3.5 year old refuses to potty train

[KateInFrance13]

Hello all. I have come here as a last resort as I am absolutely at my wit's end now.
I am a mum of 4 boys (so I'm no stranger to potty training boys) my youngest will be 4 in October and I have been trying to potty train him for over a year.
The problem is he refuses to do it! I have had him sitting on the potty for over an hour on many occasions, when I know he needs to go and he just won't do it. He holds it in to the point of making himself ill with stomach pains. I had to take him to the doctors for laxatives before as he was crying in pain.
So, after that I left it alone for a few months and let him ask me, which he did, but still he'll sit on the potty and do nothing.
He can literally hold his pee and poop in all day long.
The toilet is not an option, for some reason he's scared and won't go near it.
He will however watch his brothers go out of curiosity, so he knows nothing scary happens with the toilet, he just won't go on it.
So, I feel like I've tried absolutely everything from bribery to reward charts to just leaving him be and still we're getting nowhere.
Any advice or ideas welcome.
Or, if you had a child like this and can at least reassure me that it won't be like this forever!
FYI we live in France and he started school a year ago and so all his peers use the school toilets, except for him.

Are you using pull ups? or nappies with cool characters such as Spiderman ?

I would suggest you go back to the horrible, boring , plain, white nappies. Even if you have to buy either super basic cheap or eco natural ones. Those which scream "baby nappy" , with straps on the side . The willingness to get out of nappy has to come from him, and playing a bit on his ego, might be something to try. You are not ridiculing him, but just stating a fact. So when you change him, lying flat on a baby mat, you ask him, "sweetie , please pass me the baby wipes". Or if you see a toy or hoodie that looks nice , and you can comment, oh that would be nice once you are a big boy. If he replies, he is, give a kiss, and just say, not yet , my love but soon, once you are out of nappies. Don't make fun of him, just casual comment on stages of life. pre-potty and post potty.

Also, don't make a big deal of the potty. Send him alone there, telling him to go and try, that you have dinner to prepare and that you will come later if needs you.

What does your paediatrician say?

He has pull ups, but not character ones, just plain ones.

Honestly, I've tried it all and more, he's just the most stubborn child I have ever met.

We don't have a paediatrician, but our family doctor says to not force it and let him work it out on his own.
His teacher says the same, he won't be in nappies forever! Of course that's true, I just really want to be done with them now.

He CAN do it, just won't.

Put him in pants and make him change himself every time (with some help).
Breezy "oh dear, you're wet let's change" and take him away from playing until he's changed.

Tried it, it doesn't work. He just holds everything in. Literally all day until I put him in a nappy at bedtime.

No nappy at bedtime either then. Plastic sheet on his bed and towel under his normal sheet. It's amazing he can hold a whole day of wee in, is he drinking enough?

Have you tried letting him pee outside? Like straight into a bush. Or even in the shower?

It is indeed amazing, I tell you, he is the most stubborn child. He drinks plenty.
Yes, I've tried outside, he won't do that either. He will pee in the bath.
The problem I have is that I don't want to force it, that gets us nowhere, I want him to want to do it himself.
If I force him, we'll end up at the doctors again.
This is psychological problem for sure.

He clearly has a phobia about bodily evacuation. In a nappy he's not at risk of losing himself. It's particularly difficult with poo apparently. I would lose the pull ups and use Terry nappy pants. They have plastic based covering so there's no leakage but they work like Terry nappies so there's no locking away the poo or pee. It's useful in getting them to feel wet but in a nappy...

Don't push it - if he's not ready, let it go. Some just aren't ready physiologically until aged five either. He needs to decide he's happy using the toilet or potty otherwise you're storing up trouble.

I feel your pain OP! My son turned 4 at the end of April and was exactly the same. He knew what to do and where to do it, but just wouldn't. Especially if he was doing something he didn't want to interrupt.
I tried everything! The thing that finally got him wanting to wear "big boy pants" and use the toilet, was firstly, getting a potty that looked like a miniature loo, complete with flush sound effects, so it became a bit of a novelty to do his business and then "flush". Then once he'd got used to that, I started casually pointing out to him that some of his friends at nursery (of a similar age) didn't wear nappies anymore because they were for babies. I'd also encourage him to go bottomless at home (not that he needed much persuading!) so that if he needed to go, it was easier for him plus if he did have an accident, he realised immediately (although beware of toddler poos in the garden!).
Later on in the process, I also found that "pant" type underwear made him feel like he was wearing a nappy, so I swapped him into trunk/boxer style pants which made a massive difference.
Sorry for the massively long winded post but I sympathise so much with your situation-I honestly had visions of my son starting secondary school, still in nappies- I just wanted/hoped to reassure you that it will just click.....eventually!

@KateInFrance13 how are you getting on now? We are in the same boat with our DD who is 4 in less than a month. Complete meltdowns and refuses to use the toilet at all. We've tried absolutely everything and are at our wits end. She will literally hold everything from breakfast until nighttime and then go in her nighttime pull up. Absolutely a psychological issue.

Hello, sorry you're experiencing this too, it is so stressful.
We have been making a little progress though. I had dropped the subject and stopped mentioning it, but offered either "big boy pants" or nappies every morning. I got a toilet training chart with tractors, which he loves and took him to the toy shop to choose a toy. I didn't buy it though, but explained than once he had filled all the boxes with stickers we would go together and buy the toy. Then one day, out of the blue, he announced he needed a poo! But, on the toilet,not the potty. So, this is a huge step forward, he's done a few poos on the toilet, but still holds in the pee.
Just keep being calm and patient I suppose, it will click eventually.

That's good to hear you're making progress @KateInFrance13, I think we need to slow it back down again and de-stress! Hopefully she will decide on her own soon she wants to be a 'big girl' 🤞🏼

@Summerx it's very slow progress, but better than nothing.
Definitely slow it down though, I think sometimes they just need to decide to do things in their own time. Once I left him alone and stopped mentioning toilets etc, he started to show interest and talk about it on his own.

@KateInFrance13 Our DD is very stubborn and independent so I'm hoping maybe she will do the same. If not I have no idea what else to try!

I hear you. DS is the most stubborn child I have ever met.
One day they'll do it, they won't be in nappies when they're 15 😆

🤣 very true!