Soiling and toilet refusal age 5

[Cornishbelle]

My cousins daughter has turned 5 start of march, and my cousin and his wife are at wits end with toileting issues it is causing a strain in the marriage. Just wondering if anyone has been through similar

Daughter refuses to let them go to the toilet with her but will not go by herself either until she is in the verge of wetting herself. She will often just wet herself or soil herself and not tell them until they notice her wet clothes. She says she knows she has done it but doesn't mind. She hates being cleaned up and has violent tantrums at times, she has even destroyed household items or scribbles on walls.

Last week she decided to empty all of the shampoo bottles out of the bathroom onto her bed (which is actually now just a mattress on the floor as she has broken two bed frames). This destruction is fairly regular now they are very anxious she just seems to want to do whatever she likes when she likes

My cousin thinks it's time to seek some help but his wife says that this is in the realms of normal behaviour for 4/5 year old. The stress of constant arguments about it means they rarely go out due to the wetting and are on the verge of separation quite honestly

Any ideas or advice would be so welcome, thanks for reading

It's time for some outside help. Encourage them to access support through GP

I'm with your DC, even if it is within the realms of normal behaviour she sounds as though she needs some support.

I'd be encouraging your DC to film one of her outbursts and show it to the GP.

Is she in school? Is she embarrassed at all of she were or soils herself in school?

Has your DC spoken to the Teacher and asked what they suggest about her behaviour?

@Cornishbelle I think I'd also suggest that your DC does this Ages & Stages assessmentt* and this SLT progress checker.

Both should say if she needs some support.

They both need to read the ERIC website and access their free help line.
They need to ask GP for a referral to the local continence service.
Children who have trouble with soiling or constipation wirh overflow are usually in constant pain. They fear the toilet and the associated distress, discomfort and anxiety.
They don't sleep well.
This is not within the bounds of normal development and this poor child is suffering.
Her parents should be getting help as a matter if urgency. This kind of problem can take years to solve and everyone needs to be on the same page.

I do agree with @endofthelinefinally. Not taking her to the GP is neglect in my view.

I wouldn't say breaking two beds and being overly violent is 'normal' behaviour for a 5 year old.

They need to seek support, and I would find it hard not to judge the parents if they didn't.

Maybe you could show your DC this thread?

Sounds like they need help with parenting skills.

It's 100% not normal behaviour for a 5 year old. She's in denial.

Wetting is commonly a consequence of faecal impaction due to obstruction and nerve damage. If it is due to bladder distension and overflow (often associated with impaction) there can be a UTI present as well. Anyone who has experienced UTI will know that this is very painful and distressing.
This poor child needs medical attention urgently to diagnose the problem and implement a treatment programme.
Treatment programmes need the adults to work as a team and to be totally on board with a long term programme.
They are going to have to make a huge effort to turn this around.

If it is due to bladder distension and overflow (often associated with impaction) there can be a UTI present as well. Anyone who has experienced UTI will know that this is very painful and distressing.

I hadn't though of the possibility of an infection but end is the MN expert on these things, I'd listen to what she has to say.

The toileting sounds like the lesser issue, control seems to be the issue. Time to see the gp