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Is your child ready for potty training at nursery? Here's the place for all your toilet training questions.

Potty training

3yo potty refusal

19 replies

rlew · 14/08/2023 15:48

Our very bright and articulate 3 year old still isn't potty trained and I am close to having a breakdown about it.
She has a history of constipation and then withholding due to painful poos. She's on daily laxatives.
We have had a potty and all the books, toys etc since she was almost 2. We have tried taking nappies away twice but only last a couple of days because she just cries and cries hysterically for a nappy, and holds her urine until she's in a nappy.
I am sooo lost at what to do. I know there's the school of thinking which says "take the nappies away and don't look back" but is it really normal for them to be that upset by it all? She will sit on the potty and toilet now (after months of encouragement) but as soon as she needs a wee or poo, wants a nappy on. I worry that each attempt has just traumatised her, but then worry that not forcing her to do it is just making it worse. Help!

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summerlass · 17/08/2023 23:26

Hi, I have exactly the same issue with my daughter! She has a huge fear of allowing herself to pee or poo outside her nappy.
I've also added a post on here about my situation. Let me know if your little one is the same:

I’m really hoping there is another parent who can relate / help…..
My daughter is currently 3years and 2months old and has a fear / phobia of doing any toilet outside of her nappy. She is currently in pull-ups as we moved away from nappies some time ago.
She is more than ready and has full bladder control. She has been dry at nights for months now so I now put her in pants at nights with no accidents at all and she has also started wearing them in the day too.
Some history…..
At 2-2.5yrs I started sitting her on a potty every night before her bath and she did it no problem but never once peed.
I tried many times to potty train her but she withholds her pee for long hours at a time and she has ended up with a minor urine infection twice from doing this.
She has full control of her bladder and has done so for a good 7-9 months.
She only ever pees standing up, and never does it sitting or in bed. She even refuses to pee in the bath! There is nothing that has created this fear, and she is always very upset when she has pee accidents in her pants in the day even though I tell her it’s ok.

One time when potty training her, she held her pee for so long, she could hold it no more and started to pee whilst sat on the potty and went to stand screaming in terror. It was awful 😢

Currently I sit her on the toilet for 5mins at a time, occupying her with books/toys. But she refuses to do anything and never has ‘accidents’ when playing as she has full control. (She only has accidents as sometimes forgets she has pants on during the day).
She receives a star every time she sits on toilet which leads to rewards.

Has anyone else experienced this fear? Can anyone help or provide advice on how to overcome a psychological block to peeing / pooing? It would be so much easier if it was a physical problem. How do you overcome a mental problem?

I’ve been told by HV and professionals not to push her and to go with her needs. So currently when she needs to pee or poo I have to put a pull up on her.
I’ve tried incentives of buying her what she wants and she watches her friends and me use the toilet. We read books and watch videos but nothing works.

She just has this strange awful fear. Please can anyone advise or help or relate?

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summerlass · 17/08/2023 23:27

My daughter has also suffered with occasional constipation and a couple of urine infections from holding in her pee/poo

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PissedOffNeighbour22 · 17/08/2023 23:38

My 3yr old DD has constipation issues too and is on laxido & lactulose for it. We're having no progress getting her potty trained and at our last visit to the doctors were told we absolutely must not try to potty train her until the constipation issue is solved.

Unfortunately there's no progress treating the constipation and I just can't see a time in the near future when she'll be potty trained which really worries me. But I can't imagine having to deal with the leaky poos in pants rather than nappies 🤢.

I never imagined it would be this difficult. I'm pretty sure my now 18mth DS will be potty trained first.

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rlew · 18/08/2023 09:56

@summerlass this sounds just like mt daughter except she just flat out won't put pants on. She just cries for a nappy. She will go bare bum for a while but as soon as she needs a wee or poo, cries and cries and holds her wee and poo.
To be fair the longest we've ever tried with no nappy at all is only 2 days but it ended in her hysterically crying while wetting herself after holding a wee in all day. It was awful. I'm struggling with the comments from people of "just take the nappies away" and I also read Oh Crap which made me feel like... crap! As it basically said it's a behaviour thing at this age and that we need to just take nappies away and power through. I so wanted to get her trained this summer as she's starting school nursery but I guess I've got to accept it.

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summerlass · 18/08/2023 10:47

@rlew
Hi, it’s easy for people to say just take the nappies away but unless you are dealing with a child that screams in huge distress they will never u detest and how it is.
when I tried to potty train my daughter she screamed hysterically when she finally peed on the potty as she couldn’t hold it anymore and I had her sat on it for a while doing activities with a little table in front. She tried to stand whilst peeing and was terrified by it all.
I’ve spoken to ERIC and they sent me some literature / videos to watch but they also told me not to force her. If I take her nappies away she holds her wee so long that she ends up with urine Infections! It’s honestly so hard.

how old exactly is your daughter? If you give me your email address I can share the literature that ERIC sent to me.

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summerlass · 18/08/2023 10:50

Hi @PissedOffNeighbour22

sorry to hear you are also having a hard time.
is your daughter a fussy eater? Does she drink enough fluid? My daughter occasionally suffers with constipation but I think it’s due to her being a very fussy eater and holding her pee / poo in for long periods of time.

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crackersforcheese · 18/08/2023 10:54

My son Is nearly 3 and mostly potty trained but we do have trouble with holding in poos! We started by just doing nappy free at home for a good month or so, so he was used to the potty but it did take a while for him to even entertain it. We use lots of stickers and bribes of kinder eggs etc. lots of prune pouches and things to help it not be painful! So sorry you're going through this! X

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Mindymomo · 18/08/2023 11:05

My first child was the same going to poo. Literally had to put a nappy on him, just for him to behind the sofa, do a poo and then he would take the nappy off. We gave up on potty and went straight to sitting on toilet, got books, food, snacks and activity table and we sat for around 2 hours with his feet in a stool. I knew he wanted to go, but he hated the feel of actually going to poo and wasn’t in pain. He did go and was fine, I told him if he wanted to go back to putting a nappy on he could, but we’d try the toilet first each day. It’s so hard and I sympathise. It definitely helped him seeing other children using the toilet and at playgroups we would stay in toilets just so he could watch other children go, weird I know and I did ask my friends first. Same with friends coming round, I’d take the children to the toilet and let him queue with them, I’d say who is going first, let another child go first, then say to my son your turn, whilst talking to him all the time.

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rlew · 18/08/2023 13:14

@summerlass it is so hard isn't it. It's so helpful to hear of other people going through it because we have beat ourselves up so much over this and feel like we must have done something wrong along the way for her to have this fear. She is petrified of doing a wee anywhere other than her nappy. It's so hard isn't it - I fully feel your pain. Our daughter is 3 years and 4 months

We've tried to get in touch with Eric but missed their call yesterday - it's hard when you're at work.

Is there a way I can message you privately with my email? Sorry I'm pretty new to Mumsnet

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PissedOffNeighbour22 · 18/08/2023 13:16

@summerlass Yes she's a very fussy eater. No problems with the fluid intake and will eat lots of fruit but you'd think we were forcefeeding her dog muck if we offer her a bit of veg!
She's better than she used to be but it's made little difference to the constipation issue.

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summerlass · 18/08/2023 13:50

@PissedOffNeighbour22 I can totally relate. Holding their poo when it’s needed can be a huge factor of the constipation. It really is so hard.

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Purtyburty · 05/03/2024 13:48

I feel like o could have written this post OP. Are there any updates?

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summerlass · 05/03/2024 17:29

@Purtyburty Ive personally not got my daughter to pee or poo yet on the potty or toilet. She is now 3yrs and 9months. She is in pants day and night with full bladder control but has a mental block / fear of doing any toilet outside her pull-up. I’ve tried all sorts but very difficult to overcome a mental fear.

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Purtyburty · 05/03/2024 17:45

@summerlass sorry to hear things haven't much improved. I suppose at least she is the control. Do you put a pull up on when she asks? Is she at school nursery?

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summerlass · 05/03/2024 17:56

@Purtyburty hi yes when she needs to go toilet she asks for a pull-up.
she is at a childminder but is due to start school in September. I’m stumped on how to get past this stage with her.

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Purtyburty · 05/03/2024 18:10

@summerlass i tried potty training using the no nappy method and had this reaction last September. She was 2.5. It was so traumatic over two days that i haven't thought about trying again until now. She will be 3 in a couple of weeks. I have asked her to sit on the potty at each nappy change really gently, but bare bottomed she is scared. She is mostly fine to sit on it when fully clothed.

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rlew · 05/03/2024 20:50

So our daughter is 4 next month and has been dry day and night now since september (day) and December (night). We had barely any accidents, and skipped the potty completely and went straight to toilet.
We went through the following stages:
wearing a pull up sat on the toilet for wees/poos
cutting holes in the pull-up of increasing sizes
putting an open pull up into the toilet, lower and lower down
once she had done a wee on the toilet once, she realised it was okay and same with poos although this too a bit longer.
Now that I look back, I just wish I hadn’t worried ao much.
ERIC were great though. We made sure we got her poos REALLY soft and consistent for a long time before hand too.
good luck and try not to worry (easier said than done) they will get there!!

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summerlass · 05/03/2024 20:54

@rlew Hey, really glad to see things have gone so well for you. My daughter still gets very scared at peeing in her pull-up on the toilet or potty. This is my next step also but just can’t get her comfortable enough to try. My plan was to follow your steps but still trying to get over this hurdle.
Good to hear you got there in the end 😊

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Purtyburty · 06/03/2024 21:04

@rlew so did your daughter wear pants until she asked to go to the toilet and then you gave her the nappy?

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