At my wits end

[UnaOfStormhold]

Would really appreciate some advice as I'm stumped. Will try to summarise briefly - quietly introduced a potty and books about using it 2y6m, he started to show an interest and do occasional wees about 2y9m. We did some pants off time, slowly getting more wees on the potty or toilet and started full time in pants about 3y. He fairly quickly got the hang of doing a wee, less quick with poos but now has good control and can recognise he needs to go, deal with clothes etc without any support - the main issue was always leaving it to the last minute because he didn't want to interrupt his play.

But then he gradually started to refuse to go, without any trigger that I can think of. We introduced a reward chart (10 stickers for a video) and stopped reminding him as this seemed to be counterproductive. If he has an accident we take him to the toilet, clean up and change clothes, and calmly say 'next time please try to do it in the potty'. But he's now 3y6m and getting worse and worse - today not a single wee in the potty, and he's refusing to go even when he has started to leak. I know it's important to stay calm and relaxed but it's so frustrating knowing that he can do it. Any advice?

Try using the toilet? Might make him more interested as different from the potty. I started both mine on a toliet with a seat on. A little step to make it easy to stand and wee. I used a squirt of washing up liquid in the toilet to make it abit 'fun' as it bubbles up a bit.

Thanks for replying! We've used both toilet and potty from day one and we have a ladder seat that he can use on his own for sitting or standing. Interesting idea on the washing up liquid though his general reaction to bubbles is to smear them all over his chin to make a beard so could be risky!

My daughter was very similar. She just wouldn't go to the loo, you could see her trying to physically reabsorb her wee almost! She then started going behind the sofa to wee, I'd find a puddle later! We tried to keep things reward based for ages, one day I just cracked and I took her favourite toy away, sat it on the mantlepiece in full view and told her she couldn't have it back until she did a wee on the loo. She cried and cried and I felt very conflicted but stuck to my guns. I only had to do this once, she honestly didn't have any more accidents for weeks and weeks, and when she did have one again they were genuine accidents again. I know it's not the done thing but she knew full well what she was doing! And it really worked for us! Good luck!

If you want to stick with a chart then maybe try less stickers, so it's more achievable. When they're little, 10 is a very big number! A teacher friend told me this tip. We made a chart divided into squares, 3 in a row is a chocolate, a full chart (9 stickers) is a toy (poundland!). My daughter wasn't at all driven by charts until we broke it down smaller. We didn't do this for potty training but for other things.

Yes I’d be tempted to put him on the lavatory hourly until he stops having accidents. No tolerance of refusal, pick him up sit him on and tell him to perform. Three years old don’t get to refuse in my book.

Have you asked him if there is anything?(ripe age for odd phobias). No UTI or anything like that I assume?

Ass above poster mentioned, I would reduce the amount of wees needed for a small reward.

Is he at preschool/nursery? If so, a bit of peer pressure can often work wonders!

Sounds like he's not quite ready - I had something similar with mine. She was potty trained at about 2.5 years but then regressed and went back into nappies

Just two weeks ago, (at 3 years 3 months) she suddenly wanted to stop wearing nappies and it's been a different experience this time - only one wee accident

It's as if something clicked. You might want to consider going back to nappies and wait until he decides he's ready

You will get there!

And then when she was ready, she'd get a sweet for a wee, and a kinder egg for a poo!

What are nursery like if he has an accident? I know my nephew regressed for a day after my mother told him (gently) off for wetting himself (he is 3.5), they just need you to ignore failures and praise successes I think.

Wow, lots of ideas.

He does pretty well at nursery - takes himself off independently. But I suspect that he's holding rather than going as he tends to have big accidents when picked up. I don't want to go back to nappies because he's still doing ok there.

I think forcing him would be impossible and trying is likely to make things worse.

Interesting thought on scaling down the reward chart, might give that a try. Though even when he had just two stickers to go this morning (and we've had a long chat about how close he was and what video he will choose) it doesn't seem to successfully motivate him.

I asked him what was wrong and he muttered something about feeling sad and then changed the subject. I did wonder about a uti, particularly when he started holding, but he says it doesn't hurt. He has poos of all consistencies so I don't think he's constipated.

Nursery are very relaxed about accidents - if anything it may be my reaction bothering him as it is so frustrating and I'm probably not successful at hiding that.

My little boy is 4 in April and potty training him was a nightmare, both my girls picked it up pretty quickly but he just wasn't interest. I tried everything and I mean everything. Then one day I gave him a little pot (his old tommee tippee cup) and told him every time he used the potty/toilet I would give him and penny, he loved it and we have never looked back, he was dry from that day and loved it when his little pot got about half full he would buy a toy. Honestly after trying and trying and trying this worked for us.

I'm also at my wits end. 3.3 yr old has been potty training for about 5 months. He is fine with poos thank God. But wees are very hit and miss. He can go days with no accidents (usually if he's in a good mood and we/nursery ask him to go on the potty regularly) but then days like today where he's wetting himself every hour or so. I think they're 'genuine' accidents in that he doesn't realise he needs to go. But he refuses to go and try. I have a new baby (which is probably part of the reason for this) and can't physically make him go on the potty so we just have wet patches on chairs and carpet around the house despite my best efforts at putting mats down.

I'm actually in tears now because my sweet little boy is turning into a nightmare and this is becoming a major issue as we don't know how to handle it (Not angry that he has genuine accidents but want to discipline him not telling us about them/ refusing to go on potty) and he's getting confused about what's acceptable and what isn't. He refuses to talk about it so I know it's a big issue for him but don't know where to go from here.

Have been following Oh Crap book which just recommends starting again which will attempt this weekend with no pants/trousers but realistically if it doesn't improve he's likely to be sitting in wet clothes refusing potty while I'm breastfeeding the baby.

Grynio I've ordered a sticker book to try, see if having a new sticker each time to put into a book (rather than just repeating the same ones on his chart) entices him to try.

Green magpie, much sympathy. It is so intensely frustrating. Have you tried not reminding him at all? It worked a treat for us for a few days.

We're still struggling, occasional good moments and others of total refusal. I'd try the "no pants" approach but it's too darn cold!

Op, have you tried reading the Oh Crap book?

Her theory is that underwear gives them the secure, right feeling of a nappy so they don't break the link between nappy and just weeing as and when.

The suggestion in that book is a day or so naked (we trained DD last Feb so I get the cold thing but naked bottom half really is a must), then you put them in loose bottoms but no underwear. You only add underwear after a couple of weeks.

I'd really recommend reading it. It's worked for everybody I know who's used it.

*secure, tight feeling of a nappy

I see you've said you've ordered a new sticker book but I came on to say that we tried the chart method with DD at that age for a few things but she had no patience & needed instant glorification 😩!!

She's a lot better now (coming up to 5) with a chart for good behaviour etc & likes to see it mounting up towards her goal but back then she would of chose instant reward every time!!

We bought £20 worth of crap from the poundshop/B&M etc & put it all in a sparkly bag then each time she made it to the toilet on time she could choose something out of the bag. Worked a treat!

Teaandbiscuits, we started with no pants/trousers about 9 months ago. For what it's worth he definitely knows that he shouldn't wee/poo in his pants, the problem is more that he holds it in too long. We keep giving him drinks so he doesn't end up with a UTI but the result is of course more accidents! Sigh.

Hoping the sticker book will arrive soon, we'll see!

Hi, I don't have any words of wisdom but we're having a similar experience with my son who is 3.5y. It's almost as if he doesn't want to use the potty/toilet anymore simply because he PREFERS not to. He'll usually do it in exchange for chocolate but that's not really a road I wanted to have to go down :/ If you have any progress, please let us know!

Vaseline at 3.5 I would absolutely go down the chocolate route. You can just get those little chocolate buttons and once they get the hang of it they soon forget the treat. It's no biggie to reward them to get going

@tom - Now, surprise, surprise, he won't even use the potty in exchange for chocolate!! Or TV! Or chocolate & TV at the same time!! ARGH. Will try again in the summertime.

Vaseline do you think he's ready? If you do you can just tell him they don't make nappies for children his age anymore (!) and you will help him get the hang of using a potty and some big boy pants. Then commence bribery!
But yeah summer will work if you're not too desperate about getting it done

Seriously try the penny thing, like I said before we had tried chocolate, reward charts, stickers, books, nothing worked but when he started collecting pennies we never looked back, he has been dry ever since!