Desperate for help with 3y5m old

[Catchthepigeons]

My dd is point blank refusing any potty/toilet training. This has been going on for around a year now. I've gently tried with pottys, toilets, books, videos, stickers, bribes, new toys, new Knickers of her choosing and nothing works.

I've just tried this evening to sit her on her toilet and she stiffens herself so she can't be seated.

She understands what the toilet is, can describe what to do when someone goes to the toilet and pretends her toys are going through the motions but as soon as she is involved it descends into complete hysterics. I'll add I don't keep on at the potty training, I bring it up every couple of months to see how she reacts but she's getting older now and is still completely refusing to engage with any of it.

She is terrified of not having a nappy on. I'm not sure how to tackle this. Has anyone had an absolute refuser like this?

I don't have any expeirence but to offer, but I was reading the other day, about how children are potty training later tgese, days because nappies are so much better. Could you perhaps switch to towelling ones so that she feels discomfort in them and the potty seems the preferable option?

By not having the nappy on do you mean terrified of wearing pants?

• when you say "her" toilet do you mean "the" toilet or a potty? My DD hated using a potty and would only use the toilet?

• when you say you "don't keep it up" how consistent have you been? My DD wasn't interested until over a weekend nappy was off pants were on and filled her up with a fruit shoot and every 20 mins I took her to the loo - we didn't leave the house for 3 days? Maybe an intensive few days might do it?

Thank you @Cam2020, I hadn't considered that aspect of this.

She's not scared of the pants, she's happily worn them over the nappy. It's more not having the nappy on. Even during nappy changes, if I'm grabbing more wipes or something she gets antsy and asks for a clean nappy. She became hysterical at bath time for a long time too when taking her nappy off, so now I have to put her in the bath with her nappy on and say oops look it's all full, and then she'll continue the bath with it off. It even extends into play too, so when the weather was nice I had our paddling pool all set up, but she refused to take her nappy off to put her swimsuit on.

She seems genuinely anxious at not having a nappy on. I don't know how to fix this and it makes me feel like a crap parent.

The first day of wearing pants my daughter only relaxed with four pairs on at once. I think they get used to the pressure and tightness of the nappy. You could try that then one pair less each day.

She has her own potty that is always about in the living room. She has toy pottys for her dolls. In the downstairs bathroom we have a child's seat on our toilet with a step for her if she wants to use it. Upstairs toilet is the same, we also have like a potty that's more like a fake toilet up here too. She just refuses to engage.

When I broach it, I usually encourage going for 2 or 3 days at a time. It's the most I can do between work unless I take annual leave. I've taken a gentle approach mostly, introducing a different incentive each time. I did try telling her the nappies had all gone once so we would need to use her big girl pants until bed time but she became so upset it's hard to watch. She wet herself quite soon after and recognised it as wee, but just sobbed literally for 2 hours until I 'found' a nappy.

She comes with me by choice every time I go to the toilet and I talk her through what I'm doing etc. She has good understanding but is very stubborn and quite anxious over this.

That's an excellent idea @MySocalledLoaf, it could be the pressure of the nappy she wants

No advice as have an 18 month old son and not started toilet training but I have also heard that because nappies are so good these days and so comfortable for them they don't see the point in not using them. I think the suggestion to swap to cloth nappies is a good one

Tried again today, tripled up her knickers and for the first time she wasn't inconsolable with them on and amazingly, and I mean amazingly, she did a wee on potty! I'm so proud.

Thank you for your suggestions

Well done op

So happy you've had some success today OP! Just wanted to say none of this situation makes you a crap parent. Our son is 3 years and 9 months and much like your daughter he's overtly said he doesn't want to use the toilet or potty. (However, unlike your DD he would happily sit in a dirty nappy and hated having to have it changed). We bought pants, books, potty and toilet seats etc with no shift in his desire to try it. We then had a major house move and 4 days later I gave birth to his sibling so we felt there were so many transitions that it wasn't the right time to add potty training in. Fast forward 8 weeks down the line and with 2 lots of nappies it began to feel like a necessity to get him potty trained. My sister recommended the Oh Crap potty training book, so I bought it and read it. Now, I won't say I agree with everything the author says, because I don't! (For example she devotes a whole chapter to how if you've left it beyond 36 months to potty train you've done a big parenting boo boo and screwed up). I don't agree with this. The bonus of our son being older and therefore able to understand is that he was able to tell us when he needed to go (so was already aware of the feeling) and within days of starting he was taking himself to the potty reliably. Within a week he was accident-free both day and night (although we still use a nappy at night for the moment just in case but he's yet to do anything in it at night). Her book did provide some structure which is what I feel I needed and also offered some validation during the first day we went commando and all the previous success went to pot for 24 hours 🤦🏻‍♀️ I really think that different children are ready at different times, doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. Hopefully now your daughter has done it once and seen what it feels like to wee on the potty she'll feel more comfortable with repeating it. You've got this OP! X