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Potty training

Is your child ready for potty training at nursery? Here's the place for all your toilet training questions.

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Original poster

I am handling this all wrong but I don't know how to stop

39 replies

Jefferson · 07/08/2014 16:55

DS is 2.10. We are on day 4 of toilet training.

Day 1: 12 accidents!! 1 wee in potty
Day 2: At nursery 1 accident, 7 wees. I thought wow and then he came home and had 2 accidents and 1 wee and 1 poo in the toilet
Day 3 and 4: he is just holding in his wee completely and waiting until naptime in his pull-ups and at night in his nappy. He managed 1 wee and 1 poo over 2 days in the toilet and a few accidents.

However, it is my behaviour that is worrying me. I am just so stressed and frustrated and unfortunately angry about it all. I am spending hours and hours and hours on the floor of the toilet. I have ongoing back problems and am now in agony all day and night. He will happily sit for ages and do nothing. No amount of cajoling or bribery or distraction works. We sing, play games, read to no avail. Then I get frustrated and I have shouted quite a few times. I KNOW this is awful but I just don't now how to remain calm in the face of it all.

Our day just consists of being stuck in 2 rooms and constantly being in the bathroom. Playtime has become so boring for us both because every 15 minutes we are on the toilet/potty. We can't go out to escape. I'm finding the monotony unbearable and it's only day 4! How am I going to keep this up?

Mostly I'd like advice on how to manage my own frustrations. It's the summer holidays and I would love to be out and about doing stuff. How long is this going to take?!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

HolgerDanske · 07/08/2014 20:10

Yes I do agree, no reward, particularly no foodie rewards - but that's just my opinion, it works well for lots of people - genuine and affectionate praise for successes but not too much fussing. It's better if it's not such a big deal.

Original poster

Jefferson · 07/08/2014 20:10

Thank you Holger

Today has been a truly awful day. I haven't decided what to do but all advice has been very welcome

OP posts:

MollySolverson · 07/08/2014 20:10

Honestly my opinion is that at nursery there was no stress, no pressure. At home he knows that there is a huge amount of pressure, he doesn't know why and its probably confusing and scary. I know you don't like spending hours on end in the bathroom so he presumably doesn't either. Honestly, this doesn't have to he hard

MollySolverson · 07/08/2014 20:12

[Brew]

Original poster

Jefferson · 07/08/2014 20:17

Yes Molly that is probably it. It is obvious that my childish frustrations are completely counter productive. It shouldn't be this hard!

OP posts:

HolgerDanske · 07/08/2014 20:30

Focus more on going back to your usual routine. You can't be a slave to the toilet for days on end

If it's the lack of poos and wees that gets you most angry, this should hopefully be alleviated by moving away from the expectation that he must 'perform'. The potty is there if he needs it. If he hasn't asked to use it then a five min go every so often (maybe once an hour or two. Matter of fact. No more fussing. A crate of books or toys nearby so he can use them if he wants. No more singing, poems or other fanfare. Also gentle encouragement not to use his potty as a chair.

Lots of cups of tea for you and a chocolate bar throughout the day if you have one available

(Oh oops. Noticed you are already using the pull-ups. Didn't pay close enough attention at first reading of OP)

Sleep on it and tomorrow think about whether to wait just a little longer.

EugenesAxe · 07/08/2014 20:30

I am of the opinion that if they do anything in the potty of their own volition or tell you they need it, then they are ready. Everything else is just control tactics.

So from here I would start operating more 'normally' (go out but take changes of clothes), also never ask if he needs to go; if he has an accident just say 'Never mind - on the toilet/potty next time OK?'. You could ask him if he wanted to do a wee too if you were going I expect, as that is still giving him the control. When he steps up tell him how pleased you are etc. if it doesn't offend you too much, be open at home about your own toilet trips; normalise it.

EugenesAxe · 07/08/2014 20:34

And actually once they had 'control' (which was learnt very quickly - day 2/3) - it could be several hours between wees for mine. If you are butting in all the time asking them and not trusting them then it seems to piss them off, make them dig their heels in and then that can lead to the accidents.

spiderlight · 07/08/2014 20:42

Have you got a garden? We did it outside: loads of toys/sandpit/paddling pool outside, potty on lawn, no pants, no stress if he had an accident - job done in a weekend.

todayisnottheday · 07/08/2014 21:00

Potty training is frustrating, honestly I would attempt to bypass it! Go to pull ups for a few weeks so both of you can relax and forget this attempt. Then buy a toilet seat with a step. Encourage ds to play sitting on the big loo (no mention of toileting just for fun with clothes on). Let him see you and anyone else willing use the loo, lots of ooh mummy's going to wee/poo on the big toilet stuff. This will lead to embarrassing comments if you use the public toilets anywhere but it's worth it honest. Once you are both relaxed you may find he wants to give it a try. If not keep waiting. Around 3yo most dc start to show an interest in copying what they see toilet wise. For some reason, ime, waiting until 3 and bypassing the potty altogether seems to lead to a pretty fast transition. No promises of course but it's worked for me (4dc) and many people I've spoken to over the years. I decided to bypass it after my dsis was "potty trained" at 9mo by my stepmother who basically sat her on the darn thing 8hrs a day and screamed at every accident! Nothing should be that stressful for either participant!

todayisnottheday · 07/08/2014 21:03

Oh forgot to say, using the potty as some kind of throne with no connection to toileting is totally normal behaviour - frustrating - but usual. They just don't have the social associations we have, they are learned over time so don't worry right now. Get him using it first them sort out the niceties

HolgerDanske · 07/08/2014 21:17

I agree, it is normal and nothing to worry about as such. But I do think it's hard to have it both ways. Either go with the flow and let it take as long as it takes, in which case it's fine to let the child find his or her own way with the potty and spend a couple of months (or longer) not doing much more than using it as a throne and catching the odd lucky wee in it. Or, if you want it over quickly and are going to get more and more stressed as the days go on, you might have to make things a little more clear and not allow too much play with it or it could become counter productive. More to do with eliminating stress than the rights or wrongs of potty play

RiverTam · 07/08/2014 21:25

just leave it. We had 3 attempts with DD between age 2 and a half and 3, each lasted a week and she was potty trained at the 3rd attempt, just after her 3rd birthday - but plenty of DC at her nursery weren't, it wasn't an issue. Star sticker chart and chocolate buttons were rewards. I sometimes took the potty out to the local park with me, though I think we only used it once.

Looking back we could see how badly the first 2 attempts had been, though they didn't feel too bad at the time (they each ended due to non-potty training related illness) - she really hadn't been ready.

DrownedGirl · 07/08/2014 21:45

It sounds to me (have TT 4 Dc, 3 boys and a girl) that he is physically ready but perhaps you were expecting progress to be a bit more linear than it has been in his case. In my experience it's not unusual for them to get off to a good start then almost seem to rebel about it. Unfortunately you getting impatient and losing your temper has now brought it to a standstill.

Although with mine I have never gone back to day time pull-ups once they have used the toilet a couple of times, it dies sound as if you would both benefit from a break to get over the stress and upset.

I can really recommend those loo seats with steps attached. How about buying one of those.

Then in 2 weeks time start over but make it different.

One good tip is to set a timer on your phone or cooker then reward for him sitting on the loo briefly each time. A sticker chart is good.

The stickers are for going to the loo, sitting on it, washing hands. No pressure at all to 'perform' eventually he will use the toilet while he is there.

Letting him help you when you use the toilet is a very good idea.

Just take a deep breath. It will be ok in the end. And it's not a disaster it has gone a bit wrong. You sound as if you have learnt a lot from the experience.

Toilet training is another of those steps where the child begins to separate from you, like weaning. It's hard to adjust to the new relationship and their fledgling independence.
You sound as if you are able to change your own behaviour when you realise it wasn't what you had hoped for. That's a real strength.

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