Reception child wetting pants daily

[Crochetcrochetcrochet]

So I'm having a crappy day. And basically feel like I'm failing as a mum in general and have specifically failed DS1 on the toilet training front.

He's reliably dry at home for me. Less so for DH, but we're only talking the veryoccasional accident if he's at football or when the two of them are engrossed in Lego. He was 2 months prem. Decided he wanted to wear pants at 2 and 7 months and was dry completely until he was hospitalised for suspected meningitis about 6 months later when they understandably had him in pull ups. It then took a bit longer to get back to where we were and he was hit and miss at nursery. He's not dry at night, but I'm not so worried about that.

At school is a different matter, he's had one dry day since starting this term, and after a good start last term was certainly not dry regularly. He seems reluctant to tell his teacher/ or adamant he just didn't know he needed a wee or has been. I send spare clothing every day.

I've tried rewards, daily or the promise of weekly, bigger ones. Sticker charts. Nothing. Ive tried talking to him about why it's not nice. About the fact he's a bit smelly when it happens. About the fact he has to stop what he's doing to change. Shamefully I had a few days of being cross which didn't help at all. For some reason it makes me feel really upset whereas normally I'm calm.

I've been to the GP, no infection (going back in a week for another check). Spoken to the HV - both agree it could be due to the arrival of his baby brother at Christmas. I've tried to ensure he gets plenty of positive attention but I'm obviously doing something fundamentally wrong.

His teacher took me to one side today and told me it was a problem that I needed to get him referred to the continence clinic. His little face. He physically backed off and I could see he'd just shut down. He's been in tears tonight "I'm so embarrassed mummy. I try so hard" and I just want to make it better for him, before the other children notice. I'm crying writing this.

I've made another GP appointment to discuss it again, and am considering taking him to see the health visitor too.

Any ideas. I just don't know what to do. What I've done wrong and how to make it better for him.

Hi OP. Have you looked at www.eric.org.uk
I have a very similar problem with my 5yo DD. She’s got wet knickers every day. School don’t notice because it’s not obvious. She says she just doesn’t get the urge (not in those words). I looked at Eric and the advice was to get her to sit on the toilet with a box under her feet (I use her old step for reaching the sink). It also suggested cutting out squash so she’s on water only ATM. It hasn’t helped and I’m going to take her to the GP for further advice.
Apparently there are a few physical issues that could be contributing to this and further tests are possible, so have a read and see if you think it’s worth asking for a referral to a specialist.

Does he know that he has to go to the loo and "try" every breaktime and lunchtime, even if he doesn't feel like he needs to go?

Hi, my DD is now 8 and has suffered from similar symptoms and all I got was give her reward charts etc. Got referred to a specialist who implied it was our bad parenting but sent her for a scan anyway. Turns out there is a problem with her kidneys that is causing the incontenince. Such a shame that she has endured years of embarrassment and blame when she couldn’t help it. Keep pushing for a referral and if nothings working insist on a scan.

Horis... do you mind me asking if there were other symptoms? DD seems to have a UTI at the moment (GP appt tonight) and wondered whether this is more common if there’s a physical issue such as what your daughter has. (Sorry to hijack post OP)

@NoAngel1 her symptoms were just wet pants every day but never a full wee iyswim. She never had UTI symptoms. She would get upset saying she didn’t know when it had happened and she didn’t know she needed a wee. we haven’t had our follow up appointment since we were told she has a ‘duplex collection system’ but when I googled what the symptoms are it was exactly what she’s been going through. I’m now pushing for a referral for my DS who has the same symptoms but health visitor is still banging on about reward charts and chocolate buttons

Does your child dislike the toilets at school. If he's not gone to nursery etc regularly he may only be used to using the loo at home, where it feels safe, familiar, private.

It might be important to find out whether he dislikes some aspects of the provision at school. Obviously there is a limit to what can be done - but if the loos aren't cleaned and he dislikes the mess - it's an issue that can be flagged up. Sometimes there are behavoural/bulllying issues. Or you can talk about going early in the day when fewer children will have used them.