Should I give up and go back to nappies?

[Lavender77]

Hi everyone
This is my very first post here :)
I have been working hard to potty train my nearly 3 year son (2yrs 10 months) for 4-5 months now but it feels like we're going backwards. I'm so stressed with it all and just don't know what to do for the best.
We started trying on and off over the summer but with limited success. By Sept he was using the potty most of the time at home (with pants and trousers off so just jumping on it when he needed to) so we made the jump to remove his nappies with some initial success but he's got progressively worse since then.
He'll never tell me if he needs to go, he only goes if we put him on the potty. It's become more and more of a fight to go on it and a lot of the time he screams and kicks and refuses to sit on it. He seems to wee quite regularly still (once an hour) and has never been able to pull his own trousers and pants down. We've tried to encourage this but he shows no interest. He does not care at all if he's wet and won't even tell me, he'd walk around all day like it. He started nursery in Sept and because he had so many accidents they take him to the potty every half hour but he still wets himself. It's become a constant battle at home to get him to use the potty and I'm so tired of it. He had a couple of great weeks where he was mostly dry and I thought we'd cracked it (so i know he can do it!) but the last couple of weeks have been terrible with about 3 or so accidents every day. We've tried sticker charts, rewards, confiscating toys then working to get them back, we've used a 'potty alarm' to get him to sit on it rather than us nagging him too which had some success for a while. But often now, I'll get him on the potty, he won't go, then will walk away and just wee where he's standing. He'll wee while he's playing or even sitting with me on the sofa and won't bat an eyelid, he just doesn't care. I know I should make him help me get him changed, clean up etc so he takes some responsibility but he just won't. I feel it's too easy for him - he wees if he wants to and I just tidy up the mess.
I'm tired of the constant battles and wet clothes so just don't know whether to continue or just revert to nappies for a while to give us all a break and try again in a month or so, or let him say when. I don't want to confuse him or throw away all the hard work we've done but it's just exhausting. In my opinion it's not being potty trained if you're just forcing them on the potty constantly and he's taking zero ownership.
He's otherwise a bright boy but very stubborn and gets very intensely absorbed in play. I feel it's a battle of wills. I know they are all different but it upsets me that his friends have mastered it so easily and months ago and I just don't get why he just doesn't even seem to try. Trying to reach the potty and having an accident is one thing but just standing there and weeing after all the work we've done is completely different.
I just feel a total failure and like it's all my fault :(
Any advice on where to go from here would be greatly appreciated! Thank you.

Sorry don't have time for much of a reply but sounds testing! I feel your pain. I can't recommend the 'oh crap' potty book enough - addresses all these issues and gives you a clear method to follow. I think reading it would help you decide what to do next.

Thank you Smellyjo, I'll definitely look that book up.

Put him in nappies and try again in a few months. No point having a battle, life is too short. It will happen. just not yet.

I had similar struggles with my son and felt we needed to push through them but it was months of frustration. If I could do it again I would have put him back in nappies.

Is there a certain time of day that he's more amenable to sitting on the potty? First thing in the morning or straight after naps are good times to get a successful wee in the pot. Maybe just focus on those times and build up from there slowly.

I feel for you. My four year old dd has been regressing recently and it's ridiculously frustrating.

I would say too young - when they are ready you don't need a battle - my 3 took a couple of days to train as they were ready - different ages but all either under / just over 3

Doesn't sound ready. I'd go back to nappies for a bit. They are extra tired at this point in the year too which won't be helping. Try again in the spring?

You are not a failure. Some children are just not interested as soon as others and it has nothing to do with being bright or not. I feel your pain though. Neither of mine were remotely ready until after their third birthday. Dc1 was about three and a half before I felt we had really cracked it.

I don't know what the right thing to do is. I would be highly tempted in your situation to just give up until after Christmas to relieve the stress. Only piece of advice I have is that with dc1 we had tried all the sort of reward charts etc we could think of and our dc just did not care. One day in utter exasperation, dh sat them down and said something along the lines of 'what on earth will make you want to wee on the loo'. Dc1 gave an answer which was something we would never ever have thought of but it worked.

OP I was just about to post on another thread as I'm having similar problems! Started training about 4 weeks ago just before he turned 3. Good to start off with then seems to have gotten lazy and has lots of accidents unless we make him go on the potty when we say. Like you, he's absorbed in play and kicks up a huge fuss, runs aways screaming. But when he's on the potty he always does something.

He also doesn't like pulling down his own trousers and pants and once just wet himself standing next to the potty while fully clothed.

I have the 'oh crap' book which suggests going right back to basics to start again rather than putting him in nappies again - although you can revert to nappies as a once-only thing! - but you should read the whole thing. (It starts off with going naked/no pants or trousers for a couple of days so sounds like you did that).

Like you all my friends seemed to have no problems so it's kind of doing my head in.

I'm an OH CRAP Fan here. It's an interesting read which promotes the idea of them being 'capable' not ready. Having had some success he is capable.
I'm not sure returning to nappies would be confusing for him - the book says it shows you don't trust them but it does also support you being mentally able to go through the process to - I found it really realistic and if you sign up on the authors website you get emails of support too.
Whatever you decide it's pretty personal for you as a family but I wish you luck OP, you'll get there xx

OP, we were potty training for eighteen months and it's bloody torture.

There's no shame in going back in nappies for a few months. It'll give both of you a rest.

I think I started far too early (also at 2:10) and that was half the problem. With hindsight I'd have waited at least another six months.

We've only just cracked it now (4.5) by using chocolate advent calendars as reward charts. He stays dry and he gets the chocolate, he gets wet and the chocolate cheers me up 😂

I don't think it was anything either of us did (we also tried everything), I just think DS wasn't that fussed. They get distracted and it's just not a priority for them.

Hopefully things will improve soon OP!

Have a conversation with him. Ask him if he wants to wear nappies again until he is bigger. That will give him the ownership of the decision. His choice. No big deal either way. 2 of mine I wrongly thought were ready. They both decided to wear nappies again and told me the day they were going to stop. Both children did stop on the day they had chosen and we never had an accident. One had chosen Christmas day, which made for an interesting day with lots of visits to the toilet but she knew best. As the potty is causing battles you could go straight to the toilet next time.

Thank you so much for all your responses everyone, it's been so helpful and so reassuring to hear that others have been having similar struggles (although obviously sorry that you're having to deal with it too). Your comments made me decide that he wasn't ready and that actually there was no shame in going back to nappies for a bit. I think part of the problem is that I pushed it before he was ready and that's just made him rebel. I think you're all so right that it really is them that have to decide when they want to do it. I've asked him what he wants to do, pants or nappies and he chose nappies. We're going to keep offering the potty and nursery still include him on the toilet run etc but we're not going to push it unless he wants to. He seems happier and I feel so more relaxed too! So we'll leave it for a month or two and fingers crossed at some point he'll tell me he wants to get rid of the nappies! If not, we'll cross that bridge as and when! God, it really is the hardest, most frustrating part of parenting I've done so far I think!
Oh, and Swirlingasong - I'm intrigued to what it actually was that made him finally do it??!
Thanks again everyone xx

Good! It may not be long at all till he is ready - I had a very unsuccessful attempt with DD2 at the start of August, a month later she got it (well 95% there) within 3 days. Just give it a go every so often and it will be pretty obvious whether it's clicking quickly or not.

I was despairing a couple of weeks ago - DS was just weeing while sat on sofa even though potty was a few feet away and he knew full well what to do. I think that was a bit of a wake-up call as he's certainly turned a corner since - had nearly two weeks of no accidents (apart from a couple of wee dribbles) and he's been more proactive in going and sitting on the potty himself which is amazing.

Glad we pushed through - next job will be 1) seeing if he can go to the bathroom now instead of having a potty nearby all the time and 2) night-time training - might leave this till sometime after my new baby arrives in a few weeks...!