3.5 year old is traumatised by it all

[Heatherbell1978]

We've just tried our 3rd weekend at potty training our now 3.5 year old DS. We've tried a few other times in last 6 months but to be honest he's never really shown any concrete signs but we'd decided to try regardless. Nursery had a bash about a month ago but after 3 days of accidents and him holding it in all day we decided to stop as he was getting very distressed about it all and started not wanting to go to Nursery.
This weekend he held it in all day...thought we'd had a breakthrough on Sunday when he voluntarily went to the potty and did one without crying (previous pees have been done with one of us holding his hand while he cries). Then yesterday we had to give up mid afternoon after he'd held everything in all day and was starting to complain of sore stomach and feeling hot.
He completely understands the process but is terrified of doing a pee or poo outside of his nappy. Rewards don't motivate him in the slightest.
He's 3.5; what can I do?

Leave him till he’s ready. You risk psychological harm if you keep pushi. Your agenda. He’ll get there when he’s ready.

Pushing your agenda

just put him back in nappies tbh and leave it. Poor kid.

or pull ups

Leave it for a few months, and then try again. My daughter was exactly the same!

I think this reads like we're really pushing him. We're not. We've been waiting until he shows little signs. The times we've tried in the past are when he's taken an interest in the potty or felt uncomfortable with poo in his nappy etc. He's just never shown full on signs (a friends 2 year old just sat on the potty one day and did a poo out of the blue for example...). Nursery tried it because they thought he was showing signs too.

I'm just confused as to why he's so traumatised by it. Is this normal?

it could be something really small, like getting splashed with pee, who knows?
He will get there though..

Have you tried the toilet with an insert and hiding the potty in case it's that that he's now afraid of?

I always recommend it on here by Oh Crap is a good read to give you a plan for when you are ready to try. It also has a chapter on training older children.

I feel your pain have a son a couple of months younger and no interest at all. Have tried a couple of times and just will not go near potty or toilet!

We've tried a few different potties and the toilet insert. He won't sit on the toilet at all but is happy sitting on the potty to an extent.

I bought the Oh Crap book but tbh found it really unhelpful! The chapter on older kids basically starts by saying that you're a bad parent if you've left it until after 36 months and it's all about their attitude at that age. She briefly mentions that some children have a fear but it's not many and she has no experience of that

I have no idea about this but I would leave it for a little while until you can spend a week with him with very few plans. Put the potty away and don't talk about wees, poos, nappies, potties, toilets at all to do with him. Yes he'd be in nappies but don't mention it other than a brief 'time to change you'. But then I would ramp up toilet talk with you as much as possible. So he goes into the toilet with you as much as possible (and anybody else you can) and very lightheartedly chat about the whole process as much as possible. Not particularly to him and absolute no reference to him, but just jibber jabber away about the whole thing to try and take the fear away. So 'ooh can you hear the wee coming out of me. It's going into the toilet bowl, wsshshh.' 'I'm going to do a poo this time. It's a bit scary sometimes but I try really hard to push it out and then it goes plop!'

I realise this is the most ridiculous post I've ever written!! However, my tactic would be low key and deescalate before you stop nappies one day. No fuss or big deal, just oh dear, no more nappies in the house.

Sorry if you've tried this kind of nonsense!!

Can he articulate what he's finding upsetting about it? Because like Dull said, it could be something really silly that you can talk him through.

Both my kids have had stubborn bits when potty training (although I am totally charmed by the image of you sitting there holding his hand - does telling him how brave he is help at all? DS1 has always been very motivated by us telling him how awesome/brave he is and how proud we are - much more than chocolate buttons or toys).

Perhaps just concentrate on wees or poos first - DS1 got the poos well before the wees, because we just sat him on it watching TV until it happened (he's always been a regular pooer, so this was easy) whereas DS2 got the wees first, and stood up to do it from the off because he saw his dad do it and thought it looked fun.

Just leave it. Forget all about it and then try again in a few months.

He will do it when he is ready. There is no rush at all. Unless there is a health issue, most adults can use a toilet so everyone gets there eventually.
Best of luck with it x

My son went into school nursery still wearing nappies, he simple wasn't ready. Within 2 weeks of being at nursery he was dry during the day and wearing pants.

Nighttime was another matter. He's such a heavy sleeper that he wasn't dry at nighttime until 9 years old. No actual reason other than very heavy sleeper.

Good luck and try not to worry

Also I drew pictures for my son to made him laugh, pictures of going to the toilet. When he did decide to do it he really got it and never had an accident. Good luck.

Ignore other people with their "my child potty trained at 8 months" nonsense. Or whatever. It's just another stick to beat each other up with.
Pause and reset when it is warmer for him to wander around in his grundies or whatever works with you. Pee and poo can take very different times to click.
Go easy on yourself.

We have a girl so I'm not sure about boys but we found that having an open nappy on the potty helped - poo was our problem. A real big problem. Be kind to you. There are more parents struggling with this than you think.
Ps I love the drawing a picture idea - that could be a real laugh.

Also my sisters child minder had lots of kids over the years and she told my sister that one particular woman was always boasting about her child being trained so young but the child was still having accidents at 7 or 8 so you really should ignore everyone as gussy says above.

It will be ok.

I'm having the same issue with my daughter who is 3 yrs 4 months. Pretty much as you described, we've tried more than a few times and she will just hold it all day and made herself badly constipated too.

She is completely terrified of the potty and toilet too and also not interested in bribes or that her friends/us are using the toilet. She knows when she is about to wee or poo though. She just won't do it out of a nappy.

We've gone back to nappies and asking her to poo or wee in them in the bathroom or toilet, so she gets used to going to a place to do it and then we'll see how we get on. That's worked well. Small steps.

I've potty trained 2 others without many issues. I'm pretty stumped this time although suspect it's just a case of waiting until she decides she will?

^ when I say "in the toilet" above, I mean the downstairs loo room, not the actual toilet itself. Pooing in her nappy in the general vicinity of a toilet has been a big hit. She likes asking to do that.

Yep, just forget about it and do it when the weather is warmed and hes older, maybr easter, may half term or summer holidays.

Definitely wait until he's on school holidays :)