Won’t poo in potty - almost 4 :(

[anxietyaunt]

My son will be 4 in a couple of weeks. He has no problem with wee. Fantastic with wee. Doesn’t particularly mind sitting on the potty to wee or during the times I hope he’ll just drop a load, but he won’t poo in the potty. At all.

Have tried a standard potty, toilet-like potty and actual toilet. Even tried to get him to poo in the bush but he’s not having a bar of it. He sneaks off and poos in his pants the second my back is turned. If I catch him in time he fights tooth and nail not to sit on the potty.

I’m reaching the end of my tether. He’ll be starting kindy in February and they won’t accept him if he still won’t poo.

Can’t understand why he’s only afraid of the toilet when he poos. HELP!

My son was fine originally and then went back to wanting a nappy for pops, so just gave it to him when needed and just before 4 he started going in the toilet. No battle. It's unfortunate you're under pressure but I'd try this and at least it will avoid the mess and the battle. He's more likely to come round on his own. Fighting tooth and nail is not good.

The potty was our problem. DS2 was exactly the same - in hindsight not able to articulate that the potty was uncomfortable.

I would go back to pullups for a few days (say nothing about poos during this time).
Then totally reset toilet expectations. Get rid of the potty and make sure not to react at all to poos in pants. Just reiterate that poos go in toilets, bottoms are wiped and hands are washed. Every time.

My 3 + yr old had problems pooing on potty too. One day he told me he couldn't 'feel it' when he needed to go. He was/is fruit avoidant and I think was constipated. I got him lactulose and he potty trained a couple of weeks later. It was ages ago you'd need to google re doses etc.

@GADDay

The potty was our problem. DS2 was exactly the same - in hindsight not able to articulate that the potty was uncomfortable.

I would go back to pullups for a few days (say nothing about poos during this time).
Then totally reset toilet expectations. Get rid of the potty and make sure not to react at all to poos in pants. Just reiterate that poos go in toilets, bottoms are wiped and hands are washed. Every time.

Thanks for all your comments and suggestions.

Can I ask how long it ended up taking your son to get it eventually? I feel like this is taking forever and no sign of improvement. I’m not in any way trying to compare but the number of people who seem to potty train their much younger kids within a week...

@Screamingeels

My 3 + yr old had problems pooing on potty too. One day he told me he couldn't 'feel it' when he needed to go. He was/is fruit avoidant and I think was constipated. I got him lactulose and he potty trained a couple of weeks later. It was ages ago you'd need to google re doses etc.

Mine has never had a problem with constipation. He’s always been a big pooer! Only since I dropped the daytime nappies he holds it in until he gets a chance to sneak off to go in his pants. He definitely has a poo face so knows when he needs to go. If I happen to see said poo face and put him on the potty he clenches up and won’t go. If I don’t he drops the (huge) load in his pants.

Oh, the conversations we mums have. 🤦🏻‍♀️

@anxietyaunt

He was a little hit a miss for another 3 months or so (but VASTLY improved). Then it just clicked and we never looked back.

Have you tried spending a few days at home with no pants or nappies?

Google “Poo goes to Pooland”

My eldest wouldn't go near a toilet. In a last bid attempt I wrapped up lots of little toys and put them in a box and put it on the table. Said nothing about it until I was asked and I told them it was a prize for using the big toilet. They had 6 poos that day on the toilet.

Pardon the pun but I would bribe the crap out of him. I know it's not the done thing nowadays but seriously, I just bribed bribed bribed and it worked well. Something very high value to him.

God yes, get bribing. My then 3yo would use the toilet for wees but would insist on putting a nappy on to poo in. We told him matter of factly that on the first of January we would be getting rid of the nappies. We made a sticker chart together for poos on the toilet, with little rewards that he chose every 3 days or so, and a big prize at the end of each week (a new car and a train ride are the ones I remember ). He also got a chocolate button everytime he pooed on the toilet. I basically bribe the shit out of my kids for all this stuff and it works a treat, I have no shame. He pooed his pants a few times but had cracked it by the end of the first week.

My son was like this and still is a bit, won’t poo at school and holds it in for ages. I had him run around with no pants on, made sure he had lots of fibre (prunes are good) and let nature take its course. Just get him doing it on the loo, otherwise you’ve only got to then train him to use the loo later anyway.

I know his “I need a poo but I’m holding it” face. Plus he can’t sit still and ends up messing about. Now he gets marched to the toilet, and he sits with his feet up on a stool to aid matters. He is not allowed off the loo until he’s had a poo. I have never been wrong yet, you soon get to know when your child needs a poo.

Be firm about it and lots of praise when he’s done it. And if it’s obvious he needs a poo and won’t go, withhold any treats or fun stuff until he’s been.

Playing games and funny stickers etc works for some kids, but others they need a parent to be firm. Obviously don’t shout at him or anything. Now I just say to him, “you and I both know you need a poo and we will both sit here all evening if you like, so why not get on with it now and then you can go and play.” This might not work so much with your son who is a bit younger. But I would ignore any tantrums and neither of you leave the bathroom until his been. If he sees you getting frustrated he will turn it into a power struggle over you.

I’ve sat 20 minutes or more, waiting, I don’t engage with him, I’m just there for reassurance. Eventually he will relax and go. It’s all in their head.

Another one for bribery here. Ds1 was also nearly 4. Wouldn't go near potty as "it's for babies", so directed him to the toilet. First poo was for a big toy. Then he had to do 3 for the toy of desire. Then sticker chart to 40. Chocolate button every time to keep up momentum. Cost us a fortune on paw patrol cars, but money well spent.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I’ve got some great suggestions here so I’ll give them a crack!

Just realised I accidentally replied to another thread when I meant to reply to this one so apologies for the repeat:

I have a friend who has a similar problem to this. She has a three year old DD who is nearly 4 and in her last year of nursery.

She is tall for her age and looks older. She is also articulate and speaks very clearly.

I had a socially distanced meet in a cafe recently and she brought her DD with her.

Her DD actually ANNOUNCED that she was going to poo and went off into a corner to squat down and poo (presumably in a nappy or pull-up). It was a bizarre sight to see, I can tell you.

She then returned to our table and (in her
most confident and grown-up sounding voice) told my (now embarrassed-looking) friend that she needed changing!

My friend told me that her DD had no problem with wees and is even dry at night but will just not poo on a potty or toilet and she has yet to find a solution.

All I could muster was to suggest a GP visit. I asked her if she had spoken to her DD about it but her DD refuses to discuss it, so she’s not getting anywhere.

My DD’s and I all had wee issues when small, probably attributable to black current juice, but potty refusal for poos is a new one.

I will refer my friend to this thread in case anything here helps.

I suppose the point I’m trying to make is that it’s more common that you would think.

Massive bribes (sweets building up to a paw patrol toy) helped my DS as did the Poo goes to Pooland app, he loved that and it helped a lot of my friends LO's too

Have a look at the ERIC website. They are the bowel & bladder specialists and have lots of great tips

This is their page on only pooing in a nappy
www.eric.org.uk/pdf-children-who-will-only-poo-in-a-nappy

I agree with PP bride him big style. Instant rewards like chocolate and something to
of high value to him too.

Have you tried no bottoms - so no pants or trousers, some kids feel like the security of a nappy is still there.

Have you tried putting a potty in his usual place where he goes to poo?
My DS gets very embarrassed when pooing and doesn't even like us looking at him! Maybe your child is the same?
If so he might feel more comfortable and confident if he can poo in 'privacy'.