognise when her body needs a wee or poo, if you are constantly taking her she won't have a chance to learn that.

Don't be afraid of accidents, it's normal and part of learning.

Sarah Ockwell-Smith's Gentle Potty Training book is good. I read Oh Crap and it was helpful but also stressed me out, so not sure I'd recommend that one.

I would ditch the potty and just use the toilet with an insert. She doesn't see mummy or daddy using a potty., does she?
Make a big deal of YOU being a big clever girl when you use the toilet.
If she needs a poo and is refusing then have some bubble mixture in a glass with a straw. Get her to blow the biggest bubbles. It uses the same muscle set as pushing out a poo.

Thank you! We're definitely prepared for accidents and have been using the oh crap book as the basis for our efforts, what does the gentle potty training book recommend, we'll probably not have chance to order it in before we're out of time.

Regarding talking, we've had plenty of chats and were kind of gearing up for this week, the plan was potty training but was ready for other changes depending on mumsnet recommendations as I worried we were going in the wrong order. She's ready emotionally we've talked about it bought pants, she knows what she needs to do. Just what she knows isn't connecting to what she's doing. I think it's a bit sad for her as she looks up to her big sister in lots of ways and wants to be doing this like her. She'll definitely be sad for a bit if it doesn't work this week, but I can't figure it out. She's definitely motivated otherwise she'd be resisting the constant toilet visits.

Sorry potty has been a poor choice of words from me to try and describe the process of going to the toilet, we've be using the toilet since the start. We have made a HUGE deal of any success, but it's been quite rare so it's hard to gain that progress. I'm deflated for her at the moment but will find the energy again tomorrow. I think we should be focusing on helping with poos as well so thanks for that advice we've been stuck with loads of drinks at the moment

My ds1 we tried just after he turned 3 he didn't get it at all and we gave up, he asked two weeks later and got it fairly well ( until he had a load of poo accidents thar turned out to be constipation issues!)

Check out the ERIC website for some ideas on what to try. We didn't use bribery or reward charts or anything. Just bought some pants and got her to help put the nappies away. We've always worn clothes so she can feel wet. And then never went back to nappies, however many accidents she had. Some days it must have been every wee was in her underwear, but then after about 2 weeks it really clicked and she started asking to go. Before then it had just been us prompting/taking her. Maybe see if you can get some successes in by putting her on the loo at times she will likely go - first thing, after meals, bedtime etc. Once she has had a few she will recognise the sensation.

Your nursery sound pretty useless as helping. I wouldn't be impressed with their attitude. But it's also possible she will get it more if she sees everyone else there going to the toilet.

Thank you, we're going to try with pants and some old joggers, stuff we kept when her sister was this age, hoping clothes will help today.

Our problem is we don't have two weeks, we were only able to book the one week off. I honestly don't know what's normal for support in nursery? Is there a discussion or expectation I should be having with them. I've mentioned it a few times and they've told us not to rush a start as she hadn't shown signs. But if we've started would they then support. I don't think they will due to their policies requiring quite a bit of confidence in the child. We do love the nursery beyond this, so even considering changing nursery isn't an option for us unless it gets desperate

My son was 3 years 8 months before he would even entertain sitting on the potty. We started just sitting on the potty every time I changed his pull up, then after about 2 weeks he went for a wee, then just kept going, took about a month before he was dry in pull ups consistently, 2 months before he would wear pants instead of pull ups and 3 months until he would poo on the potty or toilet. He was physically ready but not mentally ready. But he was dry almost immediately. And dry overnight most of the time as well. But I didn't put any expectations that he had to do anything at first, just got him used to sitting on it

I literally started on the Monday with pants and she went to the childminder as usual on Wednesday. For us taking her out of her usual routine for too long wasn't going to work. I know childminders are different but it isn't a 3 child setting so there were still accidents but no more than 2 a day in that first week there because she took her regularly.

Is she holding it longer? Because if she is holding it but needs taking to the toilet say every hour then nursery should be able to work with that. They most likely have a toileting routine so now it's just take her to the toilet instead of changing her nappy. The Eric website specifically advsises not to wait for signs of 'readiness' so for us we took a willingness to sit on the toilet and try as our only sign. https://eric.org.uk/potty-training/

Congratulations that this worked so well. She doesn't have any consistency yet. Yesterday she went over an hour without a wee but then had an accident 20 mins later. Nursery are accepting of accidents, but the policy won't allow for accidents every day for a whole week before they require a pause in training. I do think they should be more supportive, but I don't want to kick up a fuss as it's a fantastic place beyond this.

That's a bit frustrating but I get when you know they're good overall not wanting to rock the boat. For a lot of children it's going to take them longer than a week to fully grasp. We are 8 weeks in and still have an accident at nap time probably 75% of the time but she doesn't want to wear a nappy for her nap so we just have to change sheets regularly!

I really hope you have some success with clothes on today. Hopefully she'll dislike feeling wet and it will help something click.

@Amy71452 When you say you'll panic-what is so scary about waiting a little?

Yeah definitely going to take longer than a week at this rate.... Good news is she wants to get out of the clothes and she is helping with it, but the uncomfortable feeling hasn't triggered her to notice what causes the problem so we've still had no success, beyond a couple of times when we've sat her there. How do you keep the high energy and right emotion for this. It's been hard to keep her spirits up, she's felt quite sad about this, we've been super encouraging made it fun and rewarded her helping us, but it's quite demoralising for us and for her. We'll go again tomorrow, as there's progress in her wanting to change out of the clothes which is great news. Fingers crossed this is the start of the success

Because time isn't on our side, pretty much everyone on this thread had it done in 2 months, I'm terrified about having the baby and having to train. And I won't have DHs support to tag team when he goes back to work after paternity, even though he's a bit of leave left.

Its great you've had a little bit of success with her wanting to change out of wet clothes. I would keep prompting to use the toilet regularly, every 30-45 minutes. I used phrases like 'do you feel like there's a wee ready?', 'does your tummy feel like there is a poo in there?' Which sounds a bit ridiculous but I wanted her to understand that there was an internal sensation so she could associate the 2 things. And if she repeatedly said no and it was getting on to about 90 minutes I would stop asking and instead tell her it was time to try on the toilet.

But yes it is emotionally draining, the only thing I can say is that it's a phase, and (unless there are medical things going on) then she will get it eventually and won't still be in nappies for years to come.

Thank you again for the advice. Somehow she's woken up with a temperature and a bit of a fever. I don't know how, seen as she's not been out at all this week to pick up an illness.... we're going to have to hit pause for today.

When's the best time to resume? And how can we engage the nursery to help us? It's looking like this will be an after new baby challenge now. I've definitely let her down, but thanks all for the advice, there's definitely something in this thread that will make it click at somepoint

You haven’t let her down! It didn’t happen this time, that’s fine, time for a reset. And honestly I don’t think post new baby is an awful time to try- there will be more sitting around at home, you can maybe make a point of nappies for the baby whilst complimenting her on being such a big girl and that might spark something. Good luck, she will get there!

Why have you let her down? Because HER body isn't sending the signals it needs to trigger her knowing it's going to come? That's not a you issue.

Just tell her she's been so good trying but you're going to have a little break and you'll try again soon and then relax. When she's 16, no one will care how old she was when she potty trained.

Re nursery, tell them she largely dry but can they prompt her to go to the loo pls, and send in plenty of spares . Even once she's got it at home, shell have accidents at school because it's so fun

I hope you’re ok OP. I am just like you - a panicker and potty training was the hardest stage for me (so far!).
I don’t have any tips/tricks but I just wanted to send some reassurance and solidarity.
my eldest was 3 yrs 6 months before she entertained the idea properly (we had 2 failed attempts prior to this!) and to be honest, it wasn’t a quick process. It took a good 3-6 months before I could stop worrying about any accidents at all. But the good news was she took to being dry at night very quickly and I can count on one hand the amount of times she has wet the bed.

also for some more reassurance - she still had her dummy until 3 years 6 months also!