4 yo not potty trained

Sunshineclouds11 · 2023-07-21T20:52:03+00:00

Hi My sons 4, starting school in Sep and still in nappies. I have tried everything. Nothing has/is working. Reward charts, sweets, toys as an incentive just don't batter an eye lid. I think it may be more a sensory thing. I feel his nappy is his safety blanket, whenever I take it off, in the hope to keep it off he screams and won't settle until it's back on. I've tried putting underwear on, he just rips them off, underwear under nappy, not having it. He knows what the toilet is for, will sit on it with a nappy in, pretend to wee/poo, flush the toilet, wash his hands after. We do praise him for this and try each time to take the nappy off but it causes WW3. I've looked in ERIC website but not sure what else I can do! Any advise please! My goal is to get him on the toilet for starting in Sep! (School are fine if this isn't the case)

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Dcp · 21/07/2023 22:04

This may sound silly because you've probably already tried but my son is 2 (almost 3) and doing good with potty BUT he doesn't like to put his pants on at times. When he doesn't want to and it's morning I hide the nappies and say they're all gone and shops are closed. He'll be half naked or eventually put his pants on. I guess just get rid of the nappies and stay home for a few days?

inappropriateraspberry · 21/07/2023 22:21

I think you may have to go cold turkey. Get rid of the nappies and don't give him a choice. It will be a tough few days but he should get there. Do his friends not comment on him still wearing nappies?

cocksstrideintheevening · 21/07/2023 22:28

Have you been to see the dr? Will the school take him in nappies? They don't at ours and they have to call the parent in to change.

cocksstrideintheevening · 21/07/2023 22:28

Ignore me about the school comment

Temporaryname158 · 21/07/2023 22:31

My niece was the same what made her do it was my sister getting rid of all nappies. She could see where the nappies were stored was empty.

just do it and don’t buy more. He will be teased at school for wearing a nappy and called a baby which if he is neurotypical is not fair on him when you know this.

just get rid.

Original poster

Sunshineclouds11 · 21/07/2023 22:32

inappropriateraspberry · 21/07/2023 22:21

I think you may have to go cold turkey. Get rid of the nappies and don't give him a choice. It will be a tough few days but he should get there. Do his friends not comment on him still wearing nappies?

No, are kids at 4 that cruel? Thankfully we haven't come across any who are

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Original poster

Sunshineclouds11 · 21/07/2023 22:33

cocksstrideintheevening · 21/07/2023 22:28

Have you been to see the dr? Will the school take him in nappies? They don't at ours and they have to call the parent in to change.

We've seen a peads dr who knows he's still in nappies but we just got told he'll do it in his own time 🙃

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Original poster

Sunshineclouds11 · 21/07/2023 22:38

Temporaryname158 · 21/07/2023 22:31

My niece was the same what made her do it was my sister getting rid of all nappies. She could see where the nappies were stored was empty.

just do it and don’t buy more. He will be teased at school for wearing a nappy and called a baby which if he is neurotypical is not fair on him when you know this.

just get rid.

Of course it's unfair but we have tried so hard.
I haven't got rid/hid the nappies so I'll try this.

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jolaylasofia · 21/07/2023 23:45

honestly a 4 year old shouldn't be screaming and not settling over a nappy. have you had him assessed at all?

loyganroyal · 21/07/2023 23:48

Oh crap method works!

Original poster

Sunshineclouds11 · 22/07/2023 03:42

jolaylasofia · 21/07/2023 23:45

honestly a 4 year old shouldn't be screaming and not settling over a nappy. have you had him assessed at all?

We have yes.
No diagnosis much to my surprise.
There is deffo an element of additional needs

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starrynight21 · 22/07/2023 04:17

You really have to get rid of them. Not put them in another cupboard, nothing like that. You have to fully get rid of them so you can't access any. And when he screams, you stay calm and say there are no more nappies. You have to stay strong and don't react to his crying.

And yes , 4 year olds will be nasty about this. Don't set him up for this kind of experience.

Temporaryname158 · 22/07/2023 04:24

You mention ‘trying’ getting rid of the nappies. Just to clarify it must be a committed approach. They go, they don’t come back no matter the crying etc. my niece used the toilet or potty within a week after refusing totally but it took a lot of willpower from my sister due to tears and tantrums. If he thinks you’ll just give in then this is your problem.

you query if 4 year olds can be so cruel? Yes they can. You are still in a pre school setting so it’s unlikely to have happened (lots of kids are wearing nappies) and they aren’t stupid enough to do it in front of you but in a class of 30, some of whom may be a bit older if deferred a year, who have all been using the toilet for potentially several years (and none of whom will be wearing a nappy), you don’t think they’ll say something. Initially I’d expect this to be very direct to your son. Ie “why do you wear nappies?” “I thought only babies wear nappies my baby sister wears a nappy” but as year R develops this would become less inquisitive and more mean if they are aware of a classmate having a nappy changed

ZairWazAnOldLady · 22/07/2023 05:29

What do you mean that there is an element of SN? Is this physical, emotional or understanding? Can he hold his pee? Is he dry at night? What is his muscle tone like? Do you have a garden?

Lollipopsicle · 22/07/2023 05:30

starrynight21 · 22/07/2023 04:17

You really have to get rid of them. Not put them in another cupboard, nothing like that. You have to fully get rid of them so you can't access any. And when he screams, you stay calm and say there are no more nappies. You have to stay strong and don't react to his crying.

And yes , 4 year olds will be nasty about this. Don't set him up for this kind of experience.

I read this as "...get rid of HIM." A bit harsh @starrynight21, I thought.

LynetteScavo · 22/07/2023 06:05

If you're going to "run out" of nappies I would let him see that they are running out, and when they're gone say "no nappies like Mummy, no nappies like daddy." On repeat.

It sounds like this is an emotional need rather than physically being unable to be dry, and that he likes the sensory feel of having the security of a nappy. What happens when he goeswimming? Would he wear just swimming trunks in the garden if engaged in water play, to try to get him used to being without a nappy? What if you missed out pants and after a bath just put in PJs?

Ultimately stay positive and don't get upset if he tantrums for a nappy.

If all else fails, he won't be the first child ever to start Reception wearing nappies.
What have school said about him wearing nappies? It sounds like he's going to need some additional support from school in other areas as well?

msbevvy · 22/07/2023 06:44

He knows what the toilet is for, will sit on it with a nappy in, pretend to wee/poo, flush the toilet, wash his hands after. We do praise him for this and try each time to take the nappy off but it causes WW3.

Why do you praise him for sitting on the toilet with a nappy on? Surely this will confuse him even more.

Original poster

Sunshineclouds11 · 22/07/2023 07:04

starrynight21 · 22/07/2023 04:17

You really have to get rid of them. Not put them in another cupboard, nothing like that. You have to fully get rid of them so you can't access any. And when he screams, you stay calm and say there are no more nappies. You have to stay strong and don't react to his crying.

And yes , 4 year olds will be nasty about this. Don't set him up for this kind of experience.

Believe me I'm really trying to not 'set him up for this experience'

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Original poster

Sunshineclouds11 · 22/07/2023 07:06

ZairWazAnOldLady · 22/07/2023 05:29

What do you mean that there is an element of SN? Is this physical, emotional or understanding? Can he hold his pee? Is he dry at night? What is his muscle tone like? Do you have a garden?

We had an assessment for Autism.
He's been speech delayed, whilst ok now.
Understanding is much better now.
Muscle tone is fine, yes we have a garden.

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YourNameGoesHere · 22/07/2023 07:07

Agreed with others I'm afraid but at 4 the best approach is cold turkey. He's not stupid, he knows you will back down if the option to do so is there and given you've likely been attempting this for years he knows he will win and get to keep the nappies. Unfortunately cold turkey is the only way to do it so you won't give in again.

Original poster

Sunshineclouds11 · 22/07/2023 07:09

LynetteScavo · 22/07/2023 06:05

If you're going to "run out" of nappies I would let him see that they are running out, and when they're gone say "no nappies like Mummy, no nappies like daddy." On repeat.

It sounds like this is an emotional need rather than physically being unable to be dry, and that he likes the sensory feel of having the security of a nappy. What happens when he goeswimming? Would he wear just swimming trunks in the garden if engaged in water play, to try to get him used to being without a nappy? What if you missed out pants and after a bath just put in PJs?

Ultimately stay positive and don't get upset if he tantrums for a nappy.

If all else fails, he won't be the first child ever to start Reception wearing nappies.
What have school said about him wearing nappies? It sounds like he's going to need some additional support from school in other areas as well?

Yes 100% emotional.
Regards to swimming, he likes the swim nappies on.

School have been great about it, there is another child starting in nappies also.
Yeah he is going to need help in other areas.

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Original poster

Sunshineclouds11 · 22/07/2023 07:10

msbevvy · 22/07/2023 06:44

He knows what the toilet is for, will sit on it with a nappy in, pretend to wee/poo, flush the toilet, wash his hands after. We do praise him for this and try each time to take the nappy off but it causes WW3.

Why do you praise him for sitting on the toilet with a nappy on? Surely this will confuse him even more.

Yes possibly but we were trying to encourage it's a good thing. Understand this may be confusing but we don't sing for the hills in praise

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1AngelicFruitCake · 22/07/2023 07:19

I'm a Reception teacher. Don't put pressure on yourself and spoil your summer by worrying about this. If all else fails, he'll have to go in nappies. Yes other children may well comment, like another poster said 'Why are you wearing a nappy? I don't wear a nappy because I'm not a baby' etc.

I would let him know they're going and think of a treat. Try not to react when he screams or gets upset for a nappy, you're doing this to help him. Remind him that in Reception everyone wears underwear, so exciting he's going to be so big going to school and tell him all the good things with a 'but children don't wear nappies in reception'

If he wees on the floor get him to help you wipe it up so when he does do it in the toilet he sees how quick and easy it is.

Good luck, it's not the end of the world if he's in reception to start but hopefully he can be out of them this summer.

itispersonal · 22/07/2023 07:19

I would possibly say to them this is the last packet when they are gone they are gone! Rather than cold turkey!

However does he knows when he is wet or has poo'd? Does he tell you he needs changing ? As this is the first step really and knowing that a pain/fullness in belly means I need to go to the toilet.

Original poster

Sunshineclouds11 · 22/07/2023 07:22

1AngelicFruitCake · 22/07/2023 07:19

I'm a Reception teacher. Don't put pressure on yourself and spoil your summer by worrying about this. If all else fails, he'll have to go in nappies. Yes other children may well comment, like another poster said 'Why are you wearing a nappy? I don't wear a nappy because I'm not a baby' etc.

I would let him know they're going and think of a treat. Try not to react when he screams or gets upset for a nappy, you're doing this to help him. Remind him that in Reception everyone wears underwear, so exciting he's going to be so big going to school and tell him all the good things with a 'but children don't wear nappies in reception'

If he wees on the floor get him to help you wipe it up so when he does do it in the toilet he sees how quick and easy it is.

Good luck, it's not the end of the world if he's in reception to start but hopefully he can be out of them this summer.

Thank you.

I know, I'm getting worked up about it just trying to do the right thing for him but it seems impossible right now.

I will keep going in the hope we can do it!

Thankfully his new teacher has been great about it.

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