4-year-old DS having accidents

[sunnyfields25]

Hi

DS turned 4 in May and will be starting school in September. Toilet training has been a long and bumpy road, and it's never felt like he fully 'got it'.

Things aren't too bad at home - the odd wee accident here and there but most of the time he'll take himself off to the toilet (although not sure how much of that is because I'm constantly asking him). Nursery is another story though, pretty much everyday he comes home with plastic bags full of wet clothes. On bad days he will also have several poo accidents. We had to bin several items after yesterday's session as they were ruined.

We've tried talking to him about the importance of going to the toilet at nursery, tried praising him when he goes at home, had a word with the staff who are all keeping a close eye on him. But it doesn't stop the accidents, and he will poo in his pants and then happily carry on playing.

I can't work out how much of it is that he doesn't want to miss out on playing/is too distracted. Or how much of it is a fear of using the nursery toilets.

Pretty much run out of ideas and I'm getting so worried he'll carry on having numerous accidents once he starts school.

Has anyone had a similar issue with a preschooler and if so, did you find anything that worked?

Thanks in advance for any help!

F

No advice really but I had this with my ds. I think it's quite common for children to have accidents in infants, I know my ds often came home with new pants on right up until year 3...!

I don't like to generalise but I do think boys can be quite lazy at this sort of thing. In my experience ds would be too busy playing to make time for the toilet and then he'd either have an accident or he'd become so constipated that we'd have the issue of feacal leakage which went on for years. It's not great but at your son's age I wouldn't worry too much as it's very common.

My DS was the same. No strategies for you unfortunately, just to say you aren't alone. I found with my DS he would get so absorbed in an activity he would forget to go, also he really didn't seem bothered about being wet. Once he started reception it gradually stopped, but he had 'accidents' right through nursery. I think it's one of those things that 'clicks' when a child is ready and some are just later than others.

Thanks both, well it's reassuring to know it's not just us! I know what you mean, I suspect part of it is laziness. It wouldn't be quite so bad if, once he'd had an accident, he would tell someone so that we could get him changed. But as I say he will just carry on playing with poo in his pants

I'm just hoping that once he's at school and perhaps sees other children going to use the toilet, he might want to be more like them and will try harder to let someone know.

My daughter has just finished reception and she had regular accidents at school due to her being so absorbed in what she was doing. She's now just 5 and it's getting less and less frequent - so once every few weeks now. She's also begun to be embarrassed by her accidents and so that's focused her efforts!

Don't know if it will be the case with your DS, but when we focused on when accidents happened we found that wee accidents tended to happen when he hadn't pooed for a while. I think he was withholding poo, and getting constipated, which then put pressure on his bladder, and made it harder for him to tell when he needed a wee.

For us, once we got on top of poos, wee accidents stopped by themselves. We upped his fruit intake, and encouraged him (with sweet bribery) to sit for a poo each evening at home (he stands for wees). He still sometimes needs prompting for poo, but as long as we do that at home, he's fine with wees at nursery.

That's all reassuring, thank you both

It's interesting about the witholding poo as I think that's exactly what's happening with DS! In fact a while ago he did end up badly constipated and we had to get some medicine from the GP to get things moving again. For some unknown reason he will never poo at nursery, and as soon as he gets home he has to go straight to the toilet where it all comes exploding out (sorry!). It's clear he's been holding it in all day. So I assume that when he has the accidents it's because he can't hold it all in anymore or, as you say, can no longer tell he needs a wee.

I think getting him to stop witholding his poo may be the key to this whole thing, but both we and the nursery staff are at a bit of a loss!

Sorry, I don’t have time to write a detailed post, but please go to the website of ERIC - the child continence charity. A wealth of useful info there. Also, Health Unlocked as forums specifically for parents with children who have similar issues. My son eventually grew out of his urinary issues at 8 years old.

www.eric.org.uk is the excellent website mentioned above.

I could have written this! Ds accidents at nursery and with holding poo, laxido etc. Just to reassure hes now 5 and just finished reception, no more accidents but I keep on top of his diet to ensure not constipated.

Thanks for the tip about the ERIC website, I'll have a look at that now . We've upped the fruit intake too!

My now 8 year old was terrible. She would not want to stop what she was doing to go to the toilet and would just wet her pants.

We had her see by a continence nurse and nothing was wrong physically.

We just made the decision that we had to let her get there on her own as nothing we did helped.

She had accidents throughout prep and gradually stopped. First step was that she would actually try to get to the toilet but was sometimes too late, then she started making more of an effort to get to the toilet on time.

Take away the feeling of it being your responsibility because there really isn't anything you can do to force them.

Our daughter was night trained well before she day trained so it wasn't that she couldn't, she just wouldn't but once she made the commitment she stopped having accidents really quickly.

She was later diagnosed with ADHD so this did play a part in it for us too.

Thanks @StoppinBy, that's interesting to read. It would be quite liberating to stop trying to control whether DS has any accidents. I always feel it's my responsibility to make sure he doesn't, but maybe that's where I'm going wrong! It makes every day quite stressful and I'm not sure it makes a difference anyway.

Something that may help is to try really hard not to make any kind of disapproving sounds or sighing or anything like that when you find he needs changing, and just be neutral and factual. And when he tells you, to be positive and happy. Something I noticed with my 3 year old niece is she doesn't tell you when she has had an accident because she doesn't want to be in trouble, and if you ask her if she has had one she vigorously denies it and cries. Because she wants that to be true. If you can get him to be happy to tell you as soon as he has had one it will be so much easier. Turning a poo out of pants into the toilet is much easier when it has just been done and is well shaped, if it has been in there a while with the child walking around and sitting down etc so it is all mushed up all over pants and bottom it is much, much more unpleasant and difficult! And worse washing. Plus if he tells you when only a little bit has come out you may have time to get him to the toilet before the rest makes an appearance.

Thanks @KangarooSally, that's really good advice and has made me realise that actually I've taken my eye off the ball when it comes to keeping my reactions in check.

I always used to make lots of effort to remain neutral and not give the impression that DS had done anything wrong in having an accident. But I must admit that after over a year of dealing with the accidents, and now with constant explosive nappies from DS's baby sister to deal with, I do sometimes let my frustration be seen. It's mostly when DS is starting to look fidgety and I ask if he needs the toilet, and he swears he doesn't, but then proceeds to have an accident. I find it so difficult to pretend it's not a problem. Because if he'd just gone and sat on the toilet when I asked then it wouldn't have happened. I would never tell him off but I'm sure there is sighing and visible frustration.

But you're right, the more I react badly to an accident, the less likely he is to tell me, and the bigger the clean-up operation!