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Potty training

Is your child ready for potty training at nursery? Here's the place for all your toilet training questions.

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Original poster

I am handling this all wrong but I don't know how to stop

39 replies

Jefferson · 07/08/2014 16:55

DS is 2.10. We are on day 4 of toilet training.

Day 1: 12 accidents!! 1 wee in potty
Day 2: At nursery 1 accident, 7 wees. I thought wow and then he came home and had 2 accidents and 1 wee and 1 poo in the toilet
Day 3 and 4: he is just holding in his wee completely and waiting until naptime in his pull-ups and at night in his nappy. He managed 1 wee and 1 poo over 2 days in the toilet and a few accidents.

However, it is my behaviour that is worrying me. I am just so stressed and frustrated and unfortunately angry about it all. I am spending hours and hours and hours on the floor of the toilet. I have ongoing back problems and am now in agony all day and night. He will happily sit for ages and do nothing. No amount of cajoling or bribery or distraction works. We sing, play games, read to no avail. Then I get frustrated and I have shouted quite a few times. I KNOW this is awful but I just don't now how to remain calm in the face of it all.

Our day just consists of being stuck in 2 rooms and constantly being in the bathroom. Playtime has become so boring for us both because every 15 minutes we are on the toilet/potty. We can't go out to escape. I'm finding the monotony unbearable and it's only day 4! How am I going to keep this up?

Mostly I'd like advice on how to manage my own frustrations. It's the summer holidays and I would love to be out and about doing stuff. How long is this going to take?!

OP posts:

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Original poster

Jefferson · 07/08/2014 16:59

Actually I have read my post back and I sound awful . The shouting is just not on. I feel really shit now.

OP posts:

ShoeWhore · 07/08/2014 17:06

I think you have 2 options: you can either grit your teeth and get through it. And you probably will eventually . Or the other option is put him back in nappies for a while and try again later.

Potty training when they are ready is a breeze. I absolutely hated doing it and after starting fairly early with ds1 and enduring months of on/off potty training, followed by it suddenly clicking into place when he was ready, I tried a different tack with ds2. We tried at about 2.10 and it was a disaster, wee everywhere. Back to nappies for 6 weeks, tried again and it was instant. We had no accidents on day 1 and 1 on day 2. On day 3 we went out for the whole day and he learned to wee behind a bush. I'm honestly not exaggerating.

You sound quite stressed out (which I totally understand) and I wonder if your ds might be picking up on that tension? I know a friend of mine let her little boy put a pull up on to sit on the potty for a while, he didn't seem to be able to relax and go otherwise. You could try that?

If you do go back to nappies you could leave the potty out and start a routine of him sitting on it first and last thing, maybe before nap time etc. But don't make anything of it (unless he manages a wee of course - then you go wild with excitement )

Swifey · 07/08/2014 17:10

I am just potty training my ds. I have found that I have the potty in the playroom with us and I just occasionally remind him it's there, and does he need to go. If he doesn't go with 5 mins, just say don't worry, no problem, get him up and carry on playing. If he's finding it stressful, and you too, then why not give it up for a week, hide the potty away etc and enjoy each other again. Then maybe in a week take him to buy some new pants, let him choose, and then try again. Rewarding him when he goes helps a great deal too! We also do a poo poo dance when he has fine one!! ?? good luck!

ShergarAndSpies · 07/08/2014 17:12

Ok well this may not be quite what you want to hear, so I apologise in advance but personally I would just stop completely, take a break for a couple of months and try again.

I've always felt that with issues such as eating, sleeping and toileting, the priority has to be encouraging and supporting healthy behaviour so they don't develop issues that can last long term.
For me, the withholding behaviour that he is learning is one of these issues that could have long term health implications for him - so my priority would be stopping him doing that (by going back to nappies / pull ups).

I believe his behaviour is showing you that for some reason emotionally, he isn't quite ready to train. He will be soon and if you can wait it out until he is, the process will be so much quicker and less stressful for both of you.

We ended up waiting to 3.4 with DC2. The latest of all my friends and he pretty much trained himself immediately. Best decision we could have made.

Good luck.

TheGoop · 07/08/2014 17:13

As someone who completely ignored all advice to stop even though I was repeatedly advised to do so I would suggest you stop and try later.

It's just not worth the hassle.

RE how long does it take? Well I started in the April and plugged on for months - I think he finally got it in December.

HolgerDanske · 07/08/2014 17:19

Perhaps make less of an occasion of the potty time? He can read books or play and you can sit on the edge of the bath or on a chair and read your own book or magazine?

It's been quite a few years now since I potty trained my daughters (eldest will be getting A level results next week ) but I think it worked quite well to just let them have potty time as a quiet activity time rather than too much of a song and dance.

I also didn't take them into the bathroom to potty, I just brought the potty to whatever room we were in so it was available in the corner of the room when needed.

I don't think he ends to sit there till he does something, does he? Might be better to remind him to have a try every so often, leave him five or ten min and then let him get up if he doesn't need to go.

Bless you, you seem to be stressing so much over this. Are you sure he's definitely ready for potty training? If he shows no understanding of when he's pooed or weed or when he needs to, he may just not be ready and it might be easier to wait a month or so and try again.

AWombWithoutARoof · 07/08/2014 17:20

Yep, stop for a bit.

When you try again, get him him to sit on the potty or toilet every 10-15 mins, you'll be bound to catch a wee sooner or later and you can go mad with praise. Also bribery with chocolate buttons.

If you do this you're fixing it so he has a very good chance of succeeding it will be much more positive for both of you.

CrackedNipplesSuchFun · 07/08/2014 17:27

Hi OP, my DS is now 3.3 and we cracked it in days. HOWEVER, I tried him several times this year and he did much like your LO. So, I stopped each time. Put the potties and toliet seats away and chilled. This time I dragged them back out and he just got it.

I didnt do anything different but he did and he just understood it and enjoyed it. We did use bribery at the same time (as we did on previous attempts).

As others have said, put the nappies back on and give
It a break for a bit and try again later.

Good luck.

Groovester · 07/08/2014 17:34

I kept a potty in the living room for DS to use. I also kept his bottom half naked when we were at home. Children find it easier to tell if they need if they've nothing covering their bits. I also found rewarding with a marshmallow worked!

Original poster

Jefferson · 07/08/2014 19:12

Thanks for not flaming me guys.
I'm wary of going back to nappies as he's nearly 3 and I do think he understands the concept of weeing and pooing. He knows when he's doing it and he knows te urge as well because before he did the poo he said he wanted to do it.

But I really really need to chill out.
However he seems to be using the potty as some sort of kiddy seat. He keeps sitting on it in the garden while he eats a snack without doing anything. It's weird

OP posts:

upyourninja · 07/08/2014 19:24

OP, I really think you should consider going back to nappies for a bit. Take the pressure off both of you for a bit.

My DD was just ready one day and toilet trained very quickly - no pressure, just a bit of encouragement and a few rewards at first. She only ever had a few accidents and is day and night trained just a couple of months later.

Or ask your son what he would prefer to do - use the toilet/potty or wear pull ups for a bit. If he is starting to hold, especially poo, you run a real risk of entering a holding/pain/constipation cycle which can take years to break in some cases.

Relax a bit and back off for now would be my advice. Good luck!

MrsChickPea · 07/08/2014 19:36

My DS was almost 4 (he point blank refused before this). However, days and nights were done in a couple of days ... poo took another week. Never looked back. Your DS might be a bit young. We also completely avoided potty and went straight to the toilet. I'd relax and forget about it for a bit if you can (the stress of trying is too much!). It will happen eventually.

HolgerDanske · 07/08/2014 19:56

Well it's up to you of course. But maybe give it a week or two just to get some distance from the stress? And you could think about it in the meantime and see what you want to do and maybe you'll get your head round the idea of waiting a little longer. Even if you do go back to it in two weeks it might have given yourself and him enough time to get over the accompanying tension.

If you do continue, I'd give up the mammoth entertaining sessions whilst on the potty. It's probably distracting him anyway and confusing him about what the potty's actually for - it seems like he's already starting to use it as a convenient chair rather than seeing it as something you sit on for a little while when you actually need to go.

You will also need to relax about it (as you've already realised, bless you). Pushing and cajoling really honestly doesn't work and it will happen almost effortlessly when it's the right time. Definitely no need to put yourself or him under any pressure. And I'd still go out every day tbh, and keep to your usual routine. I think it's more important that you're not both going stir crazy inside the house.

Good luck! Couple of weeks to relax?

HolgerDanske · 07/08/2014 19:57

Maybe get him another little chair for the garden? Might help to make it clear that the potty is not a seat...

allisgood1 · 07/08/2014 19:58

Best advice: stop and try again in a few months

HolgerDanske · 07/08/2014 19:59

Also you could use pull ups for a couple weeks if you're not already using them. That way you can follow his lead fairly easily even if you're not officially potty training. It will allow you to take him out and about without too much risk of mess and bother, and it will also allow you to make use of the potty at the times when he indicates he wants to.

bigkidsdidit · 07/08/2014 20:00

I wouldn't stop now, he's nearly three and it seems he's getting the hang of it, and doing really well at nursery.

I would put a potty in the play room, sitting room, wherever. Don't make a special trip to sit on it just say 'there's your potty if you need it' and get on with things. Don't nag him. Cheer every success and quietly change very accident. I imagine at nursery they don't sit him on it for hours and he coped well!

Can you imagine supernanny is filming you and making her faces, to stop you snapping? It's what I do when DS is dawdling down the road and making me cross!

bigkidsdidit · 07/08/2014 20:02

But at nursery he did brilliantly which suggests he is entirely ready to train, he's just a bit confused at home. Stop sitting him on it for hours and hours and treat it as a toilet, like they will at nursery, and he might get it.

Original poster

Jefferson · 07/08/2014 20:04

Yes to pull ups I think. We are both going stir crazy indoors.

Why do you think he managed to do so well at nursery (7 wees in the toilet and only 1 accident) compared to home?

I'm so reluctant to go back to nappies but Lots of people saying to stop so maybe I need to reconsider. Hmmmm...

OP posts:

FairlyUseless · 07/08/2014 20:04

Stop stop stop. And I bet that in a few months he'll train himself in a day or two.

LizzieMint · 07/08/2014 20:04

He obviously does have the control to do it now, as he's holding it for when he has a nap. But that doesn't mean he's 'ready'. Honestly, if you wait until he genuinely is ready, it's a breeze. It really shouldn't be this hard.
Did he show an interest in using the toilet before you started? If you wait until they are motivated, that's half the battle done. Don't stress about timing, he's not going to be going to school in nappies if you just wait a while longer.
I've waited with each of mine until they asked to wear pants. The age they did it varied from just over two to just over three. All of them were dry within 3-4 days, no stressing. It'll happen, just not yet.

bigkidsdidit · 07/08/2014 20:05

Maybe at nursery it is a loo not a potty? So no seat confusion?

Original poster

Jefferson · 07/08/2014 20:06

Today he had 2 accidents and finally one wee in the potty at 7.30. Even his pull ups after nap wasn't too heavy as I was expecting. Seems worrying

OP posts:

MollySolverson · 07/08/2014 20:07

I would definitely wait until he is ready. Then you won't have to DO anything, it'll just happen. My dd asked to wear knickers one day and never looked back. She had a few accidents, mainly when playing and she wouldnt notice she needed to go. But that's sll, it was the easiest thing in the world. V stress free for all of us.

Urinating and defacting are normal and natural things and children do not need to be bribed, cajoled, encouraged, rewarded, threatened or punished to do it. Those things can lead to really unhealthy behaviours (e.g. poo holding which can lead to serious health problems). Make life easy on yourselves and let him do it in his own time.

HolgerDanske · 07/08/2014 20:07

Please, please if you decide to continue, do have the most massive cup of tonight, or if that's a more pleasing option, and remind yourself that it's not the end of the world if it doesn't happen right away. It's so important that he doesn't make any negative associations with toileting, so you must break the cycle of anger and frustration. But also for your sake just think to yourself, it'll happen soon. And if it takes a little while, it's still ok.

Matter of fact. Chilled. Offer the potty in the corner if he wants it. No more stress

It'll be ok

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