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Potty training

Is your child ready for potty training at nursery? Here's the place for all your toilet training questions.

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Original poster

Refusing timed toileting

22 replies

user19888891 · 25/02/2023 23:14

My 3yr2m old DD has been fully toilet trained for about six months. She very rarely has accidents and tells us when she needs the toilet.
Recently she has completely refused anyone asking her to go to the toilet- she absolutely refuses unless it’s her idea.
it’s getting so bad that we have missed several events (birthday parties, gymnastics classes etc) because she won’t go before we leave the house. This is sometimes at midday having not been since the night before. I’m too worried about her needing the toilet when we’re not close to one that we don’t go out. We are quite reliant on public transport so sometimes we are not close to a toilet for a long time.
I feel like I’ve tried everything except putting her back in nappies, which I am reluctant to do. I’ve tried positive encouragement, reward charts, telling her we can’t leave unless she goes, even tried threatening to remove treats and nothing works.
Any ideas how to get her on board with timed toileting?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

TeddyBeans · 25/02/2023 23:21

Why do you want her to go for a wee on demand? If she needs to go she'll let you know surely?

Original poster

user19888891 · 25/02/2023 23:23

Because if she’s not been for 16 hours and we are not going to be able to access a toilet for the next approx 1.5hours I want her to go before we have to leave

OP posts:

TeddyBeans · 25/02/2023 23:29

If she's not going for a wee for 16 hours you need to up her fluid intake or get her to the GP. That isn't normal for a 3 year old

Onnabugeisha · 25/02/2023 23:30

Sorry, but this is ridiculous. Refusing to take her to a birthday party because she won’t wee on demand before you leave the house is horrible to her. This is your worry, your issue and you’re imposing it on your DD. She’s potty trained, she will say when she needs to go. If she has an accident, she has one. That’s why you carry a bag with wipes, change of clothes and a plastic bag so you can do a quick change if the worst happens.

Thesearmsofmine · 25/02/2023 23:38

Does she wear a nappy at night? 16 hours is a long time not to go and I would be considering how much she is taking in and possibly a go visit to check for any issues.

Other than that, I wouldn’t expect her to go when you ask, let her tell you. Take spare clothes with you and go out. I use public transport, it’s no reason not to just go.

Original poster

user19888891 · 25/02/2023 23:40

This is maybe a silly question but how do you clean up if there’s an accident on the bus? Just carry some towels and mop up?

OP posts:

Original poster

user19888891 · 25/02/2023 23:46

also would you just leave them in wet or soiled clothes until you can reach a toilet? Or try to change on the bus?

OP posts:

effiesgoldwig · 26/02/2023 00:36

Maybe consider using a pull up if she won't go before you leave then you've got a back up?

I used to say we have to go for a "magic wee" which is one where you sit on the loo even if you don't need it and sometimes a magic one comes out that you didn't even know you needed.

DaisyCornflowerBlue · 26/02/2023 01:33

We use public transport to get around. From early on all family members had a "just in case" wee before leaving the house to encourage DD to go. As soon as we would get off the bus/tube/train we'd find a toilet, "just in case" but really, DD used to let us know if she needed to go. Long train journeys normally have a toilet on board. If she was very desperate we'd just get off the bus and find one. Appreciate we have a very regular service here which not everyone has.

16 hours without a wee is concerning though. How much does she drink through the day?

LadyJ2023 · 26/02/2023 01:37

Erm at the age your daughter is she will almost always know when she wants to wee not when you want her to. Your going to end up making her anxious and give problems that aren't needed to her. And yes exactly that a change of clothes and baby wipes isn't hard,large or heavy to carry around for odd accidents. I have 4 so I know so stop stressing there's really no need. The only thing that worries me is 16 hours she clearly isn't being given enough water etc to drink so maybe up that bit.

NuffSaidSam · 26/02/2023 01:45

I’m too worried about her needing the toilet when we’re not close to one that we don’t go out.

You need to get some help with this. This is not a healthy level of anxiety.

I'd also be looking into how much your DC is drinking because as others have said 16 hours without needing the toilet is too long. How many times is she weeing in 24 hours? Is she just going once a day? You can Google the colour of healthy wee, should be fairly light, I'd check your Dd's to see if it looks a healthy colour.

If she has an accident on the bus you wipe it up with tissues/wet wipes and then get off at the next stop and change her clothes. You can take something for her to sit on to protect the seat, a puppy training pad is good! If she never has accidents and tells you when she needs the toilet, I'm not sure why you're so convinced she's going to have an accident? It seems to be a worry that is massively out of proportion to the likelihood of it happening.

DPotter · 26/02/2023 02:44

I'm sorry to say I agree with other posters - you really are showing a lot of anxiety for a situation which your DD seems to have under control. Drop the concept of time toileting - it's not working for your DD and it's not working for you. There are other ways to support a child through the final stages of toilet training and arguing with them about when they 'go' is not one of them.

May I suggest you invest in a portable potty for the bus to reduce your anxiety levels and give your DD more fluids. Keep wipes and a spare set of pants & leggings in your bag, with a nappy bag for the rubbish and you're sorted.

Sparklingmoonshine · 26/02/2023 03:02

I agree with what everyone else had said.
Buy a potable potty. Carry it with spare clothes in a little bag/backpack when you go out, they don’t take up much room.
Stop - immediately, the timed toileting as you’ve called it. You’re going to cause her anxiety around using the toilet.
If she wants to go when out, you ask her to try & hang on until you find a toilet - this is part of toilet training- being able to hang on for a few minutes, and as we get older obviously we can wait longer, & longer etc…- unless medical issues, but for the majority of people we need to learn to wait a little for using a toilet, either we’re not right by one, or there’s a massive queue for a public one !
Your approach is psychologically unhealthy.

You do not put her back in nappies, do not do anything actually- just take all pressure/focus off toilet training. She sounds like she’s doing fabulously well on her own. If she has an accident- clean her up with a no fuss approach.
And perhaps work on your own anxiety, are you this controlling over everything with her ? - I truly mean that in a kind & concerned way. Not being horrible.
I have many many years of experience by the way.
Just relax a bit !!

TyneTeas · 26/02/2023 03:13

I don't think it is unreasonable to get a child into the habit of going to the toilet before they need it if they are going out and a toilet won't be available for a while.

She is very little and has done well to know when she needs to go when her bladder is full, but the next step is surely understand that sometimes you need to empty an unfull bladder.

ToLongToCharge · 26/02/2023 03:16

Could you go to the toilet on demand OP?

MrsSamR · 26/02/2023 05:44

Can't you get a travel potty and take it with you? That's what we do and then you can just use it whenever/wherever you need to!

WandaWonder · 26/02/2023 05:48

If you carry on like this you probend up with more issues, just leave it

Onnabugeisha · 26/02/2023 08:18

user19888891 · 25/02/2023 23:40

This is maybe a silly question but how do you clean up if there’s an accident on the bus? Just carry some towels and mop up?

I’ve found it mostly runs down their legs and into their socks. They don’t usually wee enough to create a pond of wee.

Onnabugeisha · 26/02/2023 08:19

user19888891 · 25/02/2023 23:46

also would you just leave them in wet or soiled clothes until you can reach a toilet? Or try to change on the bus?

I’d push the button for next stop, hop off and go behind a bush or garden wall or down the side of a building and do a quick change.

Onnabugeisha · 26/02/2023 08:24

And plus side is if they have an accident when out, they are more likely to have the idea to try before a long journey….as you say she will do it if it is her idea. You just can’t get anxious about it or worry. Take supplies so you can handle it as accidents do happen.

Mine only had a few accidents each, can count on one hand per child. So it’s not frequent and not a big deal. Most people around you will know exactly what it is like and be silently supporting you. I think funniest one was on an aeroplane during take off when you can’t get out of your seat! I had to flip the seat cushion over, change clothes and all that as soon as the seatbelt sign went off.

WimpoleHat · 26/02/2023 08:38

I agree with @Onnabugeisha - it’s having an accident or near miss when out which gets them to understand why you suggest “let’s go before we go”. Not unreasonable to try and get her into the habit - not at all - but I wouldn’t make too big a deal of it.

mads2750 · 26/02/2023 08:44

I usually ask my daughter if she needs a wee before we go out (and before bed) but we don't not go out if she doesn't do one.

I have used the idea of a 'tactical wee' from Bluey (Fruitbat episode) for encouraging a wee before bed. But I don't make a big deal out of it if she doesn't want to go.

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