Feel useless, can't potty train 4.5yo

[Bexs106]

Hi all,
I feel embarrassed writing this but I just don't know what else to do. My third little one starts school in Sept and she just won't even contemplate using a potty or toilet. She is petrified. We tried before when she was 3, but we had the same issue. Her nursery actually recommended putting her back in nappies and to try again. She was severely constipated and ended up with a UTI. Well here we are again 12 months later and zero success. She is either holding her wee for 12+ hours (yes, that long!) or just wets herself. She won't even sit on the potty with her clothes on, let alone with no trousers. And she won't dare even look at the toilet. We are using the tried and tested sticker chart, rewards, have made it fun, she's picked her own knickers and potty, you name it, we've tried it. She has always seen us use the toilet, it's always been a natural and normal thing. I've even had her 9yo sister sat on the potty showing her it's ok. It's beginning to feel like she's got a genuine phobia. But I'm not sure if it's of the potty, or the sensation of 'letting go'. She hasn't had a poo for 4 days now. I know we will probably end up back at the doctors. It feels so cruel to continue but equally I don't know how much longer we can leave it. I've asked for help from professionals who have confirmed there's no medical reason for it, and said we've "just got to go for it." At the moment I'm in tears feeling like I've failed her, so if anyone has anything they can suggest please let me know. I feel desperate. 😪

Have you tried the Eric website they are a great charity and have helped a few families I have worked with.

Try not to panic, Go to the doctor, there is probably not a whole lot they will do until your child is 5 then they can refer to the continence nurse.
Until then you need to reframe your goal, undies during school time and a nappies on as soon as she gets in and right before she leaves in the morning. This way she will still get encoragement by seeing her peers go and may be tempted to use the toilet but won't cause damage to herself by holding for 12+ hours. The important thing here is that she is able to relax and go. This will also make things less embarresing when she starts school.
Make sure she sees you and her sister on the toilet, a good time for this is when she's in the bath and read a lot of stories about potty training to normalise it all.

I am not hugely knowledgeable(others will be along shortly I am sure) You managed it with 2 kids already! So there’s probably something amiss here.

At this age she can express herself so what is going on for her?

Personally, I would seek professional help and go via GP but also look at self funded / private options (as I’d want this resolved sooner rather than later)

Good luck

Mine was similar. It’s so stressful when they can hold on for so long.
Ask for movicol prescription to stop constipation. Give lots of fluids.
Put potty in her room so it’s private and perhaps another somewhere private or in bathroom. If you see her heading off in potty direction leave well alone.
Drop the rope- rewards etc were too much pressure for my DC.
Just leave her to it.

You've not failed her, don't worry all kids are different. You've done it twice before so it's clearly not something you are doing!

It took me a year to train mine too btw, also after training 2 other DC quickly.
I think it was anxiety related but at the time I wondered if her nerves weren’t sensing when her bladder was full. That’s why we pushed fluids to get a strong signal- the main thing was giving her total privacy though and no comments.

Read the ERIC website and speak to them on their free helpline. Some GPs are helpful with this problem and others have no idea. If you have already been to the GP and haven't got a proper regimen going I would assume that your GP isn't really up to speed.
Google the Poo Nurses and watch the video right to the end.
This sounds very much like chronic constipation/impaction. This creates a deep seated fear of the toilet/potty, with-holding, loss of sensation and loss of bladder and bowel control.
This is always a family problem and requires consistency and dedication to resolve. There is no quick fix and research has shown that the problem usually takes at least twice as long to fix as it has existed, so you need to be prepared to work through bladder and bowel management for years.
If you approach it positively and methodically it can be fixed.

Have any additional needs, like autism which can be harder to identify in girls been ruled out?

Assuming not and this is the only sign she has additional needs...:

Tell her you've run out of nappies. She has the choice of using potty ot toilet.
I'd stop making a fuss, she might want some privacy and I'd just make it as something she does rather than stickers etc.
A boy started school in nappies when I was in reception and he was still teased about it in secondary. You really don't want her to start in nappies. It might motivate her if you tell her the other children will think she's a baby/ make fun. Better than her starting and them actually making fun! My 4 year old would probably tell those taunting your child is disabled and it isn't nice, but that isn't ideal if your child isn't and probably wouldn't stop them being teased anyway.

@Bexs106

Hi OP,
Sorry to reactivate an old thread, was just wondering what happened with your little one and potty training? I'm going through similar at the moment with DS seemingly having anxiety of 'letting it go', though my DS isn't adverse to sitting on the potty most of the time. This will be the 4th time trying to potty train him (once at 2, then 2.5, then 3 and now here we are at 3.5). I've got a year until he starts school which I've had many people say that's ages away but I'm genuinely concerned he won't be toilet trained by then. Any advice you might have from your journey would be much appreciated.