Desperate - please help!!!!!!

[BRITNEYLIZ]

Hi all

I have tried everything here and I am short if going insane!!!

My little girl was 2 years and 1 month back in feb and I started potty training. She seemed to get it ok and would go would 'control'it and take her every 30 mins or so. Gradually we worked up to 2 hours. She wouldn't go unless prompted really but everyone told me that would come.

Fast forward almost 4 months and here we are. Still at it. In the mean time we have had lockdown and also a new baby.

She is lots lots better which is why I dont want to give up. She has gone through days of being dry and asking to go every time but majority of the time we get to the 2 hour mark and we know she needs to go so tell her too and she resists and gets upset and says she doesn't need it... even if she is hopping and holding herself and fit to burst.

She will sometimes wee slightly in her pants and the says I need a wee and go but this is obviously a full outfit change.

She gets upset if we mention putting her back in nappies so just feel like this isnt an option.

Before you tell me, in hindsight she perhaps wasnt ready and with lockdown and a new baby it means we have hit many issues but what do I do now.

Do I get annoyed at her as she clearly knows she needs to go and is refusing when I tell her?

We have done sticker charts, rewards etc and they work in the short term but not long term.

Any advise would be soooo appreciated. Wish I had the money for someone to do this for me!

I'd say definitely don't get cross at her. Makes me feel sad just the thought! And you'll probably see major set backs if you do. Either stick with what you're doing or maybe try something in between like nappy pants? You could call them 'special pants' instead of using the word nappy so she doesn't feel like she's going backwards but if she does have accidents you don't have to change her completely.

I know I just feel like I'm getting to the end of my tether with it! With a newborn and this it is so stressful!

I can imagine! I think I'd just go down the nappy pants route if it were me. You've put in a lot of work to get her to this stage and if she doesn't want nappies on it'll just cause unnecessary upset. She's still very young though so just praise when she does it and don't make a big deal of it when she doesn't. She'll get there

Overnight, do you put your daughter into nappies. If so, your next move is easy. Tomorrow morning, delay changing her out of her nighttime nappy and getting her dressed (unless she is soaked etc) - just bring her down to breakfast in her bed clothes. After breakfast, change her into another nappy but don't say anything and let her lounge around the house playing and change her nappy as and when needed. Give this about three days and then revert to the potty training. At that stage, she might be ready, and if not, back to nappies for 3-4 days.

All sound like great ideas. Thank you for responding. She always takes her night time pull up straight off though as she says its uncomfortable and wet! I could just put her in another dry one though?

BRITNEYLIZ,
instead of putting her in a pull-up type nappy, put her in the taped version. Then she will find it difficult to take it off. As a result, she will be back lying down for you to change her, and then be more self motivated to self train.

Nappy manufactures created the pull-up nappy so the child associates pull-up nappies with underwear. This tends to delay toilet training.

My advice (worked v well for us). Don’t see it as an urgent priority. Get rid of the desperate feeling for her to succeed in this. Put her in pull-ups day and night for the next month or two and totally relax about it. Try again after that.

@FiddlefigOnTheRoof, @BRITNEYLIZ

I am sorry if what I stated was a little vague. In my first post, I forgot that in the last few years, baby nappy makers have being pushing the 'pull-up' kind of nappy, and a few parents are unaware of its costs when one comes to toilet training.

What I was suggesting was to place your daughter back into tape on nappies and give her a couple of days. In relation to her comment that the wet pull-up is uncomfortable, that I would take with a pinch of salt. When is comes to the taped nappy, she will see that she will be getting the one-to-one time with you during changes while at the same time trying to control her bladder. Her bladder is not large enough to cope with overnight - as a result, she is not getting and/or recognizing the signals early enough (although you see her she is hopping and holding herself), to make the call herself.

I think that your daughter is trying to be more like you, and able to go to the bathroom but currently does not have the relevant skills, and this is because of the new baby. What is needed, in my opinion, is more one to one time with her, and take the stress out of both of your lives by treating her more like a baby (bottles, cuddles etc) than the adult she is currently struggling with.

Honestly it sounds like you and her have done really well. Where is her potty? Is it easily accessible to her? Is it a "fun" one? My son has one that looks like a toilet and he can press the flush and it will make a sound. He really loves it.

If I was in your shoes I would carry on.

When you remind her to go, take what she is doing away. Say "do you want to play with this/watch this?.. OK go for a wee quickly and then you can play with it". That always worked with my son but this works with him for most things I want to do. If she's really stubborn with it then you could get her a watch with an alarm, and tell her when the alarm goes off its time for her to wee. Then leave the responsibility up to her.

If she has an accident I wouldn't give it any attention/reaction. Just change in silence. Then say calmly remember wee wee in toilet/potty. Makes mummy so happy when you wee wee in toilet. Then move on like nothing happened.

Also my son responded a lot better when we made no fuss about going to the toilet. To him it was just a wee so why are we congratulating him? He preferred just to wee and get back to playing!

And I understand that sometimes you do need to abandon it and come back. I had to do this with my son, we abandoned for 3 months. But he was no where near where your daughter is!

I tried some of these suggestions yesterday and the pull ups and nappies she just cried until I took them off her once she did her wee in them. Poos she still asked to go.

I then started just taking her when I could see her holding it in but this is just met with such resistance that I just dont think it can be working!!

Today I have just left her too it and she has told me once she needed to go. There was a tiny bit in her pants but did the rest on her potty. We try and keep the potty really close to the room she is in. We have a peppa one and she does like it.

I think when she has an accident and also when she has successes we perhaps need to 'ignore'them and move on.

Just wished I hadn't even started now but feel so far into it to stop. She is due to to back to nursery this week and I'm worried this will muck it up even more!

You’ve got it exactly right - ‘sticks’ rarely work with potty training, just ‘carrots’. Ignoring (well, neutrally cleaning up) accidents and measured praise for peeing in potty ‘That was so easy and felt good!’ Etc.

I disagree that pull ups delay training. Every child is different. For some, the ease of pull ups will put them off using a potty. For my daughter, pull ups meant we could stay unstressed and happy while she could choose to use the potty and do so herself. We always changed the pull ups after an accident.

Oh and nursery - we worried about this but they are so experienced and actually helped a lot. She eventually, after two short tries and a few months in between, trained in precisely one week. (My son took years).

We had a potty time bag full of little toys (sometimes wrapped) that my son was allowed to play with only on the potty. He loved it and it motivated him to go to the potty when he needed to. Might be worth a shot!

My daughter just didn’t really care if she wet herself - so we kept the potty within reach at all times and gave loads and loads of praise when she sat on it (and sometimes a small treat like half a chocolate button). Potty trained quickly. Just another suggestion.

I just feel really down and sad about it. Like I have failed her!

You haven't failed her, she may not be fully ready, or the changes she has experienced with a new baby/covid may just have had an effect.
Try going back to nappies for a couple of days, leaving the potty out and asking her if she needs a wee/poo or if she has had one, build communication, take it slowly. My eldest was a week before turning 3 before he got it, prior to that we had attempted a good couple of times, but he just wasn't fully ready. It takes time, she will get there x

BRITNEYLIZ

you most definitely haven't failed your daughter. I can see that in the way you worry and stress yourself. I can see that your daughter is currently picking up on this stress. Tonight, before bed, put her in a taped nappy and feed her a bottle in your arms - give her the one to one treatment so she can falls asleep in your arms. Put the potty away for a few days and don't mention a word about it. In the morning, delay changing her until late after breakfast, and then back into another tape-on nappy. If she asks about the potty, pick her up and rock her / play with her in your arms.

Give her and yourself a break from the potty training for a few days. Not only is the new child causing a break in her routine, so is the lockdown.

She is doing her best, as are you, but she does not have the focus yet to understand bladder/bowel control. All she is doing is clamping all her muscles to attempt to stop wetting and soiling her nappies with limited success, which is frustrating her. Change her focus and let her relax, give her a few weeks until she settles down to some form of normality.

My eldest boy is 10 now and potty training him was by far the hardest bit of parenting him so far!! It was awful. He wanted to wear pants at just before 3 so we started training. Some days hed come home from nursery with 4 sets of wet clothes other days hed be fine. He genuinely didnt even seem to realise he was wet. He still had accidents up until a couple of years ago and only got dry at night at 9. Good luck to you and hard as it is try to stay calm.

I've put her in a pull up today. She has done a wee on the potty and I can tell she needs a poo but doesnt want to do it in the pull up. She keeps telling me its full of wee wees and she is a baby..

I feel like it's such a step back and feel really sad about it. Like I've just wasted the last few months of work and stress for nothing.

Have you tried the oh crap method? Does involve you watching her like a hawk for the first few days but it trained my 2 year old within the week and he's had no accidents since

@BRITNEYLIZ
You haven't wasted the last few months with her.. but from her comment, she is focused on using the nappy for poo. You can try and convince her that babies use potties also for poo after you make sure she knows that the potty has no wee in it.