Advice/Help/Tips please?

[mamamemmmer]

Hi!

We have a 2 year old (just - turned two yesterday) - we tried potty training in early lockdown and it just did not go in at all, so we've had a break from it for a month or two so we aren't forcing her/creating pressure before she's ready.

We've got a few family members that have felt the need to say 'is she not potty trained yet?' and comparing her to other children in the family and so on and it's made me really anxious about my daughter not being successful yet.

She's aware of when she's doing a poo (but denies it's happening when it is) and over the past week she's told us when she's doing a wee in her nappy. She can take her nappy off herself and will sometimes ask for a new one. However, when she does have a wet nappy she will lie and say it's dry to avoid being changed.

She can have her nappy off for a few hours without issue (totally naked on the bottom though) and previously when we've tried pants she has refused to use the potty, she just wet herself and got so upset about it afterwards which is why we decided to stop.

I would like to get her potty trained because I believe she understands her body and what's going on, but it's where to start?

All her other development is ahead of where it should be according to nursery/health visitor. But with comments being made from family about potty training I feel like I've failed my little one by giving her maybe more time than I should have?

She's been nappy free for 3 hours today (again, no pants or trousers on) and hasn't done anything, I'm unsure if she's just holding it in. She sits on her toilet seat but doesn't do anything when we ask and I don't want to ask her too much in case it sends us backwards.

Any advice/tips on where to start would be really helpful.

Thanks x

Hi, a couple of things. First, don't feel bad - you've done what you think is best for her. you haven't caused any damage either.

And don't worry about what other people say or do things out of pressure, that never works.

However, I think you know the answer yourself - she's definitely ready and needs your support & teaching to potty train. In response to some things you mention: she isn't lying when she says she's not pooing or that her nappy isn't wet. She simply doesn't know ALL the time and toddlers at this age tend to say NO anyway. And with her nappy - if you're using disposables, they will feel dry until they are literally overflowing.

I'm a potty training consultant and my #1 recommendation is not to wing it. Find a book/method that suits you and stick with it. 99% of issues experienced with potty training are due to parents not knowing what they're doing or how to support their child.

Stay away from rewards or sticker charts, stay away from forceful or punishing methods (such as 3-day or 7-day potty training). For any method to work you need to have some naked time and teaching and no time pressures.

Hope that helps.

I’d say she is not ready.
Leave it for another few months.
Ignore the unwanted comments.

@nappyfree @LovingLola

I bought the Oh Crap! Potty Training ebook and we started to train her two days ago. It's going well so far, finding a book definitely helped. We're in clothes (without pants or nappy) and she's growing in confidence to use the potty or toilet all the time with only a few accidents in the two days. She's started to tell us when she needs the toilet too, which is great.

We'll keep at the method in this book and we'll see how we go, we aren't rushing her, we're letting her decide and it seems to be working so far.

Thank you both for your advice!

X

Love the oh crap method, worked well for us. Trained at 2yrs 3 months- no way would our LO have got it pre 2.
If you think she’s holding it in, perhaps try saying “right time for potty, once you’ve done a wee we can play in the garden, go to the park etc”- then sit her on the potty watching the tv or with an iPad and leave her. No pressure.
I found asking continually doesn’t do anything, first few days I monitored her general habits, so before breakfast it was “right time for potty” etc. I only really asked if I could see she was “dancing” “grabbing” etc. I’m not a fan of reward charts etc, I mean I said “well done” but on the whole it was just an attitude of this is what you do.
Oh and don’t go backwards, I read so many threads where parents stick their LOs back into a nappy, it’s confusing. No long trips and no time commitment activities out the house as best you can avoid.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers
No going backwards now, she hasn't seen a nappy in days and she's doing so well with such a big change. We're not over prompting too much because we don't want her to resist using the potty or toilet. We're just taking it as it comes, book is great though!

I agree, that book was brilliant for us!

As for family members commenting.... grrr!! It's so annoying but don't take notice of them. Your child, your timeline.

Good luck!

@mamamemmer well done for sticking with it. The Oh Crap is generally a good method. A couple of things I don't agree with: 1. it can be a bit parent-led and forceful. You can fix this by NOT prompting and giving her full control of the process.

1. Do NOT follow the advice on nighttime training. Give it a go anytime between 3 weeks - 6 months after you're done with daytime, but no longer. With nighttime, you can try a few times before they are 3, no risk of confusion.
2. Avoid pull-ups - even for nights, stick with nappies. There's a direct correlation between pull-ups and later night time dryness.

I completely disagree with the oh crap book on night training. Night training is down to a hormone, waking your LO up every few hours in the night seems pointless and hellish for all concerned. We use pull ups for night as my child just looks too grown now for a nappy.

@nappyfreemarur @OnlyFoolsnMothers
We weren't too keen on the nighttime advice - seemed a bit too much too soon, we're hiding her nappy in her jammies and waiting until we have a good few dry mornings before attempting a nappy free night!

My daughter turns 3 this wk, she always wears a pull up for bed time, usually she’s dry but I won’t take the risk. She hasn’t been confused.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers @mamamemmmermamamemmmer- the opposite is true - Oh Crap recommends waiting far too long. Yes, hormones play a part in night time training but are not the only determining factor.
Many cultures & countries who don't have access to nappies like we do potty train day & night by 24 months - and children are not born any differently.

I agree that nighttime lifting or waking is not the route to go - but I've seen children self-potty train at night at 17 months. Again, if it was all down to hormones that wouldn't happen.

The reason I discourage pull ups is that they feel and look like pants, which in turn discourages children to ditch them at night. The more incentive children have to do it themselves, the easier it is. If you stick with nappies they're more likely to want to stop using them at night.

It's fine to keep using nappies, like I said, for 3 weeks - 6 months after potty training. You can be honest and say you're using them until she's ready. You don't need to wait for them to be dry in the morning either. Lots of children pee when they're in their final sleep cycle, in a lighter sleep - so they've been holding it all night but we don't know because the nappy is wet in the morning.

I'm afraid that with nighttime, it's all about taking the risk, especially if they've had dry nights. I understand it's not easy, but the downside is inadvertently teaching them to pee in their sleep - and trying to break that habit when they are 5+ is way harder than taking the plunge before they are 3.

Lots of cultures do so many things differently. Babies sleep on their front, wean at 4 months, start school at 7 etc....someone once told me they potty trained at 9 months
Each to their own but I’m fine putting a pull up
on at night and in a bit putting a potty in her room etc.

Yes, each culture is different - but children are the same all over. That was my point.
I'm giving advice as a professional potty training consultant and as a fellow mum, but of course, you do what you're comfortable with - that's what we all do or should do anyway.

And yes, you can potty train at 9 months. You can potty train from birth in fact - it's called Elimination communication and it's a much gentler approach than potty training like we do it in Western cultures. In fact, it's not training so much as it is responding to human's innate desire not to soil themselves. We should all be more open to what other cultures do - and in fact, what we as a culture used to do only 70 years ago!

@nappyfreemarur We will 100% take the risk and go nappy free when she's had a dry night. Prior to potty training she always had access to water over night so the past two nights she hasn't has her water and her nappy is nowhere near as wet. If she wakes up in the night for whatever reason we are encouraging potty use as well as using the potty just before bed and when she first wakes up. First sign of a dry nappy we'll be going for it nappy free, got the mattress cover ready!
We have no intention of using pull ups, we have nappies left over to use and I don't intend on buying any more!

It’s a generational thing. Many of those who were “trained” early were just stuck onto potties every hour or so until something happened. It didn’t mean they were “trained” or “ready”.

Nappies exist for all age groups who need them (bedwetters, disabled, elderly, women with incontinence). Most kids get it in their own time and 2 is still very young so don’t stress her out with it.

@Thringsandthings it's not necessarily generational. If you look at the history of infant toileting habits, in this country and other countries, it used to be the norm to take babies from 6 months to the toilet (sometimes at nappy changes, sometimes after a meal), so the potty training process happened gradually and before 18 months.

So 24 months is definitely not too young for most children. Our habits have changed due to nappy companies' marketing tactics and belief in readiness, but children themselves haven't. The difference now is that potty training happens in a short period of time, rather than starting from birth or 6+ months.

Hi All,

Just an update - we're doing really well! Very very few accidents and we no longer use nappies at night either! I'm surprised because this has all happened alongside my child starting nursery after 5 months away due to shielding and there have been no issues thank goodness.

I've had just as many people tell me that my little one is too young to potty train that goes against what some family have said about it being terrible that she wasn't trained.

None of my friends have started their little ones with children the same age so it really does come down to personal preference and knowing your child.

Thank you all for your advice! At the end of the day there is no right or wrong age or way to do it, you just do what works for your child.

X

@mamamemmmer congratulations - I'm so glad to hear that. 24 months is definitely not too young/soon/early.

Like you said, it comes down to family preference and child's temperament. But most of all it comes down to the whole "waiting for readiness" approach that we've been so successfully sold by nappy companies...

From professional experience, I would say 16 - 24 months is probably a "sweet spot", but some children are perfectly fine potty training at 36 months too.

Anyway, well done for listening to your instincts and glad she potty trained herself at night too.